Synaesthetics: The Soundtrack of an ADHD Mind...

I've always loved music...  Way back when I was school and college, I played trumpet and sang in all sorts of bands, choirs, and choruses.  It always helped focus my mind, when I never knew I had ADHD.  It helped me express myself in ways that I could never find adequate words for.  So, allow me to continue the tradition with songs that exemplify, to me, what it's like to live inside my head.

Feel free to join in, should the mood strike you.

First, we'll begin with a song for all those times I am desperately trying to pay attention to my poor wife, as she tries to converse with me...

BOUNCING AROUND THE ROOM, Phish

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fayGQX-j6sg

The woman was a dream I had, though rather hard to keep. For when my eyes were watching hers, they closed, and I was still asleep. For when my hand was holding hers, she whispered words and I awoke.

And faintly bouncing round the room, the echo of whomever spoke.  And I awoke.  And faintly bouncing round the room, the echo of whomever spoke.

The place I sought was far beneath the surface of the sea.  My sight was poor, but I was sure the sirens sang their song for me.  They dance above me as I sink.  I see them through a crystal haze, and hear the sweet sound bouncing round the never-ending coral maze. The crystal haze, and hear them bouncing round the room the never-ending coral maze.

Then before and now once more, I'm bouncing round the room.

That time then and once again, I'm bouncing round the room.

And I awoke.  And faintly bouncing round the room, the echo of whomever spoke.

Music...

Music was/is so important to me. I never knew why, but it seemed to speak for me/to me. I started choir in 4th, 5th and 6th grade added band. Trombone, became Bass Trombone and I played through my freshman year in college. Being a good musician was like my identity, but I knew it would not pay the bills. When I stopped playing I really felt lost, for a long time. I listened to music all the time and still do, studying, working, driving, walking, just about all the time. Music buffers the noise... It helps order my memories.

here too

My Add guy is a musician, plays more than a dozen instruments, is currently in two bands and eventually became a teacher.  There was a period of about 10 years when he didn't play -- and he was miserable.  

Pbartender's picture

This one is for those times

This one is for those times when your brain simply overflows with everything that goes on around you...

AND SHE WAS, Talking Heads

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgSVTdAtNYE

And she was lying in the grass.  And she could hear the highway breathing.  And she could see a nearby factory.  She's making sure she is not dreaming.  See the lights of a neighbor's house.  Now she's starting to rise.  Take a minute to concentrate, and she opens up her eyes.

The world was moving, and she was right there with it and she was.  The world was moving, she was floating above it and she was.  And she was.

And she was drifting through the backyard.  And she was taking off her dress.  And she was moving very slowly.  Rising up above the earth.  Moving into the universe, drifting this way and that.  Not touching ground at all up above the yard.

The world was moving, and she was right there with it and she was.  The world was moving, she was floating above it and she was.  And she was.

She was glad about it.  No doubt about it.  She isn't sure where she's gone.  No time to think about what to tell them.  No time to think about what she's done.  And she was.

And she was looking at herself.  And things were looking like a movie.  She had a pleasant elevation.  She's moving out in all directions.

The world was moving, and she was right there with it and she was.  The world was moving, she was floating above it and she was.  And she was.

Joining the world of missing persons, and she was.  Missing enough to feel alright, and she was.

Pbartender's picture

What it's like to be ADHD and

What it's like to be ADHD and in love...

LOVE YOU MADLY, Cake

I don't want to wonder if this is a blunder.  I don't want to worry whether we're going to stay together 'till we die.  I don't want to jump in unless this music's thumping.  All the dishes rattle in the cupboards when the elephants arrive.

I want to love you madly.  I want to love you now.  I want to love you madly... way.  I want to love you, love you... love you madly.

I don't want to fake it.  I just want to make it.  The ornaments look pretty, but they're pulling down the branches of the tree.  I don't want to think about it.  I don't want to talk about it.  When I kiss your lips, I want to sink down to the bottom of the sea.

I want to love you madly.  I want to love you now.  I want to love you madly... way.  I want to love you, love you... love you madly.

I don't want to hold back.  I don't want to slip down.  I don't want to think back to the one thing that I know I should have done.  I don't want to doubt you.  Know everything about you.  I don't want to sit across the table from you wishing I could run.

