Hey everyone,
I'm the non-adhd partner in a mixed relationship of more than six years. While we're not married yet, we will talk about it frequently and have for years now, but the timing just hasn't been right. We would've probably married about 2 years ago or so, but something really big and traumatizing happened to the both of us: her father passed away over the course of a year and a half to cerosis of the liver. The whole experience really sent her into anxiety, depression, and brought out symptoms of her adhd that she'd learned to outgrow from her school years (traits and qualities I'd never seen up until this point, even years into our relationship). Throughout the process of not only going back to school, starting her own business, losing her father/coping with grief and her toxic family, she's started to take medication again and see a psychotherapist for her adhd. That's been about a year now, since she started taking meds, and she used to take them when she was younger, but never do anything else about it, and I think that's a part of this issue...
The trauma that the whole death scenario, rediscovering how adhd fights against her often, and many other things like the pandemic and losing friends has left us both hurt. If you've read Melissa's book, I feel like we're 98% of exactly what she describes. We've become two different people, enraged, confused, and separated by our shared trauma. Her's being PTSD, mine being secondary PTSD. Her's being ADHD flares, mine being compassion fatigue. We both established that we need to work our own healing and our healing as a couple, so she's started seeing a therapist for her grief/anxiety, and I've started seeing one for my situational depression/anxiety/resentment. On top of that, we're in the process of finding a therapist for us as a couples session... But by "us" finding a therapist, I mean me taking hours and hours out of my busy days, wherever I can, to find someone who's covered by insurance AND fits her tight standards for someone she's willing to see. So, I took the time, compiled a list of about 10 counselors I could reach out to, and when I asked her if she could spend 5 minutes with me and point out her top three that I could reach out to and schedule us a session with, she said it was too hard of a topic for us to talk about first thing in the morning. Come the evening time and I mention it again, and she's too tired to think critically right now (even though the past few nights she's been up until 1-3am, and when I asked her in the evening it was around 8pm). Well, it's been four days and as you can guess, she still hasn't told me which therapists she prefers me reach out to. I'm trying to take the not-nagging approach, since I feel like I made it clear I have it ready to talk about and that the ball is in her court. But then this happens: innaction. At this point, this is where my old passive aggressive (or just feeling-responsible-for-everything-as-the-non-adhd-partner) self would come in and I would just schedule something for us, but I know if I do, she'd complain I didn't get her input and would most likely close off even more to getting this off the ground.
When she first found out that adhd was holding her back and starting to hinder her life again, I completely opened my mind and have always listened. When things continually got worse and our communication broke down and we started to realize it, she would say that I just need to learn more about adhd to understand her, and not to try and force her to be someone she's not. Well, what happened? I did dive in and I've done countless hours of research and reading over the past few months. Literal DAYS worth of hours just reading books, listening to videos and podcasts, and searching the internet. When I discovered Melissa's book, I immediately listened to it every chance I got because Iw as desperate for answers on why it had gotten so bad and anything I could do to fix it. We share an audible account, so I asked her if she would listen to it too, and she said she would. Now, it's only 8 hours in audiobook form, and I finished it twice in a week. She didn't even start it. Then she went away to Disneyland with her Mom and sister for 4 days, and when she came back, I had listened to Hallowell's 'Delivered From Distraction' twice as well too. I told her about that one too, and that it would be a good start for her and is even way shorter, but since then, she's still not listened to either of them.
That was OVER A MONTH AGO. Am I crazy for feeling like she's not committed to learning about this like I am? She says she is, and when I even try to bring up anything about it, she gets defensive and says I'm just criticizing who she really is, trying to change her, don't understand her, or that I'm trying to control her. If I ever DARE to bring up how her unmanaged symptoms hurt me, she's go full victim mode, and it feels like she denies my pain. Or she'll say she feels hurt how I don't think that she's committed to it if I try and bring up how easy it would be for her to find 3 hours over the course of a month. There was literally a night just last week where she stayed up until 4 am and when she woke up, the FIRST thing she talked about was how much she was loving re-watching her favorite show and binged 4 episodes of it in a row. THAT'S MORE THAN THE TIME OF THE BOOK. I'm sorry, I feel like I've got off the rails and just started ranting... But I think I finally got enough of the story out to ask my real question here:
How can I approach the topic of healing and understanding adhd and it's effects on me without her getting defensive or shutting down? How do you know when to engage again when you've disengaged to give them space to show you they can do something themselves but just WON'T take ANY innitiative, even when there's countless opportunities?
