Submitted by Satya on 09/02/2015.
Please find below the last email I sent to my husband, we are married for 4 years with a 3 years old beautiful girl. He also has PTSD , anxiety and sometimes panic attacks, it is surreal, I have been trying for my daughter, but I am seriously thinking about leaving this relationship.
He just started adderall I am not sure why it is taking a while to work, I had really 3 days in a month!
Is there anybody to give me some hope that things can get better with the right medicine?
> You have been a monster and attacking me all the time for stupid reasons. > > The medicine is not working and I am beyond unhappy. > > Please do not screw up with my Mon here as you favorite thing is to fuck up with my family, before you I really got along with everybody. My brother and I are the favorite for my mon's and daddy's side of the family, everybody loves me and my brother, because we always talk to everybody. > > Just like you screw up my car insurance and say that I am a bad driver when I have an outstanding record. > > I know deep inside you know you are the source of all problems , but won't admit because it is too painful to look how messed up your brain is. > > I fell you are not doing enough to save this marriage by trying to make things better, I understand you can change a f up life like yours overnight but I do not see any improvements. > > My week days are horrible my weekends are worse. I take care of Clara all by myself and I already feel like a single mother. > > Not to mention you do not ask anything about me or my day, that become irrelevant, I do not even exist in the relationship. > > Sex is not even in the list because for that to work I need to be mentally connect with a person and right now I am not connected to you at any level. > > I am full of resentment and anger trying to find drops of minutes of sanity in your brain.
Yes There Is Hope
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi Satya,
I am a man with ADHD, so please bear with me for a moment before you think anything further. Because I have been there and have managed at this point not to be....I can tell you that your situation does not sound different than my own in my past and even with my wife today. The difference between the two are two completely different stories and things can change but it won't be just him who needs to make some changes for this to happen. I have written a fair deal about this already on the forum before so if you go back and read some of my own stories that I have shared it will get you up to speed in some of the things you are talking about here but first before I get ahead of myself.....I would like to tell you that I do understand your feelings and why they exist to the point....wanting to leave and feeling hopeless go hand in hand and for the moment.....you need some help that you are not getting and he is probably not going to change overnight. That is the reality of your situation and you need to see things clearly to make good decisions right now. To narrow this down for you....I address the points and questions I see to give you a better understanding of your situation and your husband with a great deal of hindsight of my own if this will help you at all.
First Is there anybody to give me some hope that things can get better with the right medicine? Yes and no. Yes to the fact that the right medication can be a blessing as it has been for me and can make a huge difference but it by itself is not a cure for the things you are talking about. There is no cure for ADHD since it's a born in hard wiring issue and no pill or medication can change that in a person. It can makes a huge difference but the wrong mediation can also make things worse.
Second.....Even if Adderall is the right medication for your H.....it takes a lot longer than 3 months to get the dosage right. This is an individual thing from one person to the next and can take over a year or more to get this right. Trial and error with some help with the physician who prescribes it is really all you can do for a while and during this process....your body is trying to get use to it and find it's equilibrium again. What your husband is going through during this first 3 months is normal in respect that a person moods and irritability levels will be swinging all over the place while his body is trying to adjust. He is only in the initial phase of quite a long process to get this all right and the expectation on your part right now based on your need for him is unrealistic since there isn't anything that your H can do about this aspect in making some pretty big changes to his body and his brain right now. I know this is not what you want to hear right at the moment but you need to realize that something else is needed than what you are thinking if you are going to get any relief.
That's both the good news and bad new together.....if the Adderal is the right drug and once he gets that dialed in....it can be an amazing help but it won't happen as fast as you need it to right now. It can make the difference and create a big change for the better in time....without question this is what you can hope for.
More bad news I'm afraid but do not give up hope. Not everyone who has ADHD responds to Adderal well. It works for me very well but for some types of ADHD...it can make things worse. He might be on the wrong drug so basing your h's behavior at the moment could be directly related to that but it may be too soon to tell. Your H needs to be telling this to his doctor and you should be in on it too. You are in some ways....a better source for you H's behavior than he is to give him feedback but he needs to understand this is what you are doing and the two of you need to be on the same page for this to work. This in itself can improve your situation if you the two of you do this together as a team instead of him trying to do this all by himself without your constructive input. What you need to really stop doing is expecting him to change over night or as fast as you need him to do for your sake. The time line here for improvements will depend a great deal on your patience which it appears right now....you feel like you are running out of along with the time clock. Even if your husband wants to do this very badly for you and your Childs sake.....this really is beyond his ability to do right now and I think that is the most important thing for you to understand.
The good new for you is that he is willing and trying. If he is open to talk about things with you and not blaming you for everything at the very least....you are one step closer to getting to where you want to be with him. The biggest help and hope for the two of you will be to get a third party involved to give you some ideas and strategies that will make things better and facilitate the positive changes you are hoping for.
Medication is just the first step in a multi step process and this will take some time. In the mean time....what is happening is creating damage to your marriage that will just make this process take longer and appear more hopeless than it is. It is a real possibility however....that the Adderal is actually making matters worse and your H needs to get some advise in figuring this out. He may be relieved of only a part of his behavior/responsibility if he is on the wrong meds and an improper dose. If you have noticed changes in his anger and irritability and increases in his PTSD panic attacks since he has begun taking Adderal...you should be aware of this and not judge him too harshly because of it. This is not something in that respect.....that he may have much control over. This will be your best clue to see if this is what is happening and if that is the case.....what you are seeing at the moment are really the negative side effects of the drug more than you or your H realize.
Outside of the meds and just the taking on of your child alone is a big one for someone with ADHD. The increased stress and anxiety that is normal for everyone with an infant child in the house will just compound these issues for your H. That may not sound very promising but without hesitation....I think the two of you need to approach this problem as a team and work together instead of being adversaries and getting professional help and advise from a an independent third party made all the difference for my wife and I and was really the only way to make the kinds of positive changes that you are so desperately needing right now. If you can do that and focus on getting help yourself where you need to and not count on him for certain things....I think there is hope for change if the two of you focus on the relationship and your future goals instead of each other for the time being while your H is going through the process of getting his meds dialed in and in a better state of equilibrium. Between the two of you together.....you have a lot going on all at once and stepping back and getting help and perspective along with a goal oriented plan made together will really help if your H is open to it and is not fighting you on that part. I hope this helps?
J
Thank YOU!
Submitted by Satya on
Dear J,
First of all thank you very much for your message.
It is all right in the spot!
I really need to be more realistic and think about our long term relationship. He just started on the medicine after years having me asking him to see a doctor. He was in completely denial of his issues.
The fact that you and your wife can have a happy marriage give me hope to keep trying.
I will read you other posts to learn more about your experiences.