Just realized that there are no happy memories in our marriage to look back on. At least not for me. He left me to handle an impossible load all on my own with our family. And I do mean impossible. I have health issues of my own that have affected me significantly. Both of our kids were diagnosed with PANDAS, a form of Autoimmune Encephalitis. One is on the Autism Spectrum. This means sick children with major behavior issues. I have always had to work, manage all their care, the bulk of the house, medical issues, the school and SPED paperwork/meetings, etc. For years he came and went as he pleased, worked full time and barely managed to pay the bills. He was constantly gone with activities, friends, masonic Lodge events and meetings/fundraisers. It seemed anything he could do to avoid going home, he did. I had no support, literally. From time to time his parents would watch the kids when they had a day off school and I was working. That's it! with my health issues and the kids' issues it has been impossible making and keeping friendships, so no support there either. My oldest has constantly been denied government services, despite being pretty ill most of his life (he is spectrum kid). Most of my life has been working all day, no vacations for years (saving all my PTO for kids needs- doctor's appts, sick days and school days off, etc.). I never get a break, to be honest. For years now I have worked all day, came home and took care of the kids. A few years back my health started to decline because between a high pressure job and two kids with severe behaviors- self injury, rages, property destruction, ODD behaviors, anxiety, depression, I never got a moment to rest or relax. Found out two years ago I have neurological damage and chronic infections- autoimmunity that has gotten pretty bad. He was literally gone 4-6 days a week, nights too, with work and various activities, even though he knew how bad things were. A discussion with my spouse made me realize all he remembers from this time period were the fun times he went through, while I was enduring a never ending hell. The fun times for me? There were none. All I remember are the good moments with my kids, things we did together. There was nothing good with my husband, just a memory of him either being home and miserable- snapping impatiently at everyone or ignoring us or being rude to me, or him being gone all the time. How do you stay in a relationship like that? I realize now I was enabling him for so many years. But even when I stood up to him, when I argued, asked and pleaded with him to help out more or be home more he refused. Saying he needed all these activities as his own form of therapy. When I mentioned this morning to him I haven't had a vacation in years and he has, he goes "I make time for it myself and you don't." How can I, when i have to work and all my PTO goes to taking care of his kids? I cannot quit my job as it looks like one child will need costly medical treatments due to declining health he has. No matter what, I will continue to take care of my children. It's just sad there is no connection or good memories left.