I just replied to someone else's post and thought I should share my story here in the Joy in Marriages ADHD section. My wife and I have been married for 20 years, together for more. Her ADHD and symptoms did not really get heavy until after childbirth around 15 years ago. She was diagnosed around 10 years ago.
We have 2 girls and both also have been diagnosed with ADHD. Needless to say my life has been impacted by ADHD. So have their lives. It's this simple observation that has been the baseline of our successful relationship.
Along with this general realization that both partners are negatively impacted by ADHD, in my case I have found certain mission critical things to focus on that break down relationship management into bite sized chunks.
It is easy to take on the role of the victim and surround yourself with so many little negative things. Try not to do that. If you find yourself slipping into that victim role, recognize it, and stop.
Educate yourself and promote education with your ADHD spouse as well. We chose to both read Melissa's ADHD & Marriage book as well as virtually attend her couples seminars. I did not experience too much reluctance on her part to embark on this educational journey, and perhaps that was because I was not reluctant. However if one partner is not willing to take this first step then I would say stop, clarify your desire to self improve along with them, and hopefully that will get you over this initial hump.
Empathy is powerful, and while unfortunately it is one of those critical characteristics that is usually absent from a racing ADHD mind, as the non-ADHD partner I can say it is critical to have empathy. Sometimes my empathetic advances are rewarded with empathy in return, but most of the time it is a one-way street. If you can't handle that, but truly want your relationship top work, you are going to have to accept it. Setting realistic expectations and seeing all the other positive characteristics in your ADHD partner helps with this.
Anger management is something I have personally always had issues with, and it is exacerbated by ADHD symptoms. However once my wife learned how to recognize those symptoms and act on them more appropriately, I was able to more easily work and mitigate my anger. Nothing good ever comes out of an angry conversation. You can be "angry" without yelling or throwing out low blows. Use a calm voice, don't use words like always, never, impossible, etc, and really try and calmly explain why you feel angry.
Take care of yourself first. Sound selfish? I thought so for many years, but if you are not good with you then how can you be good for someone else (a therapist taught me that simple fact).
Don't run away, but do give yourself space. I have had many moments where I wanted to run away, and I have told her this thinking it would make it all stop. That is a mistake. If you think distance is the only solution, and sometimes it is, clarify that by perhaps prefacing with "I love you, but I am so frustrated, I need some time to calm down and gather my thoughts, I am going to ___________." Fill in the blank with whatever experience you can have that focuses on you, not your spouse, and make that clear, that you are taking some ME time.
Throughout all the turmoil and melt downs there comes a renewed strength, and in our case, an elevated sense of not only love for each other, but self love as well. She is comfortable in her own skin, so am I.
It ain't always butterflies and roses but that is the case in any relationship. If you truly want to make it work then you absolutely have to dig in and commit...through thick and thin. Like my late PE coach always said...practice, practice, practice (thanks Mr. Marks!).
Comments
this is actually very
this is actually very beeautiful
Well said...
I agree with everything you said and (as the non-ADHD hubby also) I have tried to gently persuade my wife to look into how to better manage her ADHD symptoms but she is much more content to blame me for all of our martial woes. We are in couples therapy and I will continue to hint at what I see is the root of the problem but as the saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you can't make 'em drink...
Thanks guys! We went to
Thanks guys! We went to individual therapy as well as couples therapy, both with ADHD specialists.
The individual therapy was helpful as we could express our concerns without that feeling of having to tip-toe around each other's feelings or being super reactionary at each others remarks (as would be the case in our arguments in the earlier years). It was also easier to express our feelings in a calm and comfortable space.
The couples therapy was harder than we anticipated as things would bubble to the surface that had flown under the radar outside the therapy, things that were hard to hear and digest. However having the specialist their to facilitate the communication process was very beneficial. Sometimes we would leave our session very hurt, but as I explained prior, it was probably those moments, after having gotten through them, that contributed to solidifying our relationship.
I also forgot to mention that my two daughters have been a big source of inspiration. I anticipate them having to come to terms with certain things on their ADHD journey just as their mother has. They are always in the back of my mind which is helpful when I am weak. I hope they know that happiness is not dependent on whether or not you have ADHD, and that it is OK to be confused, unhappy, or hopeless, and that how you choose to deal with the adversity leading to these feelings is what counts.
Ditto
Thank you for this post. As the non-ADHD spouse, it is my goal to one day provide a report of encouragement like this.
Thanks
Thanks it's so good to hear positivity and how you managed going forward
The momentum is not always forward..
The momentum is not always forward, can be 2 steps ahead...then one back....then one ahead...etc.
For example we recently suffered a communication breakdown resulting in a pretty emotional blowout. After some time and un-biased reflection it seemed like an issue with her sensitivity to rejection/ridicule (RSD), coupled with some other ongoing things she was coping with, that led to it. I was also at fault as it caught me off guard and I did not effectively engage in the situation.
Scenario was: we had successfully communicated on something (2 steps forward), communication broke down (1 step back), then reflected back on the issue realizing it could have been managed better (1 step forward).
