I have been here on this forum a while. A little over three years.
What sparked my brain spinning this morning was a note my spouse put on the cupboard door for me. "Can I have the bathroom at 10 am?" Seems a fairly innocuous request, doesn't it.? Here is why it is making me crazy-frustratingly scream. The routine - for a long time - at our house on Sunday morning is this: 10 am the bathroom is Mom's. We leave for church at 10:45. Today, my spouse is outside working on some project. So my brain is now spinning with all the probabilities- Do I say "No, you know 10 am is my routine time for the bathroom on Sunday." Do I remind him, "10 am is my routine time for the bathroom on Sunday." Why do I have to go crazy, walking on eggshells, knowing this will blow sky-high unless I just sigh, and go use the bathroom now and let him have it at 10 am. Who in the sam hill else on God's green earth has to loose their sanity over such a thing?
It feels like, in order to have peace and harmony, he dictates, and I must follow. From everything to using the bathroom, to buying a house, to spending money.
Yep. This is where this 54 year old woman is on a Sunday morning - nutsville.
For over 15 years, I had greatly suspected my husband had ADHD. 15 years ago was about about the time we had discovered our son's diagnosis with ADHD. Our son will be 25 in a few days, and his diagnosis was in 4th grade.
I got so inspired by what I found here, I asked my spouse to take the couples seminar. He went to the Cleveland clinic for a full diagnostic screening. The severity of his ADHD is 9+ on a 1-10 scale.
I am no longer inspired. I kept thinking I am missing something. I kept thinking if I got supportive, and did my part, and learned to back away from Symptom-Response-Response cycles, and a variety of other behavior changes, my marriage could improve.
What I am starting to think deep in my soul is that it is fact ME who is in denial. It is in fact ME who has to accept that this is it, take it or leave it.
While I get so very frustrated at not receiving what I need to make this marriage a relationship, I in all actuality cannot watch my spouse hurt so very much. To me it seems he just wont listen. To me it seems he is in total denial that he could ever make a mistake. To me it seems he refuses to say, "I am so sorry." But I think he really, honestly believes (with every inch of his being) that he is correct. He is being condemned. He is being treated poorly. He is being punished. He is right. He knows the best way.
How many of you have tried various different kinds of therapies? Have they worked? Was there any changes? What percentage of marriages that are this deep into the mucky-muck EVER get turned around so that BOTH side are at peace with each other?
I have experienced a phenomena for many years in counseling. I call it "The poor spouse cycle." I try to address an issue that is very important to me, or a hurt that has been experienced by me due to one of the negative ADHD behaviors affecting my spouse. And it never gets really addressed to my satisfaction. Yes, I believe there are 2 sides to every story. But, when each behavior, is excused away and explained away, and turned around into "How can you be so unfair to me? How can you judge me so harshly? Look what I did for you yesterday, or last week, or last year." , and then my spouse ends up in a crying sobbing heap . . . . that is just already beyond my comprehension.
Yep, I really think I am losing my mind. We seem to get no where, and I am already feeling massively guilty. And then when he says something like, "I have NO ONE I can share all this with, because no one knows what YOU do to ME, and I do not know how to let anyone in YOUR family know what I have to put up being married to you."
It has been suggested to me that I want something from him he either cannot or will not give.
And that puts me right back to where I came from in the first place.