Symptoms increase after diagnosis

My husband, of 16 years, found a wonderful counselor at the beginning of the summer following an emotional breakdown of sorts.  This very insightful counselor began looking at patterns of behavior and suggested an AD/HD diagnosis.  They've continued to work together and my husband is trying to embrace this diagnosis... he's more than 6 of the inattentive type behaviors.  Honestly it fits him completely and knowing that this cluster of behaviors has a name makes it much easier for both of us to understand.  He identifies strongly with the descriptions of others and seems to have some relief.

My question, though, has to do with what appears to be an increase in the behaviors.  It's as though he's embraced it and things have gotten worse (forgetting, inattentiveness, unreliable, irritable, etc.)  He's not medicated (yet,) but has expressed his desire to talk about that with his counselor.   He's made changes in habits (eating, running, etc) so I know he is trying.  Have others experienced this increase or might I just be noticing it more now?  I want to be supportive and I think I am, but I am frustrated.

At least he is trying...

Don't give up hope with someone who accepts, understands his contribution to an unequal relationship and is willing to look at receiving help.   You are lucky to have such a partner.   Read on and see what mine has done.

My wife had been diagnosed about three months ago with ADHD, moderate to severe, making relationships difficult.   One of her sisters won't have anything to do with her.   My four years of marriage have been so stressfull I ended up missing work for a month and about three weeks ago was taken to the ER by ambulance with serious stroke like symptoms.   I'm 56 and in good health, well until lately.   Since my wife was diagnosed, she's immediately devaluated the whole testing system including the lady Psychologist who knows her stuff well.   My wife fought me all the way and all those who disagreed with her.   She needs to be right no matter what the cost.   Countless hours of counseling and we go nowhere.  She has a psychiatrist who treats her for depression but when I asked to be included in their sessions she venimously refused.   Yet I've allowed her into all of mine.   Very unbalanced marriage.   The lady psychologist who diagnosed her also told her she needs meds in order to have a relationship and that I am not even noticed.   This is true as when I was taken to the ER due to sudden severe dizyness and bouncing off of the walls until I crashed, she was there, saw me struggling and instead of finding out what was going on, she decided to go have a shower at 4 pm.   I had been trying to make supper when this event started so I could eat before going to work for the night.   She went for a shower!   I managed to call for an ambulance and they took me in to the ER where I spent the rest of the day.   I nearly crashed in the CT scan room too.   They did find something and I am undergoing more tests.   My wife had no knowledge anything was she says.  

Today I had a counseling session and invited her to attend if she had anything positive to bring to the table.   She came and we heard her rants and bringing up old stuff, resulting in the session lasting three hours.   In the end, she refused to let me be involved with anything to do with her psychiatrist.   She denies having ADD.  She states her depression is under remission for two years now.   Every other professional we saw says otherwise and gave up on her, telling me her issues are too big to get anywhere.   Perhaps there is more then ADHD going on here.   At the end of our session today she wanted to have the last word so we let her.   She went on reading her notes for an hour before I stopped it and asked for the point of it all since she was not interested in engaging in the relationship.   There was no point, no movement other then to accept her dictatorial lifestyle which I now reject.   My counselor (a Christian lady in her 60's) had had enough too and agreed we needed to end this.   After four years of despair, enguish and frustrations I told my wife I was getting out of this relationship because my health is starting to suffer, both emotionally and physically.  She could not care less, no remorse at all for anything.  Right after our counseling session she went to see her lawyer, came home and told me I was going to start paying her half of my monthly salary.   Just like that.   First I reminded her to please go to her bedroom and unplug the hair iron that had been left on and smelling hot.   Then I called my lawyer and asked him to get me out of this mental craziness and tomorrow he is going to do just that.

So you see, in your case, you do not have it so bad because your partner RESPECTS YOU by NOT denying he needs help.   You need to thank him for this and try not to look back as it does no good.   Look at the present and be there for him.   He's concerned enough to make a change or two.   As frustrated as you are ( and I understand that well having experienced so much here), you have hope!   Do not loose hope because your husband is showing positive response.   And yes, you may be noticing it more after a diagnosis is made.   In my case, this divorce is not so much because of the symptoms of a major mental illness.   My divorce is because she refuses to admit anything, refuses to accept any part of what went wrong, denies denies and denies and devaluates anyone who dares disagree with her.   She's even gone as far as having her own mother (who is an Alzeihmer / dementia patient) to take out her younger sister from any form of inheritance.   And there was lots of money neatly wrapped in bags, something like a half million dollars all over the house.   My wife abducted her mom, had her put in a home, lock down facility ( where she actually needs to be now) and took over control of her assets including a house.   Tell me this, is it criminal to have her younger sister taken out of the will because the younger sister will have nothing to do with my wife ?   Strange family indeed that I married into.   So do not despair, you are hurting, but you have lots to work with.   You and your husband will succeed because you care enough to fight for him and he loves you enough to make necessary changes to his lifestyle and more.   Blessings to both of you and to all who hurt this bad.

Miss Behaven's picture


Stress, exhaustion, anxiety and change can all cause ADD symptoms to get worse. Your hubby has just discovered he has a neurological disorder, he is under a lot of stress and strain, things are changing very fast. So, his symptoms are getting worse. Try to be supportive and encourage him to take things one step at a time. Or else he might get overwhelmed and shut down.

ebb and flow's picture

miss b

I had no idea the ADD symptoms could get worse under certain conditions... That's just another indicator that they can get better as well.

Nice. :) A little hope...

Maybe you just notice more

I wonder if you are perhaps just noticing behaviors more now that you have learned more about them. My husband who is 59 and just diagnosed (inattentive type) seems to be worse on some days to me, too. But I honestly think it is a case of me saying to myself, "Oh, that's the ADD..." And I feel like I say it a lot! I am naming it now instead of just being annoyed with him, so I think it is shining a light on all the ways the ADD manifests in him. While it is still annoying, at least now I can say, "it's the ADD" and not take all of it personally like I used to. Good luck to you and your husband. I don't see any miracles coming from the medication but he says he really notices a difference. At least the medication gives him a chance to make corrections, I think, I hope...