There is still some residual frustration, and if I am being honest I am anticipating it happening again and anxious about that. But over the past decade I have come to terms with the fact that while it might seem like it's at a snails pace overall forward momentum and improvement has been made. I imagine she feels the same way with regards to managing her symptoms, can be slow and daunting, but she knows the eventual outcome will be good.
In that regard I find taking that step back for a wider perspective is helpful. This is tough for her with hyperfocusing and feelings of shame getting in the way, and might always be tough, and I sympathize with that and keep in mind during turbulent times.
THANK YOU
Hi, Just wanted to say thank you so much for being open about journey, and yes I say journey because that is what my husband and I are on. I'm the NON-ADHD, and he has the ADHD, which unfortunately he is in denial about.
I have read every book, done tons of research, which I'm still doing, and trying to educate myself on ADHD, and rewiring my brain on how not to react.
I would love to know how you and your wife are now.
Blessings,
K
Hi Kotsy, we are doing very
Hi Kotsy, we are doing very well, better than most marriages without ADHD impacting them I imagine actually. The trials and tribulations have brought us closer together. I believe what they do is reinforce the love that is there, the same as people growing closer getting through any difficulties together. There are still rough times but we muscle through them using the knowledge, skills, and patience we have retained. Researching is a great first step. In our case it did require both of us acknowledging that the ADHD was/is real, so that we could both take the research and implement together. Without that I imagine there is no solution. Both our kids were diagnosed so it is a very real presence in our lives. Maybe let your husband know how others are working through it, like us, and that it's worth the effort.
Happy To Hear
I'm so happy to hear this for your family.
There are rough times in every marriage, but more so with ADHD. Yes trying to learn as much as I can, and having trouble not reacting to his ADHD, and just saying in my head ok you know it's not him its his brain. Plus I'm trying to listen more before reacting. I'm hoping if he see's me working on myself, and learning about his ADHD, maybe it will help him to realize that he has it, but if I bring up the subject oh boy, so I just don't any more.
I wish you and your family all the best in the years to come.
A glimmer of light for us.
This is exactly where we are at the moment. Although my wife is still in denial about ADHD being the cause of our marital issues, it was her that raised the idea that she might have it.
Knowing this was a possibility, I have always been empathetic and forgiving. In exactly the same way you have mentioned, my guard was down and we had an argument. My wife thought i was not going to support her on something, i said that was not the case, but was stonewalled. One thing led to another, big emotional argument and now we are in crisis.
Some very very slow progress, but i'm hoping we can pull it back. I really need to take your advice here and look at the bigger picture, our 2 kids and the fact we have recovered before.
I really want to open a conversation with her that her ADHD symptoms could be a reason for what has been happening for months, but right now I'm worried it may push her further away.
Yes, you have recovered
Yes, you have recovered before, and you will this time. Another thing I have learned to say to myself is how important is it that you have that conversation with her that her ADHD symptoms could be the reason for what is happening for months. You know it is and that is all that should matter, especially since it might push her further away. We have to expect that this is the way they are, and they may never accept they have ADHD, at least that is what I say to myself. I have noticed that since I just keep going on my journey, being happy, peace, it has change the way my husband reacts/responds to me. I know it can go back in an flash, but when the nice responses happen I just enjoy them.
In our case empathy and
In our case empathy and patience are very important. In your case UKHubby an example of empathy would be to think about her when not in her presence. For example, when not with her, wonder around in her shoes and ask yourself questions like: what would my wife be doing right now?....is she happy?....am I on her mind? Don't ask yourself: did she remember to pack the kid's lunches?...is she neglecting the house leaving things about?... as those are not helpful questions and don't invoke empathy. That way you aren't relegating empathetic feelings to confrontations/arguments where it's difficult to get into that empathetic frame of mind. I guess it's almost like practicing empathy.
Patience is also a virtue being as that it is something not usually present in an ADHD mind. So if you can bring it to the table it can mitigate her feelings of insecurity and self-scrutiny, two things a lot of ADHD-ers suffer from more than a non ADHD-er. Some examples of patience would be leaving space for her to vent, or tell you about her day, and not jumping in for comment or to criticize. Sometimes you don't even have to say anything...a non-verbal action like a high five, hug, and nod of approval, can go a long way. When we were in the middle of figuring out how to make our ADHD-impacted relationship work and just spinning our wheels we would constantly interrupt each other, make comments when the other wasn't looking for them, or turn our backs while one of us was talking...all unhelpful actions.
My wife and I are not perfect in empathy and patience, and sometimes I get to the point where I wonder if such feelings are naturally possible for her, which can be tough to even consider. But after some distance from such situations and reflection I/we usually circle back to a good place (patience exemplified). And it seems like over time these situations of doubt are arising less and less (in me, I assume in her as well).
Of course all this is assuming both partners want things to work. If it is one-sided it will not work, with the exception of it more than likely feeling one-sided from the get-go, so initially give it some time. Luckily my wife and I got on the same page on how to deal with it fairly quickly after we found out she was ADHD (thanks Melissa O!), had we not I am not sure it would have worked out. But hey! This advice and these situations are common in non ADHD-impacted relationships as well so nice to know that we are not alone in this struggle, and that helps keep us from falling into that victim role, another topic of conversation in itself!