I don't just feel like I'm walking on eggshells... I feel like I'm swimming in a pool of glass shards, and she's STILL denying that I'm hurt or that healing us needs to be priority number one.
She has demonstrated what she is willing to do
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
You can't put any credence into the words she gives you but must just focus on what she actually does. In your case it is nothing. Seemingly for her 'you have the problem' of 'trying to change her'. Her denial is advanced and amounts to absolving (eternally) her actions (or, more correctly, inactions) and walking away from the issues. Do you want to live this way for the next thirty years? (It will get worse as the 'shared responsibilities' of marriage and child-rearing erupt.)
The issue is now what you are going to do FOR YOU. You must prepare yourself for unpleasantness. Go to your therapists to discuss options. If you have shared assets (home, autos, savings) consult with a attorney so you understand how to equitably separate them if needed. Do it in advance of a 'crisis' since the advice will have a chance to 'sink in' more. You deserve sanity.
I see what you're saying.
Submitted by Varden on
I see what you're saying. Focusing on me has been priority number one this past month while I'm realizing I need to be in "full-on heal mode". Also, I really do genuinely still love her at the end of the day. And when things are good, I'm still deep in love. But when it gets bad, it hurts so bad and so fast at this point..
Furthermore, even though we're not married, our lives are extremely intertwined. Not long after we met, about two months or so, her mom kicked her out of her house. She was 19 and I was 22. She moved in with my parents and I, and we moved out a few months later and have been living together ever since.
At this point, we have two cats that are 5 years old and like children to us, an RV we co-own, and a shared bank account, as well as shared insurances and a rental lease. It would be a tougher than average split for a standard un-married couple.
I can't lie.. there has definitely been multiple times (covert & internally within me recently, or overt and outspoken between us over the years) where it felt like the relationship we've built on paper and our cats have kept us together and willing to try and "rebuild to be even better", so to speak.
This is why I'm so eager to go into a state of focusing on repairing us, and why it also frustrates me and hurts when she seemingly chooses to do everything but that.
And yet.. lo and behold, ironically as such, today she started listening to the book a bit. Who knows how far she got through it, or what she actually heard from it, not to mention how she interpreted that still.
You can't fix this
Submitted by adhd32 on
It's like rowing a boat with one oar, you just go round in circles. Two oars working together gets you going somewhere. You cannot fix this nor can you inspire or force her to participate. No amount of therapy will change her, it might help some if she is open and willing but results are short lived because commitment to the program is required and, well, it's not a strong characteristic of ADHD people. When you have had enough of being the support staff you will likely accept that her lack of engagement is beyond your control. Think very critically about marriage and kids things often get worse with extra responsibilities.
Thank you sincerely for the
Submitted by Varden on
Thank you sincerely for the insight, I really do appreciate it. I'm curious to know, are you writing this from the perspective of someone who has adhd or who doesn't? Also, did this happen to you, or something similar? Appreciate the wisdom
I am the Non spouse
Submitted by adhd32 on
Read through my prior posts, every thing I wrote here is based on personal experience. Having kids pushed whatever control H had over the edge and started the downward spiral. Denial, gaslighting, blame became his way of dealing with his many undone responsibilities. He was an uninvolved father iritatated that little kids needed so much attention and guidance as the got older. A self focus husband who preferred singular activities. As with many, the turning point came when we were at a crossroad and I suggested we go our separate ways. There is no getting anyone else on board, usually the talk of discontent throws gas on the always smoldering fire. Plan ahead, know your options, get legal advice, and really really really think honestly if you want this forever.
