Approximately 2 or 3 weeks ago my mother, sister and I were talking in the living room about how nice it would be to have Thanksgiving dinner at mine and my (ADHD)partners new house. He was listening from the office, being antisocial of course, and confronted me about it after they left.
Every week thereafter he brought up some negative about the dinner, many near miss arguments... How he doesn't think we should serve meat (we're vegetarian--but not strict vegetarian) how he's upset my family's just coming in here forcing their meat eating on us because my mom was going to come here to prepare the turkey... And then, finally, 3 days before the event he says he feels like I never discussed this with him... Everyone made the "plan" without him and he wants his family to come over the same night.
The way it stood, there was already going to be 10 of us (too many)... with his family we'd have to make room for 5 more... and there isn't any room. Also, his mother and sister work on Saturdays... Our families have never met and I always thought we'd have a more intimate "just our parents and us" sort of night for that occasion.
The fight we had was out of control. For 5 hours he text messaged me at work... I left him out, they're forcing meat on him, he wants his parents, I never asked him if we could have the dinner... etc, etc. Obviously feeling disrespected and left out of the event but over reacting HUGE as there was nothing to get that upset about!
We had a big blow out by the time I got home because I kept giving him solutions to his sad feelings, but they weren't good enough and every ten minutes he came around to antagonize again. Whenever I would just remain silent to try to avoid the fight he would say "oh, see, you're not answering now because you know I'm right..." and I would feel compelled to correct him and join the fight again.
It ended up (4 hours later) with me screaming on the top of my lungs to LEAVE ME ALONE!!! And that I thought he was sick and needed help! Damaging words, I'm sure, but I'm not quite sure what the hell I'm suppose to do when things get like this. There's no helping him when he's in one of these "moods".
I already knew it was going to be "one of those days" as he woke up more miserable than usual and he was picking fights all morning.
I don't care if he has ADHD or not.... This is mental! I told him, through email, that he needed some serious help for his insecurities and EVERYTHING else related to his ADHD. If he didn't decide on getting some help I'm leaving!
I love him but this is just f'ing ridiculous! I'm not sure what he expects from a partner but I'm pretty sure I'm beyond burnt out trying to deal with his crap (or not deal with it)...
I'd like to also add that he didn't even know it was Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend, all he does is sit at his computer all day and night and if it was left up to him we'd do nothing, AND he doesn't talk to his parents because it makes him uncomfortable... so he only text messages or emails them (rarely). I was shocked he all of a sudden wanted them here for a Thanksgiving he all of a sudden gave two shits about!
Please help me.
Those kinds of fights are
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Those kinds of fights are exactly what I have grown so sick of that I have vowed to NEVER have another. Fortunately my husband is just as miserable after we go at it like that for HOURS so he's in the same boat with me...we're not doing it anymore, it doesn't work or solve anything, it only increases the hurtful things said and the resentment. It was so bad at one point, that it was almost impossible for me to remove myself from him. You have to find a way. Leave the house, turn off your cell, just whatever you have to do just tell him "we will talk about this later" and get out of his line of fire. I know that "mood" and I know that there really is no stopping them...and as long as you feel the need to defend yourself, it will never stop.
In the future, I would definitely include him in on the plans....and tell my parents "I'll talk to him about it and see if it is OK with him". I can somewhat relate, my husband invited his mother over one Mother's Day without even mentioning it to me...until last minute. This meant I had to get the house clean AND cook on Mother's Day. I felt extremely disrespected. It never happened again. He could not care less if I invite my family, he's very easy going in that aspect. But, the difference is...he has to do nothing to prepare usually, and I have to do everything to prepare..so I don't like him inviting anyone without letting me know.
