I'm hoping someone can shed some light on my situation.
I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. We are both divorced with children (he has 2 girls and I have 2 boys). He is truly an amazing and wonderful person, father, boyfriend, son, uncle and brother. If I wrote down everything I wanted in a boyfriend he was it.
He always felt he had some type of ADHD as a child but never went to a Dr. about it. Growing up and as an adult everyone around him just thought he was forgetful or just being "Gary" so it was never an issue for him. He is a fantastic teacher and the go to guy whenever something needs to be done in school. I'm not sure what happened but one day he came home and said he wanted to talk to a Dr. to see if he should be on medication. Sure enough he met with 2 psychologists who agreed he does have adult ADHD and would benefit from medicine. They gave him a prescription which he never filled. And life went on as normal. (HIS NORMAL)
After 6 years of dating we decided to bring our families together and he and his daughters moved into the apartment my boys and I lived in. After 3 years of living together we decided we needed to buy a house because our kids were outgrowing our 3 bedroom apt. So a year ago we bought a house. That's when things started changing.
From the day of the move there was a constant level of him starting to do things and then calling one of the kids to come help him with something and then he would start something else and leave the kids to not know how to finish his project so things were left undone. Which caused mass confusion within the whole house. This went on for a week and nothing has been completed. So then I start trying to clean up and finish his projects which frustrated me because I was trying to finish my own projects. Then the financial worries began so he picked up more hours doing afterschool programs and ESL programs everyday. Which gives him little to no time to relax in his way which is normally playing softball or football. I could tell he was becoming resentful and very closed off to me. When I asked him to talk to me he would just say "every things fine don't worry nothings wrong " Well 2 weeks ago he comes home and tells me that the house has pulled us into different directions and he no longer wants the house or to be with me. He's fully detached from me. I know for a fact this is not about him and I. We don't fight and we are a really great couple together.
I started doing research and came upon this book "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" and I was practically reading pieces of my life in this book.
My question is.......Once someone with ADHD makes this choice can it ever be rectified if he doesn't see that his choice has anything to do with his ADHD?
Submitted by sunlight on
First reaction: He is overloaded. You've hit the critical mass of "stuff" where he can't keep it together any more so he wants to run (did this cause his divorce?).
"They gave him a prescription which he never filled."
Start there. This was a mistake. Really, until he acknowledges that his ADHD is affecting his reactions to everything around him, then things do not stand a chance of improving (*). He isn't acknowledging it, I don't know how you might make him - he has to figure it out but he doesnt want to well...
* Sometimes a bad relationship is just that, but you seem to be saying that he has been coping until he isn't. He might have to learn the hard way that he shouldn't ignore his ADHD.
Submitted by Lovemyadhdguy on
I totally agree with your comment "he may have to learn the hard way that he shouldn't ignore his ADHD. It's another concern of mine that he works 80 hours a week and cant stop and relax that he may actually crash physically and mentally.
When you say he hit a critical mass of "stuff"...Is it something that he realizes is happening? or is it part of the ADHD that doesn't allow him to realize?
Thank you for your words sunlight.
Submitted by sunlight on
"When you say he hit a critical mass of "stuff"...Is it something that he realizes is happening? or is it part of the ADHD that doesn't allow him to realize?"
Not knowing him is making this just speculation, you know? And I'm no expert. But, judging by my experiences when my husband is un-medicated, during 'overload' he is completely overwhelmed and unable to clearly formulate just about anything. Perspective is lost, ability to prioritize is zero (I mean zero, give him a list with 1 item on it and he can't decide what to do first), decision-making ability pulverized into tiny bits, the desire to avoid can be so great that he will physically rush away. No, he cannot stop any of these reactions and nor, until later, does he know what really happened because the desire to escape is so strong. On meds, this is remarkably different - he is able to stop, think, react and later (after immediate crisis) is able to reflect and understand. Your husband might be different but what you're describing (need to escape) sounds familiar and might easily be very, very hard for him to understand at the time. If he can be persuaded to listen perhaps the meds might help him, in the meantime you must be very concerned about the impact on all the children. Maybe you should focus on them, and let him see what he might be giving up. But no drama - it might push him further away if he's in flight mode.
Submitted by Lovemyadhdguy on
Thank your for your time and thoughts Sunlight.
Get him on the meds!
Submitted by summerrhiannon on
My husband wanted a divorce. He was overwhelmed by the simplest task. Financially, we weren't doing well and I was getting more and more impatient. He ended up having an affair because of course she wasn't nagging him. He could escape his life and not have to deal with anything. The day he started taking Adderall, everything changed. He actually did a 180 and wanted to work things out. He finally got honest and admitted the affair. I finally had a conversation with him that didn't end with me feeling like banging my head against the wall.
Good luck hun. My heart goes out to you.