Hi,
This is my first post here. I've been together with my boyfriend, B, for almost three years, including a lot of long distance but also time living together (now we live an hour and a half drive away from each other so I see him every week-end). I read Melissa's book about two years ago, when B mentioned he'd had some trouble with ADD in the past, and it was absolutely illuminating. B was diagnosed with PTSD as well due to childhood traumas and has in general had a very tough life. Since we've been together we've helped each other a lot, he's now back in school (it's very difficult for him but he receives help from the school and has a prescription for Ritalin and anxiety medication that doesn't always help enough though) and we're working on understanding each other better.
Obviously there are ups and downs, we've just come out of a tough period but we always manage to reconnect and learn from what happened.
My question is this: while my boyfriend acknowledges that he has ADD and PTSD and that they have an impact on him and us, he doesn't like discussing it too much because he doesn't want to be defined by his "problems". If people take issue with his behavior, he takes it very personally and gets defensive (which spirals into yelling and crying matches when I'm myself feeling vulnerable for whatever reason and don't have the strength or ability to be soothing and rational). It's happened a few times now that members of my family witnessed such "episodes" of his (they live in a different country so we only see them every once in a while): one sibling saw him freak out and yell at a neighbor for what turned out to be a misunderstanding; one got very scared when B had a meltdown while he was driving us because we asked him to slow down (it's an old and tricky car) and he felt we were "attacking him" and "not trusting him"; and my parents saw him get verbally aggressive with an airport authority person when B felt cornered with all the (routine) security questions we were being asked.
Because of this, several members of my family have already approached me and told me that they worry about me, one even thought that B was physically violent towards me. They were especially shocked because they usually see him playing with the kids for hours, helping out in the kitchen, fixing electric appliances around the house when we visit my family, being caring and supporting towards me etc., all the typical ADHD qualities that make us fall in love with them in the first place... I tried to reassure them as well as I could by saying he was under a lot of stress at those times, but I know they worry that I'm in denial and possibly in an abusive relationship.
What should I do? On the one hand, I respect that B doesn't want his private life (and the state of his brain) to be a subject of discussion with his in-laws. On the other, I cannot stand the looks of worry and the whispers behind my back - it's embarrassing, it's damaging to my relationship with my family and with B, and I just wish I could tell them that it's not his fault, that he's working hard to control his emotions and that jeez, I'm not getting beat up or something!
I just want them to see him as the amazing person that he is, loving, fun, caring, attentive, he makes me happy - and not be side-tracked by some bad ADHD/PTSD-triggered episodes.
Have you been in such a situation? What did you do? How did it play out? What course of action would you recommend? I'd really appreciate your help.
Dinah
Dear young Dinah
Submitted by jennalemone on
"...in denial and possibly in an abusive relationship." People tend to not say ANYTHING unless there is real fear.
I fell in love with my dh at the age of 15. He was funny, strong, hard working (it seemed to me because he was often dirty...ahhh, young blind love). He would do things for people. He would do things for me...little funny things. He said all the right words.. "I love you" was the most important. I had not heard that from ANYONE before - including family...I so wanted those words. I believed he loved me because he said so. I know I would never have said those words until I was REALLY ready to spend a life with someone. So I thought he meant it too. I loved his smile, his physique, his easy-goingness. His family went to the same church (although he was fond of skipping himself). He seemed to me like a big strong puppy that I could be part of his life and I could help him be "president of the United States" if that is what he wanted to do and he would make me happy and proud to be with him. He would be the big strong guy who would not let bullies and naysayers pull us down. I would make a pretty haven for our family to live in. He would appreciate all my abilities to make a home and family.
Over the years we dated for long times and broke up each time I CAUGHT him dallying with other girls. 3 times over. Why did I not learn? Why did I keep taking him back? The last time, I got pregnant and I knew myself, this was not going to be good for me. After we married I caught him with other girls a few times but still was giving him the benefit of the doubt that he was a good guy and would "come around" some day. He used confidence and jokes and diversions - which worked well on me - I tend to obsess. I really did love him with all the romantic notions a young woman has when reading the teen and romance literature. I had manufactured a reality in my mind that included the words "soul-mate", "the one", "my husband", "my love of my life."
The fourth year we were married, he had a "nervous breakdown" and went to a psychiatrist we really could not afford...he didn't want the people he worked with to find out so we were paying directly for months of twice weekly sessions. HE had a nervous breakdown after being with other women after we were married, coming home after 2am from work many times, I had a collicky baby and I worked full time when he made a mess of credit card debt and bought an MG convertible. His only solution to all this was for us to move out of the overwhelming (to him) city (which was my beloved East Side neighborhood) back to our small country hometown. My job as a secretary could not support us and in those days NO ONE took help from the state. NO ONE got divorced....in my family anyway. If things weren't going well, it was your own fault and you better work a little harder.
