I hate that all I seem to do is bitch about these things — even though I don't actually bitch to anyone other than myself because I don't want to bad-mouth DW to anyone really! DW has just been on 'holiday' for the past 3 weeks, not really a proper holiday, but home to see family etc.
We couldn't really afford it to be honest, but DW said her dad was paying for her flights so we compromised that she would just use that money as her spending money, and off she went! Turns out that this 'family-visiting' time has turned into what can only be described as a 21 day bender — DW has been drinking every, single day — her dad is an alcoholic and that's where she was staying, but this went way too far — with numerous nights out at clubs, 4 am type stuff!
I've already expressed my concern about what I see, as a real alcohol problem — if it's in the house, she WILL drink it, regardless. I could be saving a nice bottle of whiskey/wine for special occasions but no, if it's in the house, she drinks it! Not socially either, she's just drinking it for the sake of it, or if she's 'bored' — which is a lot of the time! She's just told me that when she gets back she's giving up drinking for 90 days — although at 9am at the airport she is posting pictures to facebook of herself drinking cocktails!! At 9am!?! BY HERSELF!
Also, the spending money thing — she assured me that she hardly spent any money whilst there, I have come to find out that she has maxed out one credit card (maybe $1000) and has requested a very large credit increase on another (she hasn't maxed this one, but has put a good whack onto it, again maybe another $800, and that's on top of the $600 she originally had from her father!). She hasn't mentioned this large increase to me as of yet — I'm not sure she's going to either.
How the hell do I even approach this!? I'm so frustrated right now, I feel like I can't talk to anyone about any of this!! And I really don't want to upset her either — I do really love her, I just want us to be 'normal'! She has her first ever appt with a psych in 2 weeks — I'm really hoping she gets some meds!
Sorry SS...That is a tough situation.....
Submitted by c ur self on
What is a married women doing in Bar's until way over in the morning? Love, respect, commitment all works two ways....I know what I would do, but, since I don't want to offend you here. I will just suggest this: Why don't you write your feelings down (things that must change) on paper or email and just hand it to her as to eliminate the emotions....
Best wishes....
C
Your Paradigm. . . . .
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
SilentlyStressed.
I can understand. Your paradigm and your spouse's seem to be very different. I understand this because I struggle with the same sort of issues.
Have you attended Al-Anon? I started attending in the late 70s as I tried to deal with alcoholism in my family of origin. The principles are very helpful in getting to a place of personal serenity . . . .and learning we cannot make anyone else do or see what they choose to deny.
Liz
I'm sorry for your pain. No
Submitted by AliceInBraids on
I'm sorry for your pain. No offense but your wife is probably an alcoholic. I say that with love, as an alcoholic with 2 years sober. I come from a line of them as well, with my mom as my (former) biggest coconspirator so your wife's story definitely rings a bell. Quite obviously the alcohol has GOT to go and you can feel free to ask me anything or discuss what worked for me if you'd like. My life is unrecognizable now from what it was then. That is wonderful news that she is going to start counseling! It truly is. It shows that she is wanting and willing to change. Just know that it takes time. My advice is to see if there is any way you could go to a few sessions with her - a therapist's office can be a great neutral setting to get some communicating done. Maybe even go to counseling of your own. I'm sure you must be in awful need of a listening ear and some validation. As a wife to a man with ADHD and substance abuse issues I have been on both sides of this fence and my heart goes out to you.