Is there any hope?

Ok so this is my first entry. I so need to vent.  I'm a 24 year old woman and I always knew something was "wrong" with my husband of 4 years but I couldnt quite put my finger on it. He knew he had adhd and so did his mother but no one told me until i discovered it on my own. Now 4 years later I finallly know why he wont consistently keep a job, never remembers appointments or plans he's previously made, waits until everything becomes an emergency before he half way does anything about it, cant focus long enough to complete anything, and never takes initiative to help with anything like cleaning, spending time with our 2 children (boy 5, girl 2), fixing household problems, etc.

My husband would always blame his irritibility and anger issues on him having type 1 diabetes and his sugar being too high. This could be managed if he took care of himself properly. But because of the adhd, he cant focus and function properly so he winds up never checking his sugar and never watching what he is eating. He thinks all he needs to do is take his shot and nothing more. Adhd is the root to all of his problems. Its like a comorbidity(one or more mental illnesses stemming from one). He walks around angry at the world because of his failure and I'm so tired of being the punching bag. I try to suggest counseling and and maybe even medication, but he wont put any effort into trying. He doesnt want to believe that his disorder is why our marriage is failing and our lives are falling apart. Sometimes....well most of the time i just want to give up, walk away, and start my life over. But then i feel like i should try to help him so that our family can stay together, but if he wont put forth any effort to get better, what is there left for me to do? I can do all the research in the world but if he refuses to even glance in the direction of seriously getting help, there is no hope.  I'm all for couples staying together and working through the hard times, but when there is only one spouse doing all the work and pulling all of the weight, that's when i believe it's time to pull the plug. Am I supposed to just waste all of my youth crying, fighting, and struggling with him? Are my kids supposed to suffer the neglect and mistreatment because he is too irritated and grumpy to deal with them? I'm so tired. Literally. This stress has taken a tremendous toll on my health. And to top things offf, I'm pregnant with my third child and scared to death to do this alone. But it's killing me and now I'm suffering from depression.

 

There can be hope...

I am about 2 years post ADD diagnosis and I have accepted my condition, responding well to the Adderall, walking quite a bit for exercise and reading about ADD's affects on me and my family. The diagnosis came as a big surprise when I was 43 and it explained so much about how I acted and always perceived myself that I knew I wanted things to get better.

The big problem for many couples seems to be the ADDer who denies they have ADD or is unwilling to address it's affects and take steps to improve their situation. Many ADDer's are probably afraid that they will fail with it's treatment.

There are many people on this site that have helped me and I'm sure you will find a lot of insight here as well. Your understanding of ADD will be a key here, but your husband will have to own his ADD if any improvement is to occur, after all it is His condition. You are not alone in what you are going through and I suggest taking care of yourself first because you definitely have a lot on your plate. I hope things improve for you and your family.


 

YYZ

I fell really, really bad for you!

I am some 20 more years, and 5 more kids down the line, and honestly as of today if I had had at any point even today an easy way out , boy would I grab it fast. It's been years of miserable suffering, so so much loneliness. My husband only got diagnosed a couple of years ago. Till then I thought I was just plain crazy, and he worked hard convincing me that it was so. Working always from the head (i.e. never from the heart) with tough logical arguments (the guy's plain brilliant and in the circumstances I think its a problem not an asset!) This is not and will never be a marriage I would have agreed to. Today I am (as actually advised by Melissa in her book) in deep mourning over the shattered reality of my marriage. Divorce is honestly too hard and scary (and I so relate to your fear of being alone for the baby's coming, I almost, almost separated on the eve of my youngest's birth and I was terrified of being left alone and yet felt I could not tolerate another minute of his behavior, so he got scared, made some concrete changes which made it bearable for me at the time but obviously those changes did not last) Also I am SO tired of it all, I don't have the breadth of mind to appreciate his efforts and there are some. Boy do I wish I could roll back the years to when I first met him and say NO when he proposed.

Sorry for not being so encouraging, but I am in too much pain, all I can say is I really feel for you, because I've been there and without this 'site's' tools and help, continued thru hell for the following years. We JUST discovered Melissa's book and site, and honestly although I am skeptical over my ability after all these years to make changes fast enough to hold on, I would strongly advise you to at least give it a chance. Being alone with kids is no great improvement, and their dad remains in your life forever (I've seen it with too many friends) you can't just erase them from your life (wouldn't it be nice, though!)

Wishing you all the best and at the very least a healthy and easy pregnancy!