I am going to really brush over most of the details because, quite frankly, they have been repeated a million times on this forum from what i have read. I am the male adhd spouse in a 27 year relationship with 2 great kids. Our relationship took a real nose dive about 4 years ago as i sunk into a depression that i did not see or understand. I detached from my wife and my kids a lot. I didn't know that i was having difficulty dealing with adhd. I knew i had it when i was a child but never understood what it really was, besides the major hyperactivity i had growing up. That passed in my late teens/early twenties so i really thought i had simply "outgrown" it. LOL!!! Anyways,our relationship spiraled out of control until we finally started marriage counseling a little over a year ago. At the same time i started individual counseling. I'm on meds and they help a lot with many things but they don't fix anything-not that they should-i get that. Due to the stresses of having to deal with all my baggage, my wife suffers from and is dealing with depression. Our problems are the same as all the others on the forum-every single one of them-chores, attention, anger, communication, lies, manipulation, deflection, etc etc etc. I love my wife. I really do. It kills me to see her unhappy and she's been drinking heavily to top it all off lately. I try to get better, i do, then i backslide or something sets me off yada yada. So after a 6 week period in which she's really hurting, kicks me out, drinks to excess a number of times and we fight numerous times with me trying to deescalate them knowing i have breaking points, she sits down and asks me what we do. I said we need to separate. This makes it worse again lol (she's stated we are getting separated or divorced no less than 4 times in this 6 week period). We've made up so many times, and things have and did get better but it's not like they were like our courtship-which she craves and i know is something i'll never be able to give her or anyone else again-it was classic adhd infatuation (we were teens at the time). I guess i'm looking for both adhd spouses and non adhd spouses to comment on why it is ok to let go. To move on. I really want her to be happy. She's been my best friend, my only love and an exceptional mother and this is killing her. It's killing me as well. I was once the life of the party, always happy, super outgoing and i've lost that. I've told her and my therapist-i feel weary-stretched too thin. I have no desire for another relationship, just time to heal and find my way. Time to focus on being a great dad (that is thankfully getting a lot better over the last year). We're caught in a vicious circle that is tightening and i need it to stop before it reaches centre. She tells me everything is my fault-i do not believe nor accept this but i'll take 80% of the blame. She tells me i alone can fix it-again i do not believe this and every time we've made REAL progress, it's been her willing to meet me part of the way that has facilitated that change. I think we're just too broken to fix anymore. Did you divorce? Are you happier?(either of you). Did you find any peace? In particular, adhd spouses-was the alone time beneficial to dealing with adhd?
There does come a time to divorce, right?
Submitted by wwjdidk on 04/23/2018.
A Suggestion from out of Left Field
Submitted by phatmama on
Your post is so full of sadness, it oozes off the page, and I am sorry for the many losses you and your family have sustained over the course of the years. ADHD takes no prisoners and often leaves no one left standing. It isn't for the faint of heart. Having said that, after 27 years--what do you hope to gain by divorce? You don't want another relationship (I don't blame you! I always said that if I ever leave, Hell would freeze over before I would ever date or marry again. Once bitten, twice shy....) and your wife and you have a long history of love and reconciliation. I see that as two strong positives. This may sound totally crazy, but before severing a 27 year tie completely, would it help you both to try living separately without breaking the bond? I have actually asked my husband this: can we just live separately and stay married? (he said "Hell, no"). Many times, ADHD is a terrible roommate for all the reasons you described above and cohabiting with someone with ADHD is a chaotic, soul-sucking exercise in repeated failures and frustration. I have always thought that I would get along fabulously with DH again if we didn't have to live under the same roof, as we are still in love, but not so much in like anymore after all the fighting. This sounds very reasonable to me, but everyone I have ever mentioned it to thinks it sounds weird, so I don't know. To me, divorce after over two decades is by far the more extreme option. Since I haven't left, and never will most likely, I can't answer whether it is preferable to staying, but a relationship that has lasted that long might be worth thinking outside the box for.
When I suggested we separate
Submitted by wwjdidk on
When I suggested we separate it was just that-separation. Time to heal. Time for both of us to find our way. I figured that some time and distance would either let us heal and reconcile or confirm our need to divorce. For me, it wasn’t predetermined. My wife will not agree to something like this. She says she won’t put our children through it “twice” which I disagree with. Regardless of outcome, separation precedes divorce and there wouldn’t be a twice if both decided the divorce was the best course. Or both decided reconciliation was. Anyways, moot point as she now seems quite angry and ready to divorce lol. I suppose I’ll try and talk to her soon as we haven’t spoke anything beyond pleasantries or kids business for about a week now.
wwjdidk....
Submitted by c ur self on
Some times we just love what will never convert to a responsible loving Spouse and Father...."The life of the party" is usually the last thing a Wife and Child needs in a Father (or Mother)...Usually when I get in a hard place, like you seem to be in, I have learned to ask my self those hard questions ....Questions I don't want to answer...It's not about blame %, it's about what level of commitment (Time, Attention, & Care) we are willing to give to our Spouse and Children on a daily bases...
Most of us can make a list of the things we either do wrong and justify, are addicted to, that has put us into conflict with our spouse regularly.....But most us will never allow ourselves that level of transparency...Most of us just Justify it, (or, are blind and in denial of it) because we aren't willing to give it up, or make changes to have a healthy marriage relationship....
Yep...Just ask yourself those touch questions about YOUR responsibilities.....Never answer yourself to quickly....And see if you have the capacity for real love and Commitment, the type that goes beyond what you hunger for on an Independent level for yourself....The fruit of our lives is screaming what is important to us anyway...No sense in not just admitting it going in...That way we don't have to find someone to blame, we can just peacefully walk away and say I'm sorry, but I'm not willing to pay the price...
c
Thanks C-your post really
Submitted by wwjdidk on
Thanks C-your post really hits home and i have to confess-it's 100% accurate. I could have and should be doing more for them and less for myself. I think it's far too late for my wife but certainly not the kids so for that i'm grateful. Thanks for the insight
Bless you friend...
Submitted by c ur self on
I pray the best for you and the family...
I have thought about your
Submitted by barneyarff on
I have thought about your post the last 24 hours. The pain is very evident. ADD is a slippery little bug that hurts many. I'm sorry that it has come to this. Your story is so familiar to me that it just really hurt to read it. I hope both of you find peace.