Did you have emotional resolution or closure before you divorced or after? Did you only grieve for the relationship and the loss of hope? Or did you grieve the loss who the specific person you lost? What else were your losses?
We are not divorcing in the foreseeable future but the topic has come up over the course of our marriage, and it has been more seriously considered at various times.
I’ve done a lot of heavy grieving over the years. He doesn’t just have adhd going on - he has also become an unkind and bitter person. So if he isn’t ignoring the kids and I and living for his hobbies, then he’s stressful and has mean comments to make.
Whenever divorce has seriously been on the table, I used to feel a loss of him - but not anymore. The him I’ve lived with the past however many years is so hard to live with and so neglectful of the family that I think I’ve already grieved the loss of him over the years.
Right now, divorce is being brought up again (by him), and the only tears I have are for the concept of losing the marriage itself and the loss of a certain kind of future. Edited to add: I do care about him and for him. It’s just that the relationship with the him that I love... that guy is either gone or very deeply hidden. And the ongoing pain and neglect has killed so many things.
I’m not even sure he can ever follow through on his talk of divorce. He never has before. Thinking back... the last long term and significant goal that took real commitment and hard work to reach that I can remember him achieving was, oh, 15+ years ago.
I don’t think he is capable of long term love, the daily effort and the sharing of himself. I think he’s a broken and fragile man on the inside who just has nothing to give to real relationship. Falling in love- that was easy for him. It’s fun, feels good, and you don’t have to work to invest yourself. But the long term stuff where he has to support the people in his life and be there... he not only doesn’t have the skills, but he also doesn’t want to do the hard work of it. I think that’s why he has no friends, is losing/has lost the hearts of his family, and has poor relationships with his extended family. He can’t give. It is a combo of very out of control adhd symptoms (including the big emotional ones) and hiding from growth.
So if we do divorce, eventually, I’m not sure how much closure I would need. Seems like it has built into my experience already.
Hi, Brindle. I will respond
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Hi, Brindle. I will respond with details later; I just want to let you know that I'm thinking about your post.
I had some resolution before
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I had some resolution before the divorce and some after. I will never have complete closure (I don't really believe in that concept, at least for the situations in which it's commonly mentioned, such as death and divorce).
I miss the possibilities that being married presented; I don't miss the dangers.
I feel sorry for my ex. He's in an unhealthy situation but he put himself into that situation and resisted my efforts and those of other people to help extricate him.
I'm sad that we couldn't work out our problems.
Built in closure
Submitted by vabeachgal on
For me, closure was a long process and in the end it mattered that I worked to a point of closure myself without depending on the other party for the closure or resolution. I spent years and years begging, pleading, cajoling, demanding an apology and acknowledgment. In all honesty, it held me back from healing and moving forward. When I finally confronted my husband with irrefutable evidence of wrong doing and told him that it had changed who I was forever, he finally apologized. By then I no longer cared if he apologized and I especially didn't care that it took something so significant to make him apologize.
It was a process, because as you said, long term and continual pain and neglect destroys many things.
I grieve, regret and mourn that I spent so much time in an untenable situation. I grieve who I used to be. I grieve a future I will never have. I grieve having lost my faith in a solid foundation. I grieve the man I thought I married, because that's not the man I actually got.
The divorce was a long time coming. I gave a commitment of two years. The final divorce came three years after the betrayals. The last year was pure procrastination on my part, because in true ADHD fashion, he wouldn't get things started and I was tired. The feelings were lost a long time ago so when the divorce was final, I didn't grieve the loss of the person. I had separated myself emotionally for so long.
I grieve stability.
I grieve companionship. I don't grieve the companionship I never really had; I grieve that I may not be capable after what happened.
To me, not feeling the fear or pain of the loss of the person was a signal that I needed to divorce. There wasn't anything left.
I grieve that I was never really loved. I think he loved the idea of me, especially in the hyperfocus stage, but I'm not sure he ever really loved me.
I think the closure will come in its own good time as acceptance of the circumstances take hold.
... maybe my wife loved me in some way. I was wrong.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
'I grieve that I was never really loved. I think he loved the idea of me, especially in the hyperfocus stage, but I'm not sure he ever really loved me. '
I have also had the experience over 26 years of praying that the smallest glimmer of affection shown towards me perhaps justified my hope that maybe my wife loved me in some way. I was wrong.
Thank you
Submitted by Brindle on
I’ve read and reread your answers, and I’ve been turning over your words in my mind. As always, there is a lot of commonality between your stories and my story. I’m sorry for all the pain. And I, too, wish we could all have worked out our problems.
You articulated so much so well...
