I'm creating this topic in case anyone would care to join me in venting about it, as April 15 gets very close.
My ADHD and Marriage and Income Taxes story is not as painful as many people's, I know. But it's painful enough for me.
I started doing my family's tax returns approximately three or four years ago. I can't remember exactly why, but it had something to do with my husband not being at home very much (once he started working as a caregiver for his parents) and with his suggestion that we not report his income from caregiving, a suggestion that I quickly rejected. My husband's father (FIL) insists on paying him in cash, for not entirely clear reasons but probably involving FIL thinking that by doing so he is successfully hiding this arrangement from the government. If you are guessing that this means that FIL does not pay any of the employer's share of taxes (Social Security, Medicare/Medicaid) and does not do any withholding, you are correct! Hey, and guess what that means: that my husband, who does not pay estimated taxes, owed more than $5,000 this year in income and self-employment taxes. Another big cheer! If you also are guessing that the accuracy of reporting the income of someone paid in cash is questionable, you are also correct. I report what my husband deposits into our joint account, but because he never makes ATM withdrawals and I assume that he does carry around some cash, I also assume that I'm underreporting his income. With tax return preparation, worse than the feeling I have about the number of dollars owed is the feeling I have about the fundamental dishonesty and cheating attitude of my FIL and my husband. It almost makes me sick to think of how different they are from me and that they are willing to drag me into questionable legal territory.
I finished this year's tax returns over the weekend and submitted them while I was home alone on Easter.
Virtual hug.
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Remember when you were younger, and you looked forward to being the grown-up? Oh, Rosered...
Hi Rosered...
Submitted by c ur self on
Sorry you are in this position...I tried to do what I thought a responsible husband should do about taxes the first few years of our marriage...
But, this list:
1) Dragging around w/ her part until I was embarrassed to take it to my accountant so late....
2) Not keeping good records concerning her rental house, so I was reporting expenditures w/ no documentation.
3) Refusal to save tax documents through out the year and place them in the Vanilla Envelope marked in large letters on my desk... TAX DOC...( refusal to work w/me, "combative").
4) Refusal to take my advice on how to set-up her W-4's so we could shoot at breaking even at least....(She would claim 4 though out the year while I claimed 1, she was using my overpayment to keep herself from paying, so she could get it through out the year (and she wanted to split any refunds 50/50 of course)...But, the worst part was the vehement denial and blaming me when we had to pay...This one broke the camel's back....
5) So for the last three years I've filed married and separate...I'm getting 1,400.00 this year....She told me she has to pay a lot...
My suggestion to you is to wash your hands of what you do not feel good about....
C
How to do your ADHD taxes
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
1. Every couple of months, change the address on your investments. Have them sent to the address of the country house where your wife (ie the B) exiled you. Change the statements back to your city address whenever she notices. Make a face when she rants about how the kids go to school in the city, which is in a different state, financial aid, that Fafsa thing, squirrel, cheesecake(!). Then make a joke, even though the B won't get it.
2. Quit swapping the addresses on financial statements after two or three times because, you know...Hum to yourself if she mentions that the two states do not have reciprocal tax laws, which means that, if you have to pay tax to state A, but have already paid it to state B, state B will not give money back, so you will pay tax twice. Since the woman keeps score about every little thing, prepare yourself for a rant about that time you hid the scary government letter in your underwear drawer until it was too late and she paid double state tax on the year she made the most money in her life. Remind her that people make mistakes and she's not perfect--what about that time she ran out of stamps and paid the bill late and you got fined $25?!!!
3. Lose your wallet. Get cards replaced. Lose wallet again. Repeat. Sticking to the "lose your wallet schedule" will be a challenge because of executive functioning issues, but stick with it, because the results will be awesome when she has to match up that fist full of store receipts with credit card statements as she hunts for deductible expenses. Remember--the more account numbers to account for, the more fun!!!
4. Don't be lazy--do your share. Annotate each receipt. Write down what it was for and the year. Get creative! There's a reason they call it Creative Accounting, right? Put down any year from 2013 to 2015. Don't worry about whether it matches what the receipt says. Why sweat the details? Scribble anything else--it'll prove it was a business expense because you were clearly too busy at work to write legibly. Hand this pile of paper to the wife with a self-satisfied grin. But don't expect to be appreciated for the ten minutes you spent putting this together. Jeez, if you knew what a B she'd turn into, you never woulda married her. She did have great legs...