It’s Heartbreakingly Difficult
Submitted by shevrae on
First off I want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this - it sounds like it's been extraordinarily hard on you both.
I'm the nonADHD partner who did get married and then lived this chaos without a diagnosis for 23 years. He would never agree to counseling because he always had some issue with it. He wouldn't consider a doctor's visit either. He consistently said he wanted to work on things but just didn't have time - but he had plenty of time for playing video games. I'm sorry to say that the only thing that did any good in my marriage was me saying I wanted to leave. THEN he would do anything I asked.
I now realize in learning about ADHD that I had finally applied enough pressure to make it a priority for him. But I wasn't just making a threat - I really meant it. So several times in this relationship I have had to figure out how to forgive and re-engage after honestly being done with it, but it's the only thing that made a bit of difference.
I'm not suggesting you try this - I think it's really awful and has been extremely painful for me. I guess I'm just letting you know that if you can't get her to engage and you decide to end the relationship, you should be prepared for that to be the moment she finally engages (for a little while, anyway).
Now that my husband is diagnosed and in treatment (a boundary I have set at this point as a requirement for me to stay) it's much easier to at least start a conversation about addressing things. We're still working on the resolving things part.
Wow, this is my situation also with my husband.
Submitted by kosty on
I'm the non-adhd partner also, and everything that you said, is exactly the way I feel. So first off let me say thank you so much for sharing and opening up.
My husband and I have been married for 22 years. I told me several years ago that he is on the spectrum of ADHD, but has never done anything about it, he is a social worker and deals with this all the time.
My husbands mother passed away almost a year and a half ago, and that's when things took a turn for the worst, he started lying, using marijuana more frequently, not sleeping, having cold/hot flashes, he also is a diabetic, mood swings got worse. I was as supportive as I could be. I know that I was too the problem so that is why I got myself into therapy a year ago, and I'm so happy that I did. I was so angry, frustrated, resentful, ect. but working on myself has really help me learn how to be happy again. We also discussed him doing therapy, but he refused, and my therapist said it is not my responsibility to make him go, so I let it go. About a week ago he called me during lunch, he has hyper and sounded frantic. His new computer wasn't working, and I said ok call me back when you are more calm, he screamed at me no I have to ask you something, about how our insurance works and therapy. He screamed again about his computer not working I told him to please call me back, 2 seconds later he did, still not calm, screaming at my how did I find my therapist, I calmly told him. He then screamed at me some more that he was giving numbers from our insurance company, and the one number they gave him was an old therapist who he hated. I just said geez sorry, not know what I know now since I too have done hours of research on the ADHD. He came home that night, very depressed, I said how was your day, he said very frustrating, I said do you want to talk about it and he said no that is not the only problem, then after pushing him which I should have not done, he said he was unhappy in our marriage and didn't think he could go on. I was in shock, I said ok, went to bed, tossed and turned all night. We were sitting on the couch in the morning, and I started to cry and said I don't want to get a divorce, he said I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you, you are a good person, he then left for work. Came home that after in the best mood ever, the days after he was in a good mood, we even went to the Museum Of Natural History that Saturday, and had a great time. Nothing has been brought up about divorce, and he even texted his brother and said he hasn't done anything yet, as things are calm. I still don't know if he has done anything with a therapist and I don't plan to ask.
I have been reading two books which have been helping a lot one is How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It & the other is The ADHD Effect On Marriage. Also finished them in less than a week trying to learn.
I have been on my own journey of peace and happiness, and have come to realize that I'm the only one in control of my own life, my own peace, and my own happiness. I can't control his peace, his happiness, he has to do that own his own.
I love the questions you ask at the end about how you can approach the topic of healing and understanding adhd and its effects on you with her getting defensive or shutting down, that is my husband to a tee. Also how do you engage again when you've disengaged to give them space to show you they can do something themselves but they just wont take any initiative.
I would love to know how you are doing now, and if you have learned anything new.
I'm going to hopefully get into the NON-ADHD classes in March.
I hope you have found some happiness and peace.
I'm here if you need to talk, vent ect.
Kosty