Is this a symptom?

Not sure where this should go... 

My husband (adhd-er) never wants to do anything that involves leaving the house.  I either give up, or I force him to do it and he's moody about it at first before eventually having fun.  I don't ask him to do things that he won't enjoy doing, unless it is an obligation that we cannot get out of (family responsibilities mostly), because i cannot deal with the way he behaves if he's bored, disinterested, etc.  I understand that his behavior when he's bored/disinterested is because of the ADHD, but is his hesitation to do anything outside of our house also a symptom? Recently he's been saying that he thinks it is, and he knows that once he's out somewhere he has fun 95% of the time, but it still has to almost get to the point of an argument before I can get him to go.  He will also agree to do something ahead of time, and then the day of, 10 minutes before we are supposed to leave he will flake out on it.  This has happened in situations from tailgating before a football game to going to my parent's to visit for the weekend.  I hate telling people that he'll be somewhere and then feel like I have to make excuses for him when he's not and I don't have the time to convince him.

So, symptom, or something else?

Thanks!

I think it is, but I'm not

I think it is, but I'm not sure how it relates. My DH is usually either 1) wanting to go all of the time , 2) never wanting to leave the house - currently is here, or 3) wants to go all of the time but makes up excuses and tells lies to get out by himself. I do feel that #2 & #3 are more related to when his ADHD is really out of control and #1 is when it is less out of control.

 

I think it might be..

My DH doesnt like going anywhere, he prefers being home.  I cant even get him to go camping anywhere but the campground that is a mile from our house.  He tells me its easier because if he forgets anything its right there.  He wont even go out to dinner, prefers the drive through and then bringing it home.  So yeah it sucks!

For me...

I always had some social anxieties. I like to go out and can't stand being cooped up at the house for more than a day, but I admit that I like going to familiar places. I HATE social situations that involve forced involvement, like games... I am better about the "DW's Company Christmas Party" and even went to her 25th High School Reunion. I was Not really wanting to go, but did it for her. (I did not know anyone there)

The old ADD me was uncomfortable with all the unknowns, with "Am I drinking too much, talking too much, spending too much time away from my wife, to much time hovering by my wife, is somebody going to ask me something that I'm not prepared to answer and look like an idiot" I'm better in these situations, but when do these things happen? Late at night when the meds are gone, so it is still a bit of a struggle. I hated "Meet N Greets" and did not like any social situation where I was not just blending into the background. Once, during my DW's 2nd pregnancy, the people at our company (We worked together for 12 years) threw a "Surprise" baby shower for me. I appreciated the thoughts, but wanted to kill myself... All this focus on the Husband baby shower (My DW knew), Baby Shower Games?!?... I thought my wife and I were going on a Rare Date Night, but instead a surprise baby shower for me. This was the 180 degree opposite of a nice night out.

So I think the answer to your question could be "Yes"...

YYZ

 

Thanks

Thanks for your input!  I think it could be anxiety about going, or moreso anxiety about not having fun/being entertained while there, and then 'freaking out'.   He almost always has fun while there (because, as I said, I tend to only ask him if it's something I know he'll enjoy), and he almost always says that we should do 'X' more often... and then the next time I suggest it he's all "no.. I don't think I want to....." Any tips on how to deal with it? To remind him gently about how much fun we had last time?   If it's something social I make sure to tell him who will be there that he has had good converstaions with in the past, so he knows that he'll be hanging out with people he likes.  I love going out and doing things, especially new things, and it's just very frustrating to me that he just wants to sit at home, play on his computer or watch movies. I love hanging out with him at home, but I like being social with him or going to a concert with him, too!  (And he does have fun when we go, so I'm not doing it just for me, I think it's important that he have social interaction with people as well!)

sullygrl's picture

ADHD is often joined by other issues

Like depression, anxiety, OCD, etc.  Depression OR anxiety could be keeping him from going out enjoying things.  When you're depressed you might make plans, but feel like it's too much of a drag to get there once the date rolls around.  With anxiety it may be getting worked up about the social situation being overwhelming somehow.  He needs to figure out where it's coming from.  You can only encourage and maybe go by yoursefl sometimes too if he really doesn't feel up to it.

It might help to either give him more time to come around to the idea when possible...that first "no I don't think so" might turn into a yes if you gently talk it up over the next couple of days "oh yes, did I tell you so-an-so who you were hanging out with last time said they're coming too?"

Conversely, not too much time to think about it and get worked up if it's an anxiety thing might work.