He was a traveling salesman. I was now in a conservative country house with a 5 year old. Alone a lot. NO opportunities for women (hunting and fishing and football are big) other than churches and grocery stores and gossip. Family was not supportive...we were a stoic bunch....."Deal with it" was the wisdom of the time. I I told myself all relationships have their ups and downs. I tried to understand HIM better. I respected his privacy and never told family or friends how difficult it was for me and how I didn't trust him. I was ashamed of his dallyences He would actally say to me, "You better take care of my needs before I go out of town...if you know what I mean....because absence make the heart wander...haha". So he now got to spend time in the cities with his job and I was stuck alone in the country by myself.
Why am I going on like this? Dinah, you sound like an intelligent person. Your ability to turn a good phrase is amazing. My family did not feel anything was wrong with my marriage. Your family is TELLING you what they see and feel. Your relationship might even be worse than mine if they are TELLING you these things. Love can be blind. Something inside us sometimes has a need to be in a certain type of relationship. They say if you are drawn to a relationship, it is comfortable to you...a similar role you play in other relationships. I am guessing that you might be a "worker bee" in your family of origin rather than a "beloved valued one". You may be denying this also....rationalizing.
I wish I had had a counselor for myself in those early days. I only knew to work harder to MAKE it work. (Mother said, "When life hands you lemons....you have to make lemonade." I thought it was GOOD ENOUGH. I rationalized our relationship right out of a reality that was healthy. I am ashamed that I stayed this long in something so unhealthy. I thought I was strong and could TAKE it. I am 66 years old. Now that the work is over I HATE MY SELF. Part of it is that I lived in rationalizing his lack of effort for 40 years. Not only hating myself but I am looking at possibly 20 years of being sick to my stomach and ashamed. As a long term couple you tend to take on the qualities of each other. I permitted myself to be part of this union with his guy. After all, I am MRS. HIM. I have HIS last name.
Don't be me. Find a GOOD (older and experienced) counselor who will lead you to define and accept your issues (yes we all have issues and yours. is that you have stars in your eyes about this guy. Work to be whole, happy and proud of yourself. Keep trying counselors....most will have a telephone interview for free before the first appointment. Find a good one. Tell them you feel fine but someone told you that you seem to love people who are not good for you.
You Need to Stop Hating Yourself jennalemone!
Submitted by kellyj on
Anyone who has gone through what you have has an inner strength to be admired. If you can't see that I figured I would tell you that. You are in a process of itself that takes time....but it will not always be this way. Please believe me when I say that this is a normal process. And I don't mean to tell you what to do by saying you need to stop hating yourself.....I have a direct way of communicating sometimes that doesn't translate well on the internet but I am very sincere here. I've gone through exactly the same thing you are going through and everything you're feeling is the same thing. I'm not trying to minimize you or your feelings when I'm telling you this. But what is real is today. There is no yesterday in reality and you are right where you are each day and that's a fact. What ever the future brings will be determined by what you do today. If I can offer you something real and useful now....it's only to say that however you feel today does not have to be how you feel tomorrow....but when your done grieving and processing the past to the point you are ready.....you need to about face and look in the other direction? You can't move forward very well if you are facing in the wrong direction:)
I feel for you and I know where you are...I'm hoping that you won't stay there too long. I know what it's like when you feel like you don't have anything to look forward to but that's exactly what you need to have.......don't forget to dream a little...it's good for the soul. I'm sure there is something that you would like to have or do that you haven't done before. You still have that opportunity if you haven't forgotten how to dream. My current dream is to try and enjoy at least something each day as it comes....that's not an unrealistic one to have I don't think:) But being good to yourself does require you not to hate yourself. If you do at least one thing everyday that gives you some enjoyment...I think you'll find that this will become infectious and you'll do that more often than not!
Please...take care of yourself
J
Facing in a good direction
Submitted by jennalemone on
Thanks J. Yeah, my counselor is happy to see that I am facing my misery and feeling it for once rather than rationalizing it away. She says it is healthy at this point. Something I must submit myself to. I only wish I had started this MUCH earlier. My misery might as well be used now to serve those young people who are doing the same thing I did when I could not see past the "romance" of young love. When I was young I was high functioning which gave me the courage and confidence to think I could handle others who needed me (husband). Now, after 40 years of being married to "thinks he's single" guy, when I go to bed at night, my body feels the feeling like a person gets right before going on stage for public speaking.....shakey, afraid, paralyzed..."What am I doing this for? How did I get myself into this situation?" kind of anxiety.
