My husband didn't find out that he was add/adhd until a year ago, at age 51. We've been married 24 years now, and the damage that has been done over the course of so many years is overwhelming. We are now trying to communicate in ways like you've suggested here. My husband is now on Concerta and is in therapy, we've just started couple's counseling, and I am getting my own therapist now. (we are in a new location)
I can see where my reactions to the adhd were and still are at times like so many other non- adders. But, I am getting upset by how my husband is interpreting his counselors suggestions about having me be so "seperate". We have lived for years as roomates, and I don't want this to continue. We have lived seperate lives and a great deal of that became a way of life for my husband.
I know I need my "own" things, which I've always had, but being physically disabled by a chronic pain disability now prevents me from working a full time job, and it limits me as to how much "seperate" I can be from the house, etc. As far as interaction, I wrongly reacted by grasping at any time or interaction I could get by becoming more involved with my husband's life, but that drove him further away, and I lost myself in the process.
Now, we know that we were both affecting the relationship, but my husband has broken away from the relationship so completely it doesn't look like we will be able to recover. He said he wanted me to give him a chance to prove he could be the husband he wanted to be, but his inability to even touch me or even approach talking about subjects that we need to is also becoming overwhelming.
Are there any suggestions you could give me for trying to begin a better relationship by the responses I have, etc?