Is there a way to comeback

I am a 38-year-old male. I have been with my partner for over 7 years. Together we have 4 kids, two from us, and two from her prior marriage. In December of 2019, I was officially diagnosed with ADHD by my primary. Since then, I have been on Lexapro and Amphetamine. Since being on the medication, the side effects really started to take a toll on me. I am talking major mood issues, irritability, perseverating, emotional outburst, and major emotional disregulation. In the more recent months of this summer. I was self-medicating with alcohol. Mainly hard seltzers, about 4-5 a night during the week. I didn’t do it to get drunk, I did it to balance out the medication. Never did it in front of my kids. The week of October 8th, my stepson aged 14 and I got into it. He called me a retard and fagot. On Friday, while out of the house, several events were occurring that started to bring to a point where I felt uneasy. My partner invited her friend over because she couldn’t go out (which I knew). She then left for 3 hours with her friend. Upon coming home, they purchased a movie with my credit card ( I only knew because it came from amazon). I was upset and sad on the movie. The movie they choose was not only one that we have watched every year together, but a movie we own (so why buy it if we had it). At this point I was very sad, abandoned and left out. I was sleeping in my car for the night as I had no where to go. I woke up around 12:50 am cold and saw that the friend was still at our house. I was now livid, here I was cold and shivering and my partner and her friend are doing whatever. I storm up the driveway and come in the door. I immediately went to the friend (who’s married) and said “why are you still here? go back to your husband”) Me and her exchanged several unkind words to each other, she was saying things she had no business saying or knew). She got up from the couch and came at me and I pushed her away in defense, not to harm but away. She fell back on the couch, got up again and my partner said “no” stood in front and I ended up pushing both back on the couch. This instantly triggered my partners PTSD (her ex was removed from the house and found 6 counts of domestic on him 7 years prior (not once did I ever put my hands on my partner or thought about it). Her friend asked should she call the cops and my partner lightly nodded her head. I sat on the couch and waited. Cops came, spoke, and then was arrested. I was fingerprinted, photographed, and released on $100 bail.

I was disgusted in myself. I kept replaying that in my head. I said who the heck was that. I was present but I felt like I wasn’t in control of my behavior. Even though my attempts at getting a psychiatrist the last two weeks failed, I had to do something. I couldn’t be like this anymore, be a danger to the person I am supposed to protect and love. I called the crisis hotline to get help, they saw that I was seeking such, so they recommend me to go to the ED.

So I checked myself into the hospital and was placed inpatient in the psych ward. I was then moved from the observation ward to the inpatient stay. I was there from October 9th-to October 19th. The doctors and social workers wanted me off the Lexapro and Dextroamphetamine asap as that seem to be the root cause. I attended groups, journal, finished two books (I haven’t read since college), did a puzzle (I could never sit still long enough to do that when on meds). My mind was becoming clearer without the medication I was on. Medication that was supposed to help me harmed me.

I thought about that night every day while inside. I thought about the person who I was, what I became. I didn’t like it.

My Dr. and I planned to do an IOP once discharged as well as get a neurological psychological test done. Basically a test where my behavioral, cognitive and executive functions are tested. I have also stopped drinking and have been sober almost a month this coming Tuesday. I have been cleaned of my prior medication and starting (per the doctor, on Wellbutrin on Monday).

My partner has been in shock for the last few weeks, and now is in the anger stage. Nothing I can do can erase what happened or why it happened. I can only try and provide an understanding of it medically. I do not condone any kind of unwanted physicality on anyone, especially woman. I am doing this not only for myself, but for my partner, and our family. I don’t want to go back to the old me, I want to be a new me. Someone who is properly medication managed, someone who wants to right all the wrongs.

Its def been very emotional as I am currently staying with my sister. My little ones keep asking when I am staying for good, and it breaks my heart every time. My partner wants to make sure she feels safe enough to have me back in. Currently I have been there when she was there. I have asked if she felt scared and she said no. I am not a person who gives up. I understand her feeling and emotions with it, I do. What I want to do is show her that I am becoming better, showing that I am going down the right path in getting the necessary care needed so that one day she will feel safe.

I am just scared that she won’t want to continue because of the thought of me getting physical with her in any way. I have no intention of ever relapsing to that old person, the person who was self-medicating and improperly managed. I just hope she can see that it wasn’t me that night and how awful I feel and guilty and that this will be something I carry forever. I am not ready to give up. She hasn’t given me a time frame she things that will be and thought of not being there during Christmas morning, waking up seeing my girls faces kills me.

Has anyone come back from something like this with there non-adhd partner?