This forum lets us write things to people we might be socially limited in saying to friends and family....the truth as we see it from someone's written words. We have no agenda - no reason not to submit our perspective to what we see as clear as we can. Its a great place to put out things we wouldn't ordinarily put into words to anyone other than a paid counselor.
Thanks J for contributing and speaking out bluntly. it is what I try to do too. Thanks for giving words of encouragement...that is a fear of mine that this might be the way I am for the rest of my life. You are saying there may be blue skies ahead after I walk through this path of growth....I hope that is the way it goes.
Another Thought
Submitted by kellyj on
If you haven't read Elisabeth Kübler-Ross...On Death and Dying...it's a pretty interesting book she wrote in the 60's? I think she was a psychology researcher who cataloged the grieving process over many patients to come up with a really good detailed account of what we all go through when we experience dying ( for real ). But there are also some good books about this process as it pertains to any loss and specifically (divorce/death) or the loss of your relationship. There is one called "When Your Relationship Ends" and I can't remember by who? But it also describes the process if you want to understand what is happening to you ( the emotions and stages, physiological effects etc) that are you are experiencing. It is nice to know that you are not going crazy at the very least....it is a human experience. The one thing I wanted to add here that I forgot to mention. Things do change rather quickly....and again...and again......This is normal too so it might be well advised not to make too many major decisions while you going through this. I think you'll find that there will come a time when you wake up and go," mmmm....I feel somewhat Okay" That's normal too...like I was saying. I wouldn't be in a hurry to make up your mind about anything right now.....which you probably already know, is really difficult to do right now. All normal ....you're Okay! Bye the way.....you'll know when you are though it because you won't feel like you do right now but it won't happen over night. It took me almost exactly 1 year in my firs marriage and more like 6 months the second time. Not something to aspire too but, you do get better with it the more times you do it however.....this can apply to becoming more resilient and having better coping skills in the future. It won't go to waste. Funny how that works? Best thing you can do is take care of yourself and do things that focus on yourself instead of anyone else right now because you're the one who needs it......
Like the Ra Ra Locker Room Speech...."this is your time, now go out there and take it!!!" you go girl. lol
J
Love wants for the other person's happiness.
Submitted by jennalemone on
I have not yet read those books but in searching information and availability of them, I Googled, "death and dying" and also "grief and grieving". I came upon this lovely quote which touches me and they are words I have been looking for....what love is:
Love wants for the other person’s happiness. Fear wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you don’t have to feel the alternative.
Yes
Submitted by kellyj on
ditto
Dear Jennalemone
Submitted by Din on
Thank you so much for your comment. I can only echo what JJaimeson already wrote and say you must be very strong and brave.
I would like to clarify one thing about my statement - it's only one of my sisters (she's 18) who verbally expressed her worry that B was violent towards me. She's the most sensitive and caring in our family and has her own experience with depression and anxiety (she used to self-harm), which is why I opened up to her and explained that B's post-trauma can sometimes be triggered by specific circumstances and is enhanced by his ADHD. She immediately understood what I meant and was very relieved, because she truly likes B and connected with him very well especially back when she was going through a rough phase and found him to be a compassionate listener.
As far as the rest of my family is concerned, it's not that they fear that B is abusive or anything; generally they like him and appreciate his candidness, helpfulness and kindness. But there's also a certain feeling among them that he isn't good enough for me, that I "lowered" myself by being with him - because he's had a hard time holding down a job and is getting his formal education only now, in his late twenties (while I graduated from a top school at a young age and now have a prestigious and well-paid job - incidentally a job I would never have applied for and accepted if it wasn't for B's unwavering support and belief in me). And the incidents I described embarrassed them in public, which obviously made them very uncomfortable.
I thought that if I explained to them about B's ADHD and PTSD, they'd be less quick to judge him for a situation that is not his fault and that he's actively trying to improve. But B considers that people should give him the benefit of the doubt without us trying to make it any easier for them by explaining what causes some of his struggles. Again, I can understand his point of view - he doesn't want pity, he wants to be liked for who he is.
I also want to add that while things can definitely be rough and we have our fair share of tearful fights, we are improving a lot. He has two therapists who help him work through his childhood traumas and help him get the tools he needs to navigate everyday life and school. Often we can have open, rational discussions about his improvements and how much we help out each other in reaching our goals. This goes out the window when he's under tons of stress for some reason and gets panicky and defensive, but when we've all calmed down we can talk calmly about what happened and how we can communicate better in the future.
