My bf of 10 years has ADHD, diagnosed as a child. However, as an adult refuses to seek medical advice and treat his ADHD. We lived the honeymoon phase, believe it or not for 6 years. And when we were forced to endure a series of catastrophic events, one which was my father's sudden passing, the honeymoon ended quite suddenly without us even realizing what had happened. We are now stuck in a parent/child like relationship, so much so he sleeps on the couch.
He will not seek medical advice and seek medication and has the worst angry out bursts over the most random ideas of what HE hears me say. I really miss the guy I fell in love with, and I desperately want our lives back.
I am a very independent woman, and until recently could handle the physical and mental responsibility of running the house, as long as he "got up and went to work every day". One of those events mentioned earlier was exacerbated by him. Which has left me unable to continue to be employed in my chosen career of 25 yrs, and unable to walk with out assistance now. He has either chosen to ignore his part, or avoids accepting what part he played in me now needing him physically to carry any weight I literally used to so whenever I ask him nicely to please, take out the garbage, or to put the roaster down in that cupboard, or to sweep the floor, it is WWIII. I can't even ask him to please come cuddle with me in bed because i don't feel good without resistance. And being made to feel like I am a huge burden and what I ask of him is such an inconvenience.
Any opportunity to discuss how really unhappy I am about certain things, we need to work on or fix, or change the situation in general results in more hurtful things yelled and never apologized for, more time in silence and loneliness. And I feel 3 more steps back. I am more than open to creating charts, or making adjustments to help him to not forget so many things I have asked of him, and he won't have any of that. He can't or won't see how much he DOES forget, either what he said, what he was going to do. I know that if he took some kind of meds he would be better able to "take charge of his life" and better equipped to start taking charge around here. He won't even decide what to order for pizza for me! It's been 10 yrs, and he doesn't even know what my fave flavor of chips are! I don't know when he last walked into a grocery store. I need to be able to rely on him more, and I don't know how to get him to realize that if he doesn't step up, he will have to step out, and all he has to do is make that choice. I have no doubt that if I could secretly drug him and point out in a few months the difference it makes in our lives I would. Then he could finally admit his ADHD symptoms are ruining our lives now.
I hate the things he says, his lazy selfish attitude towards me, and where we are headed if he doesn't seek help soon.
WHAT CAN I DO!?!?!
Drag him there kicking and screaming!? Been there, embarrassing beyond belief, and lucky nobody was arrested. Police attendance due to our fighting is to be expected at least once a yr. But it's happening more often in public, and I can't hang my head in shame much longer.
DESPERATE TO FEEL LOVED AGAIN
When the chips are down
Submitted by adhd32 on
They check out. I have no advice to offer, I just want to let you know that I understand your frustrations and disappointment in choosing a partner who chose himself when life got tough. My heart broke when I was in a similar situation because in addition to dealing with unbelievable things, I had to deal with his abusive attitude. I knew I was I was alone when I needed H most. I could not even look at him, I just lost all respect for him. I am sorry you are going through this.
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Like adhd32, I wish I could offer some advice. I have spent years trying to get my husband to see the ADHD symptoms themselves, let alone get him to see the impact they have on our family. Whether he truly can't see it or won't see it, I have not been able to get him there. It's a pretty common statement that ADHD doesn't destroy relationships, denial does. I just wanted to say that I understand how you are feeling and am sorry you are where you are.
I feel for you
Submitted by Heart's Desire on
Cherelle - I am so sorry you are living through this and that you are alone, essentially, right now, while still being in a relationship. I can only echo the advice of those already - there's not much you can do when he denies/won't seek treatment. That is his choice. You will get to the point where you realise your only options are, as Melissa has put it, when denial is there:
1) put up with the status quo and accept that this is the way things are
2) fight back/push for change, which may not happen, and will likely lead to misery and fighting like it seems you're cycling through
It's pretty black and white.
I can say that I too have gone through the cycles of "this is add, we can do better!"; wanting to learn and help; wanting him to take meds because when he takes them it's night and day and is his kind and thoughtful; taking on all the responsibility; realising this is the way it's going to be and to just let him be; realising that he really doesn't want to change; and then finally realising that my only way out is separation and divorce, if I want a different kind of life than the one we're in. The only thing you have control over is yourself. You have no control over him (and nor should you). So, let it go. Let it be. Let HIM be. And take steps to look after yourself. Eventually, eventually, the tears and heartache will fade, and one day you will be in a deserving and mutual partnership.
Submitted by c ur self on
Your post (sorry to say) is a common one, when it comes to behaviors...(lazy, forgetting, anger outbursts, thoughtless or unconcerned about a spouse's work load or physical condition..basically just irresponsible and non accountable) And sadly medication want change most of it...( it can help w/ focus) But, it want change his value's or his choices....That's why so many intelligent adhd minded people refuse medication....They like who they are, and will always justify their behaviors, just like you and I do our own....
The push for medication is something the suffering spouse pushes for....It helps us to stay in the chaos....It's our excuse for them...We have to have something to blame for their actions or we would leave them...But he knows, like so many of us, that he is choosing his paths in life....He's a man, just like all men, when we don't like who we are, we go to work to change it....Even if the first place we start is on our knees...
I suggest you accept him just like he is....Then you can be at peace...Then you will know what path you need to take....Your pain and confusion will subside, once you accept you have no power to change another human....He likes who he is!....Please don't let his living of life, destroy your ability to love who you are (like I did for so many years)....Based on your post, you are giving him the power to do that....
Submitted by ASP on
Sorry for what you're going through. I really sympathize. This is my first post but just by reading your story and those of others I can totally see myself and my situation. Like many others with ADHD partners, I feel alone and isolated. My husband is not in denial of his diagnosis but rather refuses to deal with it. ADHD: a real gift to be able to just consistently ignore issues!! He promises to see a coach, to take meds...etc but as you know, ADHD means good intentions are just that - intentions. They don't typically follow through. And others around me don't get it either. They act sympathetic but there's no true understanding. It's very frustrating and isolating. Then this leads to anger (why should I be the only one working on this marriage?) and then guilt. I should be more understanding and accepting.... but when your husband isn't present during a time of crisis (and then the next one... and the next one), it's difficult to get past it. I'm told by my coach that "he doesn't know how to be there for you" although I've told him time and time again HOW I need him. Again, good intentions but no follow through. What am I to do? I've been living with him for 22 years and he was been diagnosed 6 years ago (only after my son was diagnosed). I've reached a point in my life where I am now "accepting" his diagnosis and that I can't change him but rather can change myself. It's not easy. It's a daily struggle. But one thing I know is that I need to move on and focus on my life and re-build my confidence. I'm hoping coaching, getting a job and taking anti-depressants will eventually help. I hope you're able to find happiness as well.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
...that Non's need to go on anti anxiety/depressant meds in order to deal with the effects of their spouse's untreated/under treated ADHD...
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I did this, too. That was a tipping point for me. Medicating MYself to deal with a problem that starts with him? It was a real "what are you thinking?" moment for me.
I'm sorry you are here...
Submitted by prairierose on
If you do not have to consider children...Leave. It is literally the most empowering thing you can do.
Choose you and leave.
If he chooses to get help and work on every single thing you need to see improvement on, then and only then should you think about trying.
It will only get worse the more you expect and the less he can deliver.
Most of us could write your experience verbatim.