Hi, first of all, I'm so happy to have found this forum. Your stories and advice come very handy to address my personal situation. I've been in a relationship with my partner who i believe has adhd. He very often gets upset about trivial things, starts to blame and bash about me, and keeps on pushing my buttons until i explode. Fights used to escalate with me screaming at him, with a period where i slapped him out of frustration. Luckily i stopped doing that but started to slap myself because he made me feel so shitty about myself. We tried code words, me walking away (but then he chases me), me trying to reason with him (but he just needs that explosion). Nowadays, i just stay quiet, i take whatever he throws at me and just hope the situation does not get worse. It goes without saying that my self esteem is being imoacted by the constant bashing. We have faced huge changes in our family situation recentand this brought up a wave of harshness i had never experienced before. It took me some time to find a rational explanation for his behavior other than he is a bad guy. I tried to convince him to get an adhd diagnosis but he refuses to do so. Right now we are debating whether we should go to relationship therapy (preferably with someone who has experience with adhd), but before we give it another go, I'd like to have your opinion: suppose my partner would face his responsibility and get an adhd diagnosis, suppose he tests positive, is there any chance he will get his emotional outbursts under control? I heard in a podcast that only pills can solve these outbursts, that cognitive behavioural therapy is not enough. Is that true? And are pills really able to solve the outbursts? I'd also love to hear some positive relationship stories with adhd-ers if there are any. With the big changes and the constant bashing, i feel completely drained. Of course, this post only talks about emotional outbursts, the issue of hyperfocus is another change in our relationship. I feel so utterly hopeless. Thanks in advance for your advice.
Is there hope? (Does medication help with emotional regulation)
Submitted by sunshi on 03/08/2020.
Toxic relationships....
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm sorry that you are experiencing such abuse....Your questions can't be answered knowledgeably due to many factors....1) Not everyone that exhibits out of control emotions (angry spirits) has add/adhd....Anger surfaces because of many reasons....A selfish person not getting their way is one....A controlling person being told no is another....A lazy person being asked or forced to be active and responsible is another...And on and on.....
But assuming it is add/adhd that is behind his emotional outbursts, there are some common signs when this occurs...My experience w/ add outbursts is it happens like lightning, and the behavior usually never matches the reasoning....With add many times the original outburst may not be one of anger...It may be one that is just loud and intrusive...(thoughtlessly disrespectful)...Things that in the moment can catch a spouse or friend off guard....But if you point it out or question it, it will usually always escalate w/ an add mind...(They will justify it, and think they have done nothing wrong, can't see themselves) .Many adders are notorious for justifying, or down playing their behavior....They tend to have little awareness of it, and will act like nothing is wrong shortly after....Many show little remorse, and few apologies follow their disrespectful behaviors....
Many times an abused and disrespected spouse or boy/girl friend hopes for ADD/ADHD to be a reason....It give us hope that something can be done...But be careful of that....My wife's meds (adderall) allows her to focus better (helps w/ distraction), It gives her added energy (speeds her up)...But little else....It doesn't change negative thinking, or intrusive personality traits....And most importantly, it can't give them a new heart....
Here are a few things for you to consider as it relates to the when's and why's of my wife's outbursts (I'm sure these vary w/ each Individual)....Number 1) It's always much worse w/ the spouse/partner, than w/ others...2) Riding as a car passenger...Out of no where they might shout highly charged driving instructions.....3) They might have outbursts as it relates to their perceived needs.....4) Many adders do not follow in conversation well, and will have angry outbursts or interrupt thoughtlessly, this seems to be worse with subjects that they don't find interesting or self-entertaining...Like marital responsibilities....
Some other add characteristics my wife deals with is things like...1) Time management....late and rushing....2) Many have no concept of order or organization (they are messy and hoarders) 3) Forgetful 4) Hygiene (bathing and tooth brushing) 5) easily addicted to things that have an entertainment value...6) High distracted 7) Thrill seeking, which leads to manipulation and control attempts and the pressing of others to do these things with her....Many adder's are good friends and good with children as it relates to entertainment and fun seeking....Not so much when it comes to the focus and patients it takes for care giving and responsibilities....Many adders will seem (be) highly selfish to the neurotypical mind, because they lack the ability to see the big picture of life....They live in a tunnel vision state of mind...So hyper focus will always win out....
Life overwhelms many Adders, they work much harder than the average person to do what many of us do quiet thoughtlessly....Fix a meal....Get ready for work...Go to sleep....Wake up.....remember their spouse has needs....they become easily dependent....they can sleep for 2 days...They easily binge on things...Drugs.....Alcohol....TV and electronic devices......Food....Travel....Sex....entertainment....
There are certain dynamics that non's and adder's (in relationship together) find that they are predisposed to, especially when a non tries to discuss/communicate behaviors that are intrusive, abusive or just unacceptable ....Fight or Flight....act-react....denial and blame.....Defecting (I don't like your tone, I don't like your facial features, etc,) anything to avoid the subject matter.....
The most deadly to a relationship is always denial....The refusal to accept ownership of their actions.....
I hope this is somewhat informative......
c
Thanks!
Submitted by sunshi on
Thanks C, very informative! My partner is indeed showing other adhd traits, which led me to believe the emotional outbursts could come from adhd. Your personal experience with your partner and the effect of her medication are a great insight for me.
Read Melissa's description of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/what-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-...
Some of the emotional aspects seen with ADHD can be part of a potentially comorbid condition called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. This can be treated with medication but, as with everything related to ADHD, 'your results may vary'.