I just replied to someone else's post and thought I should share my story here in the Joy in Marriages ADHD section. My wife and I have been married for 20 years, together for more. Her ADHD and symptoms did not really get heavy until after childbirth around 15 years ago. She was diagnosed around 10 years ago.
We have 2 girls and both also have been diagnosed with ADHD. Needless to say my life has been impacted by ADHD. So have their lives. It's this simple observation that has been the baseline of our successful relationship.
Along with this general realization that both partners are negatively impacted by ADHD, in my case I have found certain mission critical things to focus on that break down relationship management into bite sized chunks.
It is easy to take on the role of the victim and surround yourself with so many little negative things. Try not to do that. If you find yourself slipping into that victim role, recognize it, and stop.
Educate yourself and promote education with your ADHD spouse as well. We chose to both read Melissa's ADHD & Marriage book as well as virtually attend her couples seminars. I did not experience too much reluctance on her part to embark on this educational journey, and perhaps that was because I was not reluctant. However if one partner is not willing to take this first step then I would say stop, clarify your desire to self improve along with them, and hopefully that will get you over this initial hump.
Empathy is powerful, and while unfortunately it is one of those critical characteristics that is usually absent from a racing ADHD mind, as the non-ADHD partner I can say it is critical to have empathy. Sometimes my empathetic advances are rewarded with empathy in return, but most of the time it is a one-way street. If you can't handle that, but truly want your relationship top work, you are going to have to accept it. Setting realistic expectations and seeing all the other positive characteristics in your ADHD partner helps with this.
Anger management is something I have personally always had issues with, and it is exacerbated by ADHD symptoms. However once my wife learned how to recognize those symptoms and act on them more appropriately, I was able to more easily work and mitigate my anger. Nothing good ever comes out of an angry conversation. You can be "angry" without yelling or throwing out low blows. Use a calm voice, don't use words like always, never, impossible, etc, and really try and calmly explain why you feel angry.
Take care of yourself first. Sound selfish? I thought so for many years, but if you are not good with you then how can you be good for someone else (a therapist taught me that simple fact).
Don't run away, but do give yourself space. I have had many moments where I wanted to run away, and I have told her this thinking it would make it all stop. That is a mistake. If you think distance is the only solution, and sometimes it is, clarify that by perhaps prefacing with "I love you, but I am so frustrated, I need some time to calm down and gather my thoughts, I am going to ___________." Fill in the blank with whatever experience you can have that focuses on you, not your spouse, and make that clear, that you are taking some ME time.
Throughout all the turmoil and melt downs there comes a renewed strength, and in our case, an elevated sense of not only love for each other, but self love as well. She is comfortable in her own skin, so am I.
It ain't always butterflies and roses but that is the case in any relationship. If you truly want to make it work then you absolutely have to dig in and commit...through thick and thin. Like my late PE coach always said...practice, practice, practice (thanks Mr. Marks!).
this is actually very
Submitted by carolineamazed on
this is actually very beeautiful
Well said...
Submitted by FeelingNeglected on
I agree with everything you said and (as the non-ADHD hubby also) I have tried to gently persuade my wife to look into how to better manage her ADHD symptoms but she is much more content to blame me for all of our martial woes. We are in couples therapy and I will continue to hint at what I see is the root of the problem but as the saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you can't make 'em drink...
Thanks guys! We went to
Submitted by Non-ADHD-Hubby on
Thanks guys! We went to individual therapy as well as couples therapy, both with ADHD specialists.
The individual therapy was helpful as we could express our concerns without that feeling of having to tip-toe around each other's feelings or being super reactionary at each others remarks (as would be the case in our arguments in the earlier years). It was also easier to express our feelings in a calm and comfortable space.
The couples therapy was harder than we anticipated as things would bubble to the surface that had flown under the radar outside the therapy, things that were hard to hear and digest. However having the specialist their to facilitate the communication process was very beneficial. Sometimes we would leave our session very hurt, but as I explained prior, it was probably those moments, after having gotten through them, that contributed to solidifying our relationship.
I also forgot to mention that my two daughters have been a big source of inspiration. I anticipate them having to come to terms with certain things on their ADHD journey just as their mother has. They are always in the back of my mind which is helpful when I am weak. I hope they know that happiness is not dependent on whether or not you have ADHD, and that it is OK to be confused, unhappy, or hopeless, and that how you choose to deal with the adversity leading to these feelings is what counts.
Ditto
Submitted by JMichael on
Thank you for this post. As the non-ADHD spouse, it is my goal to one day provide a report of encouragement like this.
Thanks
Submitted by Hopeful135 on
Thanks it's so good to hear positivity and how you managed going forward
The momentum is not always forward..
Submitted by Non-ADHD-Hubby on
The momentum is not always forward, can be 2 steps ahead...then one back....then one ahead...etc.
For example we recently suffered a communication breakdown resulting in a pretty emotional blowout. After some time and un-biased reflection it seemed like an issue with her sensitivity to rejection/ridicule (RSD), coupled with some other ongoing things she was coping with, that led to it. I was also at fault as it caught me off guard and I did not effectively engage in the situation.
Scenario was: we had successfully communicated on something (2 steps forward), communication broke down (1 step back), then reflected back on the issue realizing it could have been managed better (1 step forward).
There is still some residual frustration, and if I am being honest I am anticipating it happening again and anxious about that. But over the past decade I have come to terms with the fact that while it might seem like it's at a snails pace overall forward momentum and improvement has been made. I imagine she feels the same way with regards to managing her symptoms, can be slow and daunting, but she knows the eventual outcome will be good.
In that regard I find taking that step back for a wider perspective is helpful. This is tough for her with hyperfocusing and feelings of shame getting in the way, and might always be tough, and I sympathize with that and keep in mind during turbulent times.