This is a personal hope, so I'm posting it here.
Despite what "is" my marriage I'm learning about the reclaiming self part.
Please don't think it's a downer, no matter how it starts out. It's a personal triumph.
Historically, in terms of my marriage, this has typically been one of the most emotionally devastating holidays for me.
Probably the worst, was the year, about three years back, that I was told we we going on a trip to spend a weekend together, directly previously to the holiday. Unfortunately, without my knowledge, that weekend morphed into a fishing trip for my husband. I sat in the room overlooking a beautiful view crying and alone. It culminated in him telling me I didn't need to come when I asked him about the fishing and weren't we going to spend any time together. Well, duh, I wouldn't have had I known. The dangling the carrot of rekindling our relationship was just too must to resist going in the first place.
This was obviously a torrent of tears as I arrived home. That is, obvious to everyone but my husband.
At that point he was fishing 2-3 times a week in addition to every weekend. This fishing didn't include me for anyone wondering why I didn't just go along. It was his escape du'jour at the moment and when it did involve me, it was generally a miserable experience. You see, I I do love fishing. I grew up with it. I'd never had my pole swiped away before when I'd landed a good spot, taking my tackle, whatever. I'd never had to listen to the idea that I was, "doing it wrong," or any of the other miserable shit that happened. You see, I love fishing, just not with him. I've never been treated like that by any other man. My father wasn't an extremely patient man, but still, this had never happened.
So I arrive home crying and go lie down. As I begin to take a nap he bursts in and says, "The kids want to know what we are doing for mother's day." I just started crying harder.
He informs me I'm not his mother and so he didn't plan anything. Nevermind I mother our mixed brood blended family. See, this is probably something about expectations, he always did something for me for mother's day while we were dating. Marriage was a terrible, terrible 180, well beyond silly things like a Hallmark holiday.
One of the kids follows him in, I'm sure expectant of what we're doing as normally Mom makes holidays fun and sees me crying. That was the worst. Even now I think what he did to the children was unforgettable. They were waiting expectantly, not understanding why no preparation had happened. It was truly awful.
Anyway, on to the good. This will never happen to my children again.
This year, I shall make makes plans independent of this man I married that I thought would behave like a husband.
Many state parks are closing in my area. My children love camping. I will make plans to do that with them this weekend.
I will put outta my head this thing that didn't pan out in any normal sense. This thing called marriage.
I will resolve to make happy plans, no matter what. Doesn't matter if that happy doesn't include a husband. Truth be told, he probably has plans anyway.
I'll just ask my Auntie to take my daughter to buy the gift she's been hinting at.
Time to buy marshmallows and move on with my life. No matter what the outcome.
Marshmallows, sign of overcoming the bondage of the belief I will ever have a partnership, a normal marriage, someone who actually loves me back, the things that are normal expectations.
I will roast marshmallows and find peace, despite the fact none of that stuff will ever happen here.
Belated Happy Mother's Day
Submitted by ellamenno on
I too have taken a stand for Mother's Day.
I told my husband that on Mother's Day I was not going to make dinner. We were going to order take out or he could make something, whatever: I'm not cooking because I don't want to clean the kitchen for one day. also, I demanded ONE FULL HOUR of babysitting from him while I got some work done for the upcoming week. (this was not NEARLY enough, as I should be spending a minimum of EIGHT hours preparing for my classes, but... that's another post for another day....)
After the birth of my first child, I was excited for my first Mother's Day as a mom. When the big day came, I got cards and flowers from friends and family. Instead of a gift or even a card, he gave me the 'you're not MY mother' line plus the 'hallmark holiday' complaint. Of all the people on the planet, I felt that HE was the most important element of my new motherhood. Why? well... um... he's the whole REASON I am a mom in the first place for cryin' out loud!!! But no... he doesn't see how he has anything to do with it. He's consistent at least. He didn't suddenly change like your DH. Perhaps this is because HE is the 'normal' one and I am the ADD spouse.
I've decided though, like you, that I won't let him ruin the day for me. For me, Mother's Day is a day to recognize the hard work and sacrifice of my mom, my grandmothers and all moms out there and it is a day for me to stand up and SPEAK up for my own needs. My DH can damn well suck it up for a day and now the fact that he 'doesn't believe' in this 'hallmark holiday' is his problem. The girls get excited and make me cards and pick out a bouquet of supermarket flowers, and my husband deigns to make a phone call and order take out, and spend 60 whole minutes on a sunday NOT playing with his phone and 'babysitting' his own children. mrrhphph.
Same feelings here
Submitted by A33ey on
I know this is an older post, but I struggle with holidays a lot! For us, it isn't so much Mother's Day, but Valentine's Day. I know it's a cheesy holiday but I see it as a holiday to recognize ourselves as a couple. I dread it, because nothing happens, or, I look sad and he gets a card at the last minute. I always have a heartfelt note, gift, or something prepared for him. One time he was going to take me to a nice restaurant, but didn't make a reservation ahead of time. I felt embarrassed showing up all dressed up and having them turn us away, when I feel it should have been obvious that this would be their busiest night of the year. Now, he expects me to say what I want to do, but I don't want to "do" anything. I just want some attention, some kind words, some sign that he still loves me. I've only had 3 Mother's Days, but the last one consisted of him asking me what I wanted to do. I got to go to IHOP for some pancakes... I was pregnant and had been craving them. This is selfish, but I thought he would have prepared something since our second child was due in a few weeks. The worst part was that when Father's Day rolled around, he complained that last Father's Day, I had planned it all wrong. He hadn't wanted to go on the amusement park trip with our son, and this year he wanted to do what HE wanted. Guess what he picked???? A trip to a different park! ::sigh:: For our anniversary I made a slideshow of photos of us, with a meaningful song. He watched it, didn't react, and said "that's nice," and walked away. I just had my 30th birthday. I woke up that morning and asked, can you get me some toilet paper? :) and he snapped at me for ripping him from what he was doing. I said, today is my birthday. He said Happy Birthday. I went out that night on a music cruise with some friends, begged him to come and be with me on my bday. He said he didn't like noise and wouldn't go. I got onion dip for Christmas... UGH I guess I'm just selfish for feeling this way.
Onion dip? For Christmas?
Submitted by ellamenno on