a terrible mo(u)rning

This morning was one of the worst in my life. My soon to be ex and I were scheduled to arrive at court for 8:15 am. I left a few minutes late, for no good reason either other than I was sobbing on the couch and could hardy move. On the way there, I discovered that the parking lot I needed was closed. I park in a no-park zone and run to the courthouse.

I go thru the scanning stuff, and discover I brought a lunch-fork into the courthouse by mistake(was in my purse), setting off the metal detector. I was 10 minutes late. I was so embarrassed. In my mind, I'm screaming at myself: You are such a failure, a loser, an ADHD unfocused individual...

At the court meeting, we talked about the division of property, etc. Afterwards, the flood of emotions poured in: how much I don't want this divorce, how much I love my soon to be ex, how attractive he is, how much I messed up, how I don't know where to live after June when he officially owns our condo. I'm really struggling with my decision to re-locate to Philly (Family lives in Philly, I never lived there though. I currently live in a small New England state working 3 different jobs all under $11 an hour). I've only told a couple co-workers about my situation.  My family is really pressuring me to move to Philly, the pressure heightens my stress. Anyone ever go thru a divorce and notice how it drives your family crazy and into emotional states just like it does to you?

I realized today that re-locating during all of this is heightening my stress level by a thousand percent, but I don't know if staying here will help either. I feel like my soon to be ex loved me through and through despite the current divorce, and it is extremely painful to lose that kind of love. I feel like all the blood is draining from my face. Yesterday I almost fainted at work, with the painful emotions rushing through my veins.

I desperately need counseling right now. It's tough to find someone who is willing to meet during evening hours (I work literally all day w/ my 3 jobs). It's frustrating how hard everything is right now, and more so to navigate the mental health system and find someone who can get started with me immediately and be willing to meet in the evening hours...

 

 

(((HUGS))) If the relocation

(((HUGS)))

If the relocation is causing you that much stress, then just don't do it. Your family is probably in a panic and worried about your fragile mental state. Don't beat them up too badly, they obvioulsy just have your best interest at heart. Just start looking for a small, easy to maintain place for you to stay for a few months-a year and then you can figure out what you want to do from there. Just seems like a no-brainer to me...if leaving is stressing you that bad, then just don't. 

So sorry...divorce is so painful and devastating...especially if you don't want it. Please take care of yourself and find a way to get some much needed support and help. 

In your shoes, I would be

In your shoes, I would be feeling exactly the way you are.  Can you call your local public health agency to see if it has a list of low-cost therapists?  Maybe a college or community college might have students working on master's or Ph.D. degrees and do free or low-cost therapy.  Also check with the court system.  In our state, when couples who have children are divorcing, the families are required to get counseling, and so I'm sure they have lists of counselors.  Your state might be similar.

Good luck and keep coming to this site for support!

Local hospitals that have

Local hospitals that have mental health services can also be a great resource. The ones in my neck of the woods were invaluable to a friend of mine who was thrown for a loop, and they were able to refer her to some low (and one NO) cost centers who would even do deferred billing. I know the idea of wracking up debt in this whole thing doesn't sound good at all, but it's your health here. Read that again - it's your health! You've got to take care of you. Hospitals, mental health centers, or even the ER if you're really in a tough spot. You are worth the care!!!