In tears and Torn at what to do.

I love my husband very much... But things have become unbearable. I am a Christian, and I am trying to do what is right.. and that is stay with him no matter what. 

I have ordered almost every book on the market geared towards the ADHD/Marriage situation.. and as usual I am the only one interested in reading them. 

We were seeing a Christian Family Counselor, and things seemed so promising in the beginning.. But it was not long before the same old habits kicked back in. 

My Husband lies to me, Refuses to put me before his family, and has tremendous issues with money. He was diagnosed as being extremely ADHD & Bipolar. His family refuses to believe that he is Bipolar, so of Course my husband refuses to take his medication for that. He also refuses to take his ADHD medicine as well. 

I feel like I am his mother 99% of the time. And what makes matters worse.. His family continues to make plans, or run important events by him.. Never seeming to understand that I do not find out any information until the day of ! It is very frustrating. 

I know most of you know how hard it is to live with an ADHD spouse. Its like when they are home.. They aren't really here. Any conversation with my husband is non existent. Our conversations literally consist of me asking him several questions, with his response always being " Huh? or What did you say Babe"? It is so frustrating. 

He misplaces everything, cannot keep up with his receipts.. and then gets angry with me when he cannot find them.. AS IF IT'S MY FAULT!

EVERY TIME OUR ACCOUNT GOES IN THE NEGATIVE... IT'S ALWAYS MY FAULT! I AM LITERALLY TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING!!! 

We went through a period where we had zero money for a month. The kids and I were down to cans of soup from the pantry. I kept wondering how he could come home and not be "starving" like we were. I also noticed that he had picked up weight. But how? We didn't have any money. So I played detective a few afternoons. I found out that he was going out to eat with his Father every afternoon. And I even saw my husband in a Taco Bell drive thru a few hours later. You have no idea how hard that was for me to keep my cool. Just knowing that my husband was eating food elsewhere, while his family went hungry everyday.. MADE ME SICK. 

I later found out that his Mother had given him $80 for grocery money for us. She wasn't to happy when I informed her that I never saw the money, and he was apparently buying fast food and snacks while working. 

The worst part of my relationship is the lack of compassion on his part. I can be in tears telling him something, and instead of comforting words.. He will literally do this. " AH Man babe I saw this awesome deal and I think I should get it, what do you think"?

WTF are you kidding me??? And this happens ALL THE TIME. He will always change the subject so that the conversation is about him. 

Recently, I got a major injury. I have 3 slipped discs and I have never been in so much pain in my entire life. Everyday is excruciating for me. He has really hurt my feelings.. but I'm not really surprised.. just extremely disappointed. When my back flares up, he will make a million excuses as to why he cannot rub my aching back. He has a million excuses as to why he cannot go to any of my doctor appointments with me. He missed a very important one where I had to go talk to a neurosurgeon. 

My Husband then has the nerve to yell at me and call me worthless because I am unable to Vacuum, Mop, and do anything that requires me to bend forward. 

Hearing that I am worthless has got to be one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me. 

His grandmother has come over here a few times to help me clean up the house. She has told my husband that there is no reason he cannot help "maintain" the house. But guess what? My husband is off 2 days every single week.. and on his 2 off days he sits in front of the television, or plays video games all day. He won't help me do Crap around here. 

I am a very neat person, and I hate "nasty" so yesterday I finally just cleaned the floors myself.. and I am paying for it today. My back has not stopped burning and aching all day. He has been a complete butt to me.. He said he doesn't feel sorry for me, because it's my own damn fault that my back hurts. That I should listen to the doctor. When he came home today he just locked himself in his office, playing on his computer. And here I am barely able to walk, and as soon as I finish this little blog I have to go make my kids dinner and give them a bath. Sigh. 

 Why is he not capable of cleaning anything??? I don't understand how "dirty" doesn't bother him. If you go open up his car doors, trash falls out everywhere. He is such a slob, and I am floored that he is taking my injury as free reign to be a slob in the house. 

And I don't understand why he can't seem to help me do chores around the house, but the moment his family calls him needing his help.. Boom he is out the door. I get left at home all alone ALL THE TIME.

This part is a little intimate.. But when we made love the other night, my back went out on me. The right side of my back is numb, and I asked him to please rub it for me. He said that he couldn't.. because he was late for work. And he promised he would rub my back when he got home. He never did, because somehow I pissed him off.. and I no longer deserved a back massage from him. So see what I mean? Compassion does not exist in my husband's DNA. 

My Entire family cannot stand my husband. My dad doesn't trust him further than he could throw him. My dad says he can see right through him, and that I am stupid for staying here.  My sister is no longer talking to me. She told me that she cannot stand him, and she cannot stand seeing me go through this. 

I guess I should go ahead and tell you ladies that my husband had applied for a transfer to another state without my knowledge. He wanted to be closer to his family. Once the transfer was accepted he basically gave me the ultimatum that I either stayed or went with him. I had no say so. So now we live 2 min down the road from his parents. And I am miserable down here. My whole family is upset with me that I came down here with him after he did that to me. ....

I feel like I am doing the right thing. I know that God hates divorce.. But lately I keep thinking if God would want anyone to go through something like this?? I don't know what to do anymore, and I feel so alone. 

Should I keep trying? Do you ladies think there is hope? 

Sincerely, 

Confused, Hurt, and Lonesome.

Aw hun, I'm so sorry to hear

Aw hun, I'm so sorry to hear this, especially when you are in physical pain as well. There's always hope, but maybe it has to come in small steps. For example, I had to train my husband's family to tell ME of events first. It was hard, but it happened and now we don't miss a family thing. It helps that we're all on Facebook too, so I can see what everyone's planning.

And I don't understand why he can't seem to help me do chores around the house, but the moment his family calls him needing his help.. Boom he is out the door. I get left at home all alone ALL THE TIME.

Been there too! It always hurt that he was out the door in a flash for others, but picked me up late. I don't understand this and it's not resolved for me either.

Compassion does not exist in my husband's DNA.

My husband has empathy and compassion issues as well. He'll tease people's pets and just cannot relate. He'll complain about how his brother's destroyed his stuff and how angry it made him, but then he'll break something of mine and can't figure out why I'm angry. I think this is an ADD trait.

My Entire family cannot stand my husband. My dad doesn't trust him further than he could throw him. My dad says he can see right through him, and that I am stupid for staying here.  My sister is no longer talking to me. She told me that she cannot stand him, and she cannot stand seeing me go through this.

Yup, yup and yup. I have that t-shirt too. Do you think you and your children could live with your sister for a while? It sounds like you need a break from him. You really need to look after yourself first so that you are physically and emotionally healthy enough to cope. Is there anyone else you can get support from aside from the counsellor and your faith? {{hugs}}

The way I cope mostly is that my husband is on his own planet, but it doesn't mean I have to live there with him. We often do things apart just because he's a night owl and sleeps all day. This was not how I pictured my marriage would be (married for almost 8 and I knew he had ADD before...but didn't know how frustrating it would be). Sometimes it's as if we live as room mates and I'm fine with that now. In a way, it's sad, but when we have good times, they are the best times...and the bad times, they are the worst times :\