Dinah, read this another day
Submitted by jennalemone on
We are very similar you and I. I have twice the education dh has but thought his "work ethic" was a good one and he also was starting college at the age of 25 when we had to get married. He has been underemployed now for almost 20 years while I worked full time. You already know that B has a hard time holding down a job and that when he was younger, he didn't use his time to get his education....why not? The writing is on the wall that he will not finish it now. "B considers that people should give him the benefit of the doubt".... Ahhhh the "benefit of the doubt" phrase I have heard from my dh so many times over the last 40 years.... Why was there so much reason for the doubting? And why does he think he is ENTITLED/DESERVING to this special benefit? My dh used the word "deserve" often. He deserved to take 6 months off of work when he was fired because he worked so hard for so many years. He deserved to have my respect because....???? ah just because he deserved it. He deserved the benefit of the doubt because that's what love is. Ah, no, that is not what love is. Love is working toward a mutual feeling of trust....not causing doubt.
I also had a romantic notion that I wanted to marry for love and not for money. Dh's lack of stature or moneied family of origin was in a way a PLUS to me too.... young love seeing each other through tough times. It turns out dh thinks he has and is doing just fine even though he has not supported his family (contributed yes, supported and planned for financial retirement no).
I know you don't want to look at it. Can't. Probably won't. A counselor is at this time finally showing me to accept all the things I didn't want to know about why I was willing to put my future in the hands of someone that was not good for me. And why i was always giving my dh the benefit of the doubt.
Why are you are trying so hard to give B the benefit of the doubt?
I think I'm starting to
Submitted by Din on
I think I'm starting to understand how PTSD and ADHD affect B differently.
The reason he got a late start is completely legitimate - he's a survivor of childhood abuse and trauma, both within his family and from an outsider who turned out to be a convicted pedophile. It took B years to come to terms with what happened, in the meantime he got a diploma for a manual job because he needed to support himself but never felt entirely satisfied and comfortable in the often rough environments he worked in (which explains part of the job-hopping - dealing with loud, sometimes verbally aggressive supervisors was not at all what he needed at that stage). In recent years he was officially diagnosed with PTSD and received a government grant to go to college to study Computer Science, which he enjoys tremendously even if the buckling down and studying for long hours and handing in assignments on time is challenging for him because of his ADHD.
I can also see where his need for "benefit of the doubt" comes from - years and years of his family rejecting him, refusing to believe his story, cutting him off financially etc. while all he wanted was people to love and who'd love him back. So part of dealing with his trauma is accepting that he doesn't have to feel immediately defensive and rejected when something like a criticism of his behavior is voiced. Again, ADHD doesn't help because the symptoms can get muddled - when he's in a lot of stress because of exams, doesn't feel like he's managing well enough and on top of that can't fall asleep because of some noise outside, he'll get very panicky, pace around, yell at himself for getting into such a situation, get angry with me because I never have those problems but immediately apologize and acknowledge that he isn't mad at me, he's mad at himself.
B has never asked for any kind of financial support from me, he takes complete responsibility for his actions (also his failures) and is most of the time very lucid about the weaknesses he wants to work on with the help of his therapists. Stress will make him doubt himself and fall into the familiar dark pit for a while, but in the almost three years we've been together he has successfully passed all the tests he needed to get into a good college and a challenging major, found an excellent lawyer who helped him manoeuver our complex legal system and get into the (selective) rehabilitation program that pays for his education, starting repairing his relationship with his family, paid off the little amount of debt he still had, started a legal procedure against the person who did these horrible things to him fifteen years ago, and is managing to stay on top of things at school (maybe not with the best grades, but he's managing).
I hope this helps you understand the situation a bit better - his ADHD makes him a bit disorganized (messy kitchen, complete dependence on a functional smartphone calendar to get to meetings, difficulty to focus for long hours on difficult college material, I sometimes need to repeat his name several times before he hears me), but also makes him creative, spontaneous and honest. The PTSD caused by the underlying trauma causes anxiety and panic attacks.
Writing all this has been so cleansing for me. I'm starting to see through the mess that his brain can be and found new strength to help him through his anxiety instead of taking it personally. I've already told him that all of this is challenging for me and our relationship and that I wanted to seek out people to talk to about those issues, and he agreed that it was a very good idea. So here I am. I love him, with and despite the struggles, and his love for me has made me such a better person that I wouldn't want to go back.