This site is such a double edge sword for me. It validates just how hard living with a person who has ADD really is.
After 15 years of marriage I am left with the question at what point do I cut my losses.(I have asked for a separation.) If it was Brain cancer I would never think of leaving him.
We have been to counseling he has been on Medication our entire married life. (HE was diagnosed with ADD during our engagement period)
His meds have been tweaked as needed. He is also on depression meds.
The anger that has been a constant part of our marriage life is not physical, it's just this overall negativity and lots of passive aggressive behavior towards me. Tone of voice yelling at times and lots of body language that says JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!! He definitely thinks I am the reason for his anger. ANY request I make is like walking on egg shells...
It's his go to reaction to any thing he cannot controll. If I inturrept him as he sits in front of his usual places, ie TV or Computer, he is upset.
He has always had a hard time dealing with the daily interactions that occur when raising kids. If he is in the middle of a conversation be it ever so informal he really has a hard time allowing anyone to interrupt him. If he is in the kitchen telling me some factoid about something and a kid might walk in asking when is dinner, he has a really hard time with that kind of interruption saying impatiently "Cant you see am speaking!" I understand people with ADD have a hard time being interrupted. Can't one learn to modify one's reaction?
As far as working with different ways to get him to be accountable for what ever he has agreed to do or finish... I have run out of strategies. I have tried all the suggestions in these blogs. It comes down to him reacting to me as being overbearing. He does not enjoy tasks. I can't seem to get his to understand you do things not because they are fun or easy, you do it because it will positively affect the family. From bill paying to his laundry...
As painful as it is I accept, I cannot have an intimate relationship with Him. I am not willing to keep increasing the edginess and riskiness to keep things interesting... So now it's about trying to co parent our children. But I cannot get around the Anger. I could really cope with the rest of the ADD lifestyle ( I still believe we should partner in doing household tasks, to model for our kids how this is suppose to work.)
When we dated, this anger was not evident. When he mentioned he had anger issues I had no idea what he was talking about. Actually what is even more painful is the notion that the reason we even got together was that I was a new distraction for him...?
( I see too he was my project.) . Had I really understood what I was experiencing with my senses was not a reality, I would have NEVER committed to this relationship for the long term. At what point do people with ADD have peace? So much of life is monotonous and not fast and flashy...I know My husband is not at Peace. Yet he is willing to loose his family rather than get to the bottom of his anger...
If I appear ignorant of my role in all this I know the truth. I do know that I have contributed to our ruined relationship. However I do know I am not responsible for all of it. I am still not sure what is ADD and what is him being immature by not dealing with his anger.
Let me end by saying It is such a loss for me and the kids... My Husband has so much of offer. I have not addressed his shining moments because it is the non shining ones that set the tone of our family life. He is shackled by his anger and until now so was I.