Submitted by dvance on
This post is amazing. You articulated so much, so well. In 23 years I feel like so much has dropped away in little bits and pieces there isn't much left to grieve. We have all had to let go of so much--expectations, things we wanted, hopes and dreams we had, by the time we actually pull the plug, if we do, a lot of the hard work has been done. That said, DH and I are probably separating at the end of this school year-May or June. I have posted on here so much about it already. What I am grieving is the loss of the dream--I had really looked forward to this next phase--we had our two boys fairly young and we could have had a really great second act together--I am 48, he is 50. Next fall when they are both away at college, we would be 49 and 51--definitely not too young to enjoy each other's company and do a lot of stuff. That's what I am sad about. The thought of finding another person scares the crap out of me because I don't trust my own judgment to choose a solid person. I grieve the lousy sham of a marriage we have had for so long--I feel like a fraud. I grieve when I see others enjoying their spouse in a genuine, authentic way. I grieve when I see a couple doing things together. I grieve when I talk to friends who I know are actually enjoying each other--obviously when I see random people out in the world they could be as miserable as I am at home and I wouldn't know, but folks I know are in a fulfilling marriage--that's hard. I grieve for my boys that the past seven years in particular they saw such a lousy representation of what a relationship could be. I grieve that they haven't seen me demand more. I grieve that I allowed a lot of stuff to go by that I should have been outraged by because for a long time I just haven't cared enough to argue and that is a piece of myself that I miss and am sorry is gone. I grieve for the person I thought DH was. When we got married I thought he was the man of my dreams. I was very wrong. I grieve for all these wasted years when I could have been with a normal functional person having a fulfilling life not banging my head against the wall with all the crazy making of living with ADHD. I grieve for how damaged I fear I am--living with DH has brought out the worst in me, not the best I am sorry to say. I have so little patience left for the bizarre behaviors, it's really bad. I worry a great deal for the effects on my kids even though they will be 18 and 20 when we separate. I worry about my financial security because DH gets fired regularly and if we aren't under the same roof I don't know if he would be sufficiently motivated to find a job very quickly.
Again, Brindle, you articulated everything so well. I am so sorry for your sadness and pain around all of this. It's all so hard. All we wanted was to be secure and loved. I don't know if any of you ever watched Gray's Anatomy-I don't any more, but at the very beginning the one character Meredith used to say this other character played by Sandra Oh (cannot recall her name in the show) was her PERSON, like even when they both got married, their husbands knew they were each other's PERSON. I wanted my husband to be my PERSON, to have my back, for us to be on the same team and that has never been the case. It's exhausting to walk through the world alone. Now-that sounds so dramatic--I have friends, DH isn't a total d**k, that's not what I mean, but that deep satisfying connection-that is not there.
undermined by the chaotic whirlwind of an ADHD-partner
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
'It's exhausting to walk through the world alone.'
Especially while 'alone' you are carrying the responsibilities of being both parents plus being undermined by the chaotic whirlwind of an ADHD-partner. I do so understand what you are staying...
;) DV
Submitted by c ur self on
(I wanted my husband to be my PERSON, to have my back, for us to be on the same team and that has never been the case.)
That is so sweet D,...And isn't that a huge part of the beauty and attraction of a monogamous relationship?? Isn't that all any of us really want, or sadly wanted??
c
So at my school we hired a
Submitted by dvance on
So at my school we hired a new PE teacher this year--it's his first teaching job, but he is 35, married 6 years with a 3 year old son. He is the nicest guy-speaks so nicely about his wife, shows us all photos of his little boy like he is the greatest child alive but not like unrealistic stupid cutesy. Just a nice all around guy. Speaks nicely about his parents, close to his two brothers in a normal family way. A seriously nice guy. He trips over himself to hold the doors open for the female teachers, if he sees us coming in from the school parking lot carrying something he will come carry it for us. Last week there was an evening thing that a bunch of us were at (cocktails and appetizers) and I went to gather the plates and cups from our little high top table where he and I and two other teachers were and he took the stuff right out of my hands and said no, you stay and talk, I got you. (I am the Assistant Principal, so I am his immediate supervisor, so some of this is first year sucking up!!!) And I tell you what--my eyes filled. For just a moment those words--I got you. I would love to feel like there was someone who "had me". I doubt any of us on here believe or trust that our spouses "have us". Like so many of us, DH and I can go along pretty civilly for a few weeks and then something happens and he acts like a petulant teenager and I am reminded for the one millionth time that I do not have a PERSON who HAS ME. I have a person who has himself when push comes to shove, whose default setting is self protection-lie, hide, rationalize, avoid, joke, be sarcastic, deflect, blame. I want an adult who is secure enough to manage himself and handle being in a partnership with another adult as an equal.
So to tie it all back to Brindle's original post, I gave up trying to explain myself to DH a long time ago. I don't know if he is incapable of being deliberately difficult/opposite, but I am done trying to either get information out of him as to why he does what he does or give him information about what I need, want or think. Nothing changes. So I guess I had closure a while ago.