I want to love you madly.  I want to love you now.  I want to love you madly... way.  I want to love you, love you... love you madly.

Pbartender's picture

Heh...  If I could use my own

Heh...  If I could use my own words, I wouldn't be using the song...  ;)

But I'll se what I can think up.

 

Pb.

Pbartender's picture

I heard this song on my way

I heard this song on my way to work this morning, and it made me cry.

JUST WAIT, Blues Traveler

If ever you are feeling like you're tired, and all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill, if you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you and your appetite for pain has drinken its fill, I ask of you a very simple question... Did you think for one minute that you were alone, and is your suffering a privilege you share only?  Or did you think that everybody else was completely at home?

Just wait.  Just wait.  Just wait and it will come.

If you think I'm giving up on you you're crazy.  And if you think I don't love you, well then you're just wrong.  In time you might take to feeling better.  Time is the beauty the road being long.

I know that now you feel no consolation, but maybe if I told you and informed you out loud.  I say this without fear of hesitation... I can honestly tell you that you make me proud.

Just wait.  Just wait.  Just wait and it will come.

 If anything I might have said now has helped you, if anything I might have just said helps you just carry on, your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle and your appetite for pain may all but be gone.

I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping, until that smile has once again returned to you face.  There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying.  Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace.

Just wait.  Just wait.  Just wait and it will come.

Linsy's picture

not felt loved for many years

Always wondered if it was a failing in me, this not feeling loved. Have learned since he left to trust my feelings and the evidence. And both those things show an extreme lack of love - in fact the opposite. He seemed destructively envious.

Pbartender's picture

I hate pretending that

I hate pretending that everything's okay...

GUESS I'M DOING FINE, Beck

http://vimeo.com/8732756

There's a blue bird at my window.  I can't hear the songs he sings.  All the jewels in heaven, they don't look the same to me.  I just wade the tides that turned 'till I learn to leave the past behind.

It's only lies that I'm living.  It's only tears that I'm crying.  It's only you that I'm losing.  Guess I'm doing fine.

All the battlements are empty, and the moon is laying low.  Yellow roses in the graveyard.  Have no time to watch them grow.  Now I bade a friend farewell.  I can do whatever pleases me.

It's only lies that I'm living.  It's only tears that I'm crying.  It's only you that I'm losing.  Guess I'm doing fine.

Press my face up to the window to see how warm it is inside.  See the things that I've been missing...  Missing all this time.

It's only lies that I'm living.  It's only tears that I'm crying.  It's only you that I'm losing.  Guess I'm doing fine.  Guess I'm doing fine.

TIme heals

I have been with my ADHD spouse for 20+ years, we have had mostly bad times but I knew that something wasn't quite right from the beginning and he was not diagnosed until we were together.  The worst part is he is a good person, he just doesn't let that person out much.  His father had absolutely no use for my spouse which was a source for friction in our marriage.  I wanted him to stand up to his dad, to show him he was a man.  He never did, he let me handle or guilted me into handling the negative interactions with his dad for him.  Even though he has been diagnosed for a number of years and has been on medication he still will not accept his responsibility for the ADHD.  I read Melissa's ADHD Marriage book a few months back, I figured like I always have that if I found the right tool for him he could change.  

We are still having the same fight we always have.  He doesn't understand how I can be so angry about something that has destroyed the wonderful relationship I believe we could have had.  He acts like giving him over 18 years to get control of his ADHD and expecting change I am rushing him.  I have heard every excuse in the book as to why he can 

You have taken a very important step, you are owning the ADHD.  I am not going to tell you your wife will change her mind in time, because nobody knows what makes anyone else live the life they do.  She may just have had enough, on the other hand, she may be waiting to see how long and to what lengths you will go to give her what she was originally looking for.  

I am a 5-year cancer survivor and I know that I have not dealt with alot of the feelings from being diagnosed yet, I couldn't because of my spouse.  He is very threatened when he is not the center of attention.  I have so much anger with him over this, yet I know that if I really saw him take any of the necessary steps to owning the ADHD we could have a better relationship than we ever have.

