Taking the garbage out

I am so happy to have discovered this website.  I am married to my husband one year, and together for 7 years.  Throughout our relationship we have had various blow out fights.  In the beginning he romanced me like  no other man has before, he was charming, so romantic and attentive.  Then one day, everything just stopped and the focus wasn't on me anymore.  I felt abandoned, neglected and forgotten about.  This in turn, lead to many conflicts and myself acting out in a way that was alarming to myself.  I look back seeing that was the effect of coping with the withdrawal of my husband's attention.  All this time I had no idea that any of this could be related to ADHD.  A few months ago we were at a family function and his mother stated that she thought he had ADD as a child.  She even recounted a past memory of him being so angry at her as a child that he would scream at the top of his lungs and even his veins would pop out.  A fit of rage.  These couple comments from his mother prompted me to do some research online.  The symptoms associated with ADHD seemed to match my husband.  When I came across this website and started to read some articles of the non-ADHD spouse's point of view, I felt they were telling my story and exactly how I felt!!

Anyways, the one "chore" or "task" I have given my husband to take care of is taking out the garbage once a week.  It happens every single week, and is to be taken out the night before collection day.  He constantly forgets. He even set a reminder in his iphone, which helps, if he takes the garbage out right after he gets his reminder.  If he dismisses the reminder and doesn't do it right away, it's forgotten about 10 minutes later.  In the past I would remind him the night before collection day that he forgot to take it out, this angered him.  So I refrain from helping to remind him.  If he forgets I mention it a day later, and he gets so angry that I just won't let him have this one thing to do, and that I am trying to control him by reminding him and that I enjoy reminding him. Which I do not!

To me, taking out the garbage on a weekly basis seems like such an easy task.  He is constantly forgetting it.  What bugs me is that when I point out that he's forgotten it, he gets very angry and defensive and acts like he has only forgot it like twice out of the year.  He minimizes the problem greatly.  It just frustrates me that something so easy creates a huge conflict.  I could take over this task myself, but then he would have nothing to be responsible for of the housework.  I do everything else!  

He will do certain things, but only if I ask him to, such as, can you vaccum the front rug, do the dishes, put your papers away etc.  But I just absolutely hate having to "order" him around! I just wished he would come home and tidy up as well without me asking him to.  It just seems difficult.

I have bought the book the ADHD effect on Marriage.  We started to read it together but whenever I bring up to read it he wants to put it off until tomorrow.  Then tomorrow comes then it needs to be put off again, and so on.  This also bothers me because I feel like this ADHD is effecting our marriage in an negative way and I want to be able to be happier together and why am I the only one taking initiative to do this, even when I don't have the condition?  

 

I feel your pain.  It has

I feel your pain.  It has taken about one year for my husband to get into routine of vacuuming once a week, the only household task that I asked him to do.  (Oh, and he didn't do it this week.)  

I think that the reluctance of some people with ADHD to do anything about their condition might have three sources (and there may be more, too):  1) embarrassment about having a disorder; 2) if you have a disorder that keeps you from being organized and getting things done, it stands to reason that among those things you'd have problems getting done is dealing with your disorder; and 3) if the person with ADHD has a spouse or partner who is doing more of the family's work and the person with ADHD doesn't want to do more work, he or she might resist acknowledging and getting treatment for the disorder.