Just realized that there are no happy memories in our marriage to look back on. At least not for me. He left me to handle an impossible load all on my own with our family. And I do mean impossible. I have health issues of my own that have affected me significantly. Both of our kids were diagnosed with PANDAS, a form of Autoimmune Encephalitis. One is on the Autism Spectrum. This means sick children with major behavior issues. I have always had to work, manage all their care, the bulk of the house, medical issues, the school and SPED paperwork/meetings, etc. For years he came and went as he pleased, worked full time and barely managed to pay the bills. He was constantly gone with activities, friends, masonic Lodge events and meetings/fundraisers. It seemed anything he could do to avoid going home, he did. I had no support, literally. From time to time his parents would watch the kids when they had a day off school and I was working. That's it! with my health issues and the kids' issues it has been impossible making and keeping friendships, so no support there either. My oldest has constantly been denied government services, despite being pretty ill most of his life (he is spectrum kid). Most of my life has been working all day, no vacations for years (saving all my PTO for kids needs- doctor's appts, sick days and school days off, etc.). I never get a break, to be honest. For years now I have worked all day, came home and took care of the kids. A few years back my health started to decline because between a high pressure job and two kids with severe behaviors- self injury, rages, property destruction, ODD behaviors, anxiety, depression, I never got a moment to rest or relax. Found out two years ago I have neurological damage and chronic infections- autoimmunity that has gotten pretty bad. He was literally gone 4-6 days a week, nights too, with work and various activities, even though he knew how bad things were. A discussion with my spouse made me realize all he remembers from this time period were the fun times he went through, while I was enduring a never ending hell. The fun times for me? There were none. All I remember are the good moments with my kids, things we did together. There was nothing good with my husband, just a memory of him either being home and miserable- snapping impatiently at everyone or ignoring us or being rude to me, or him being gone all the time. How do you stay in a relationship like that? I realize now I was enabling him for so many years. But even when I stood up to him, when I argued, asked and pleaded with him to help out more or be home more he refused. Saying he needed all these activities as his own form of therapy. When I mentioned this morning to him I haven't had a vacation in years and he has, he goes "I make time for it myself and you don't." How can I, when i have to work and all my PTO goes to taking care of his kids? I cannot quit my job as it looks like one child will need costly medical treatments due to declining health he has. No matter what, I will continue to take care of my children. It's just sad there is no connection or good memories left.
There are no happy memories to reflect on in our marriage.
Submitted by tiredmomma1 on 04/04/2017.
My heart breaks for you.....
Submitted by c ur self on
When I read stuff like this...I have to calm myself down to even reply....The reality is, based on this post, you have a life mate with a self-absorbed mind, who can't or refuses to see or have any emotional connection to the situation's of his own wife and children....His responsibilities!!!
Please make the changes you need to make to care for yourself, and do not put your faith in unfounded places that are empty....
("I make time for it myself and you don't.")
What kind of statement is that?? I will tell you, it's a statement that show's you who and what is important to him....And that is HIM!
Start setting your boundaries based on this reality and then you want be disappointed...You will stop placing expectations for him to ever put his self out for you and the kids...
I will pray for you...tiredmomma1
C
You couldn't have said it better.
Submitted by tiredmomma1 on
You hit the nail on the head with what you said. I have to watch out for myself and the kids, first off. I need to stop expecting something that will never happen. He clearly does not have the capacity for empathy, so I need to keep moving forward with my life accordingly.
This is so sad
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I am sending you a virtual hug.
It is not too late to do something for yourself, however, to bring yourself joy. It never is. I learned this lesson from my aunt, who had MS. For a variety of reasons, she told us it was one of the happiest times of her life.
You have many people relying on you, but you also do have free will. You have chosen to be the person who is the family caretaker, but what happens if you say 'no?' Your husband isn't dead, he's just better at saying "I need a break!' than you are. I don't mean that disparagingly. I mean that as in 'you deserve a break...so take it! Unapologetically.' Don't ask your husband if he will stay with the kids so you can take an afternoon doing something. Tell him he is doing so. It's your turn. It's your life, too. Yes, you have been dealt a particularly difficult set of life experiences...but its not too late to bring some joy into your life. "No" can be a powerful tool, if wielded correctly.
Thank you for the advice.
Submitted by tiredmomma1 on
I am so grateful for your response and ideas. Going to try this! Yesterday evening he was gone yet once again for another fraternity meeting. Instead of moping about it I took the kids out to a jump place and we all had a great time. It was a battle to get them to sleep, but worth it seeing the sheer joy on their faces from all the fun they had. My husband wanted the family to meet beforehand for dinner, but my oldest son has had major stomach issues often after eating out, so I elected out of that to avoid another disaster.
I plan to take some time for myself tonight and at least a few times a week. I don't know if we will last, to be honest. We seem to be on two different wavelengths, my spouse and I. I called him two days ago frustrated about medical things with our son and he turns the conversation into a whole "poor me, I am struggling at work" thing. Which is exactly what his mother tends to do. I once confronted her about her complete attitude with occassionally helping out with watching my son, who was going through a tough time with his condition and got kicked out of summer camp (I had to work and had no time off and asked her to watch him for a few days till I found somewhere else). She starts weeping about all her problems, her medical conditions, etc, etc. I honestly tried to sympathize with her, but it's this same whining I get every time I see her and she won't find a better doctor to help her. Uh, what about my son and the problem we have here? Can you just adjust your attitude and help out as family for a few days? I understand you have arthritis but he struggles every day. He just sits there and plays video games anyways.. Complete narcissim at it's best..
You deserve the time for
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You deserve the time for yourself. You go, girl! Do some things you enjoy (and the kids) and don't do them when YOU feel like it. You are in charge here.
The stomach issues - perhaps undiagnosed Celiac? Or allergies? I suspect you are all over it, but that sounds as if it's probably preventable if you can figure out the triggers.
re: you deserve the time for.
Submitted by tiredmomma1 on
We suspect it is a recent Mycoplasma pneumonia infection he has that is at play here. He was having massive coughing to the point of vomiting, but start throwing up at other times, including after eating out. It could be Celiac or allergies. Thanks for the reminder and i am going to look into that. He takes probiotics daily. He was being sent home twice a week for throwing up at school, but doctor called in some Zofran for him which he takes in the mornings, and so far, so good.