Just keep going, keep showing her how important she is, how important what she wants is.  You didn't get to this place overnight, don't expect to get out of it overnight.  A good friend once told me anything worth having was worth working for.  Just keep your eye on the prize.  No matter if you end up together or not, it will mean the world to your children that you tried.  You are being a good parental role model showing them how to work through problems instead of just giving up or blaming others.  

I have read quite a bit of what you have written, it made me realize my spouse is nowhere near where he needs to be.  He will probably never be able to own his ADHD, it will always own him.  Sorry for going on, my main point was to tell you not to give up.

 

 

Pbartender's picture

This song popped up during a

This song popped up during a television show I was watching this morning...  Like "Just Wait", it made me cry.

SIGH NO MORE, Mumford & Sons

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eltHv58l8ig

Serve God, love me and mend.  This is not the end.  Lived unbruised, we are friends, and I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  Sigh no more, no more.  One foot in sea, one on shore, my heart was never pure.   You know me.   You know me.

But man is a giddy thing...  Oh, man is a giddy thing...  Oh, man is a giddy thing...  Oh, man is a giddy thing.

Love, it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you.  It will set you free.  Be more like the man you were made to be.  There is a design, an alignment to cry of my heart to see the beauty of love as it was made to be.

Pbartender's picture

Sorry for the "explicit" lyircs, but...

Please excuse the "explicit" lyrics, but consider this my rant for the day...  I'm sure all of us, ADHDer and non-ADHer alike has felt like this about our spouse at point or another.  I've been feeling it pretty heavy lately.

BACK STABBIN' BETTY, Cage The Elephant

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kA2JkVdzNE

Poor guy that man John Thomas.  His woman truly was a devil, and she wasn't all that honest.  She tore him down on every level...  "You're a, a no-good, lazy motherfucker.  Gotta a shit job you worthless motherfucker.  You're a dead beat.  Feel sorry for your mother.  If I had time, I'd trade you for another."

He don't like that.  He wants his life back.  He wants to go back home.

He tried so hard to please her.  He sold his soul to keep her happy.  But nothin' he did impressed her.  She always left him feelin' shitty...  "This is it?  No, this can't be all you bought me.  Said I'm, I'm high class and this is where you brought me.  Gonna strike low just like my mamma taught me.  You're a, a low life you're lucky that you got me."

He don't like that.  He wants his life back.  He wants to go back home.

Down deep way down inside him, the will to leave was growin' stronger.  And he bit his tongue for so long. He couldn't hold back any longer...  "You're a two-faced, ruthless instigator.  You're a, a low-down, triflin' masquerader.  You're a, a cold bitch, controllin' conversator.  This is too much.  I'm out.  I'll see you later."

She don't like that.  But he got his life back.

No, she don't like that.  But he's right back on track.

I said, he went back home.

Tired old man's picture

Wow!

Song is hardcore!  Scary thought if that is what all ADHD's thought of us non's.

Pbartender's picture

"...Room for one feeling only at a time..."

I'm only speaking for myself but I'd be willing to bet that not all of us feel that way, and I'm sure those of us that do, sometimes, don't feel that way all the time.

It may be a bit of an exaggeration, but very often, lately, my wife's habit of ignoring what I do right and focusing on what I do wrong sounds a lot like the things the woman in the song says to "tear him down on every level".  And every time she does it, it certainly does leave me feeling shitty.

Scary?  I don't know about that...  but it is a thoroughly emotional expression of the anger and disappointment and frustration of always trying your hardest to do your best for your spouse, but never being quite good enough for them.  Just based on the "Anger & Frustration" forum, I'm dead certain that there's plenty of non-ADHDers around here who have felt the same way about their ADHD spouses, now and again.

“Tink was not all bad: or, rather, she was all bad just now, but, on the other hand, sometimes she was all good. Fairies have to be one thing or the other, because being so small they unfortunately have room for one feeling only at a time. They are, however, allowed to change, only it must be a complete change.”  ― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

I so very often feel like Tinkerbell...  But instead of being too small, my feelings always seem to be too big.  It's hard for me to feel just a little.  I'm not all bad: or, rather, I'm all bad just now, but on the other hand, sometimes I'm all good.

I suppose that's way I work so hard to keep control of my emotions, such that I sometimes seem emotionless.

 

Pb.