5. John Wesley Harding was definitely Dylan's best album.
6. When you rent the country house out to that movie company this summer, tell them "mi casa su casa" because you are a chill guy who supports young artists. When they start living at the location as well as filming there, do not renegotiate the terms because you are no money-grubber. When the houseful of 20-somethings use so much water that the well is ruined and you need to put in a new pump, deposit the insurance reimbursement money directly into the joint checking account without showing wife the check. Then give her the insurance company statement, but tear off the bottom of the page, where all the info is, below the fold. Tell her it's a really late payment, cut in September 2014, for damage done to the house during Hurricane Sandy. Pretty slick! Smoke another bowl to celebrate your wicked smarts. She'll never figure that one out. Take a toke and scribble "hurricanne Sanndy" across the top of that insurance statement in pencil to really fool her!
7. When she says she's not mad, but would like the details about the busted well and that insurance check, because she can deduct whatever the damage to the house was, minus the insurance paid as partial reimbursement, against the pitiful rental income you got from the indie movie company, hang up on her. When she calls you back, insist that she hung up on you. Keep that circular argument going as long as possible, this is an instance where your years of experience at this give you the upper hand. Then tell her you can't talk about this on the phone. Then say you'll talk about it on (first day that pops into your head). Then forget about the appointment.
8. Hamburgers are so much better grilled. Is there another box of red in the pantry? Look at all that tomato sauce, it's so red. You should buy another red sweater like the one you had in '82...That was a warm sweater.
9. Don't answer the phone. It'll cut off after 15 rings. Now it's ringing again. You were right--clearly the B calling. Dodged that one! What a beautiful April day! Don't want to spoil it by talking to her about... whatever.
Great solution!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<<
4) Refusal to take my advice on how to set-up her W-4's so we could shoot at breaking even at least....(She would claim 4 though out the year while I claimed 1, she was using my overpayment to keep herself from paying, so she could get it through out the year (and she wanted to split any refunds 50/50 of course)...But, the worst part was the vehement denial and blaming me when we had to pay...This one broke the camel's back....
5) So for the last three years I've filed married and separate...I'm getting 1,400.00 this year....She told me she has to pay a lot...
>>>>>
Solutions like this are great because it forces the ADHD person to not live in denial or a dream world. Before that, they can "fool" themselves into thinking that their deductions were enough to get some of the joint refund back.
Whenever something is "shared" between H and me it becomes so blurry to him that he truly thinks that he's doing his share. Not just with me, but it happened when he shared a home with 3 roomies. He honestly thought he was "doing his share". He wasn't....not even close.
Having your wife file separately forced her to see that by "claiming 4", she isn't having enough taxes withheld. She will likely do the same this year, because of the "now and not now" issues with ADHD (now she wants the money. Not now is next year's taxes. )
You are right OWW
Submitted by c ur self on
This is exactly right...She fully believed what you are saying here...That she was doing her part...I've shared w/ so many on this forum to not engage or to live like you're single in many ways to force accountability...It's the only way for some of us to have any peace....Because, if your spouse can't remember, can't rationalize, always tries to look for ways to cover themselves at your expense...The only way to do things that most couples can set down and agree on is separately.
When I use to try and force it, thinking she was just that cold hearted...And new what she doing...I became the abuser, I became bitter and angry...I became the problem for me, her and the marriage....
She don't mind chaos...so, I step out of the way:)
C
I've found it very important to keep some things VERY separate..
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
It is very easy for the ADHD person (particularly one who is in denial) to blur the lines and "believe" that they're doing more or doing their share if those things aren't clearly defined.
For instance, if the job is to "clean the house" and everyone just pitches in, then it's easy for the ADHD person to do one or two chores (while the others are doing multiple chores) and he'll think he's done his fair share.
I have found that if the list is written out and then fairly split by "estimated time to complete" (for instance, each person is given about 60-90 minutes worth of chores), then the ADHD person can't just spend 90 minutes on some chore that really should only take 10 minutes and think he's done his share of the work. Or worse, spend 10 minutes on some chore and doing it poorly and then thinking he's done his share.