Honestly, what I would do is I would sit down with him when things are calm and I would apologize for making the plans without consulting/discussing it with him first. Then I would let him invite his parents, even if it means everyone stands like sardines or you have to borrow some chairs from someone. It is all about compromise...we cannot have everything our way (your ideal scenario when your parents meet, you not feeling there is enough room for everyone) and he cannot have everything his way (no turkey). When you get through situations like this, and believe me I have had 100s of them myself, you can see where just a few simple changes in the way things were handled could possibly have avoided the entire fight.
Happy Thanksgiving! ((HUGS))
The "Dark Place"
Submitted by WhatNext on
When my husband goes "to the Dark Place," I call it...you know, that MOOD where he just LONGS to fight and the world is just DARK? When I can see that he's there, I just don't engage him on anything with any substance. I mentally/emotionally put on a suit of armor and go about my business. I don't take personally anything he says and I don't fight with him. He could say the most inscidiary thing on the planet and I ignore it. I basically just try and stay out of his way, don't ask him to do anything, etc. That way he won't have as much to apologize for later since I won't have given him much chance to be jerky. If we happen to get into something that gets heated, I just leave it and address it later when he's emerged from his cave. His reaction will usually be very different then, as long as I don't interrupt him in the middle of hyper-focusing on something. Hope that helps. It's not nice...I know. Sorry. You're not alone.
make jokes
Submitted by Marnee on
I too have dealt with my husband going to a dark place and there have been times I would say, ARe you trying to fight with me? And he would grin and say no. We would do this all morning until he would leave. Now this did not work every time or I would have all the answers in my marriage figured out. LOL But sometimes I make the air feel lighter by my reaction instead of giving in to the aggravation of him trying to push my buttons because he was having a bad start. Another thing I would say is do you need to go back to the bed and get up on the other side, with a grin on my face, and he would laugh with me. As I said it doesn't work all the time but from time to time if he hasn't already made me to angry.
Humor
Submitted by WhatNext on
I so agree, Marnee. Appropriately- placed humor can sometimes go a long way in snapping my husband out of a bad place. Alot of serious and ugly things can happen and that has to be dealt with, but very often too, the dailies can be tackled with humor. Sometimes my husband will have a day where he's just super whiney...he'll moan and complain about everything. Now and then I'll say, "Okay, I think you need to get on the floor and kick and scream and have a full blown tantrum till you're done. Go ahead, get on the floor!!" and he'll think that's kinda funny and see how immature and ridiculous he's being and that'll snap him out of it.
family
Submitted by Marnee on
This type of thing happens to me from time to time also. I do a lot of things with my parents or we go out with my parents quit a bit. It used to bother me that he didn't see his parents but once or twice a year and almost in the same month, The winter Holidays. For some reason it is only important to him to see family on the Holidays; I guess because it was tradition as a kid, I'm not real sure. I will add my parents live only 7 miles away and his are about an hour away. It wouldn't matter how far my parents were I would visit them. It seems my husband doesn't think about certain events until something is triggered in his head. My husband used to get upset with me for not talking to his parents, but he didn't talk to them or communicate on occasions either. He would say they are your family too and I agreed with him on one aspect but also let him know he needed to talk to them as well. Its just kind of different and I have tried to get him to go to his parents through the year but for some reason he it doesn't happen. I also notice he gets a nervous twitch in his head when we go some places and that includes visiting family. That is one of the reasons why I wish he would go get professional help to calm his anxiety that I clearly can see. It is hard trying to guess how he feels about things too because he doesn't open up. Well hope all goes well for you!!
Thanks for all the helpful
Submitted by ebb and flow on
Thanks for all the helpful comments!
As it turns out... this was the one big blow out we needed to get him to FINALLY agree to couples counseling with a therapist who specializes in ADD!!! :D
I'm so happy something soo great came from this terrible week!!!
And... just an update: My mom ended up having us for Thanksgiving instead. We had a great time and my partner came too. Though it wasn't at our new place, as I dreamt it would be, it was still a nice time with my loving family. And... he didn't even mention his parents or call them to wish them a happy Thanksgiving. LOL!
Oh, how I love the ADD brain *sarcasm*.... :/