The same with money. We keep separate accounts. We have to. If all the money were in one account, H would have "big eyes" and spend it all on something impulsive.
We have separate credit cards. We have to. When we had shared cards, H would yell at the totals (my charges are mostly business related) and ignore that his totals were purely wasted impulsive purchases. His card has a low credit limit so that he can't buy too much. He tends to keep it near the limit. I have paid it off a few times only to see him jack it up within a very short time...so I just let him carry a balance (which I don't like because of interest, but it keeps his spending in check).
My business expenses (set up on auto-pay on my credit card) run about $2500 per month. These are utility bills and other mandatory monthly business expenses. There's no way around them. They're not a "choice" or frivolous. It's best that H not even see those expenses because when he's upset, he would say, "you charge $2500 a month and you think my $1200 is too much." lol Uh, the business pays for its expenses.
I thin ADHD people NEED accountability and that can only be had when things aren't blurred and mixed up. I know I've told this story before, but when I first met H, he was only actually working about 20 hours a week, but getting paid for 40. His company had "flex time" which allowed people to arrive between 7-9am.....take lunch between 11-1.....and leave between 4-6pm. The idea was that the person was supposed to create a 40 hour schedule that fit into those parameters. Well, H was coming in at 9, taking a 2 hour lunch, and leaving at 4 pm. Yet, he BELIEVED he was working 40 hours (and he has a masters degree in MATH!!) When I called him on it, he said that he was working 40 hours, so I made him add up his actual hours. He was shocked to see in Black and White his true effort. The only reason his boss never caught on was because the boss was VERY ill (and died during this time) and wasn't paying attention. Any other boss would have caught this glaring discrepancy.
OWW
Submitted by c ur self on
I agree with you about much of what you say, based on your experience of sharing life with your husband...Just as my life of trail and error has taught me much about how my wife thinks, and how she pursue's life...
But, we differ some what....
(For instance, if the job is to "clean the house" and everyone just pitches in, then it's easy for the ADHD person to do one or two chores (while the others are doing multiple chores) and he'll think he's done his fair share.
I have found that if the list is written out and then fairly split by "estimated time to complete" (for instance, each person is given about 60-90 minutes worth of chores), then the ADHD person can't just spend 90 minutes on some chore that really should only take 10 minutes and think he's done his share of the work. Or worse, spend 10 minutes on some chore and doing it poorly and then thinking he's done his share.)
While I totally agree w/this statement of yours as being a perfect representative of the facts of my wife's mindset and her ability to perform at a level that I would judge has sufficient or insufficient for the time of pursuance of the allotted tasks...There is no way I'm going to address it again:) (verbally)...First off, for me to address it says I know best and I'm going take responsibility to direct you (mother) in a fair manner. Well, I don't know about your husband, but, my wife takes this type action as non-acceptance...(she is broken). My efforts in the past though all well meaning, only produced conflict, and damage to our relationship.
I do agree w/ separate accounts and separate bank cards etc...because there are clear lines when it comes to managing finances...If no one else has access, there can be no blame or denial:) that in it-self produces accountability for both of us. Although to me this is very important point!....No secrets in a marriage, a good one anyway:)...My account information is always viewable for her. She says her's is for me also...I've never pushed it...LOL.
The story about the way your husband was managing his work time to me really has very little to do with add/adhd...I'm retired now, but, I worked with a shop full of guys for 37 years. Things use to be more cut and dried in the 70's and 80's...You were told what was expected of you...You either came in each day and performed appropriately or you found somewhere else to work....Then the age of liberalism came along in the mid 90's...Then the trouble started...We would try to give guy's some say in scheduling, work assignments, and other aspects of their jobs...This started the age of dissension, most all of us got greedy..."What's in it for me" So the results became low worker satisfaction scores and over all poor morale...There was no thankfulness for just being blessed to be employed.....
I'm finding out more each day that True Love produces: Acceptance, Calmness, Openness, Accountability, No judgments, No anger and bitterness. And all the other wonderful things we were created to experience....
One other important aspect about Love is: "It is not always pleasurable"
C