It can be a tough life D...
Submitted by c ur self on
Very similar here...But, I don't have to account for her actions....I just have to make sure I HAVE HER :)....
c
A Person
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Dvance,
We use that term in school also. We say that each student should have a person in school. As teachers we don't have to each child's person, as long as each child has a person.
I also wish that I had a person.
I was my husband's person for many many years.
I also know the feeling of seeing other couples enjoying each other's company and doing things together. I used to love going to sports events for my children but I also hated it because I saw other couples interacting positively. Of course, on the outside, they thought everything was fine in my life also.
My biggest regret is that this experience has changed me. Can I even be someone's person again? I don't know. The barriers are very high. I didn't expect my husband to "have me" for a very long time except for superficial things like carrying stuff.
One of my co-workers was discussing the weather. She said that her husband filled her gas tank, warmed her car in the morning, cleaned her car, made sure she had clean clothes after a long day.... I love this woman and am so happy for her. She has a person.
I think you could....
Submitted by c ur self on
(Can I even be someone's person again?)
When and if you experience someone who takes off work to wait on you when you are sick...Who laughs and flirts w/ you while also sharing in the cooking, cleaning and laundry with you....Who asks you what you think about things? Who when you encourage him to find a hobby, he just smiles and kisses you softly on the cheek, and tells you, that you are his hobby...Who manages funds well, and has no secrets from you...Who is always open, and approachable....Who rubs your feet after a long day of work, (or just because you like it ;), who will wake up from his sleep to rub your back when you can't sleep...Who is always tender and gentle with you....
I think most of us could learn to trust again under the right circumstances....If we didn't die from shock!
LOL...
c
Deleted
Submitted by Brindle on
deleted because it was an incomplete duplicate
At this point in my life (20
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
At this point in my life (20 years since my husband lost his job and refused to look for work for almost 6 years, 9 years since he was fired from the second job, 7 years since he picked his parents over me, 2.5 years since the divorce), I can't imagine myself ever dating again. I don't trust myself. I spent decades thinking I was a decent person and then I realized that I wasn't a good person and that I misjudged both myself and my husband. It's humiliating and embarrassing.
PI
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
I would encourage you to rethink the belief that you're not a good person. I understand how you are probably feeling, I have questioned my own ability to make good choices too.... but just because you made certain choices or decisions at the time or in the past does not make you a bad person. You might examine the how-what-why behind what led you to those choices instead of internalizing the blame/shame and placing your whole being in a negative light.
Maybe consider what you would say to a dear friend who was going through the same thing? You probably wouldn't tell them they were a bad person. You would probably be gentle with them and comfort them and assure them that they are strong and they will sort it out going forward. Consider treating yourself with the same care. You are worthy of love and respect.
(hug)
PI~I want to echo what
Submitted by dvance on
PI~I want to echo what another poster said to perhaps reconsider your long held belief that YOU are not a good person. We all fell prey to charming guys who were not what they seemed to be. That doesn't make any of us bad. Gullible maybe. Naive yes. Young and stupid. Inexperienced. Damaged ourselves, looking for something WE hadn't gotten from OUR family of origin that made us particularly vulnerable to ADHD men or especially open to being a rescuer/caretaker, but I really don't see any of us as bad, not even you. The fact that one damaged man made lousy hurtful choices doesn't make YOU bad, it makes him lousy and hurtful. How does his lack of wanting find a job make you not a decent person? That makes him a lazy loser, not you. You may have misjudged your husband but why are you taking on all this blame yourself? You didn't make his choices. I wish you wouldn't give him that much power.
There is this TED talk that I show my 8th graders every year as part of my To Kill a Mockingbird unit. It's by Bryan Stevenson, author of Just Mercy. Now stay with me here: he's an attorney who defends kids of color who have received disproportionately high prison sentences. He also argued the case before the Supreme Court that made prison sentences of life without parole for minors unconstitutional. Impressive gentleman. One thing he says sticks in my head (I have shown this TED talk for the past three years). He says he believes each of us is more than the worst thing we have done, so for example, if you told a lie, you are not just a liar. If you stole something, you are more than a thief. Even the kids he defends who have killed someone are more than a killer. It's a very hopeful way to see yourself in the world. I am a practicing Catholic and I too believe none of us is beyond redemption, that God would have sent His Son to die for even just one of us, that's how much we are valued in His eyes. PI, I wish you could find some peace for yourself and value yourself. You are a decent person, you are a good person. The choices your husband made are not a reflection on you.
PI....
Submitted by c ur self on
What makes up a good person in your eyes? I shouldn't have trusted myself after my first wife died...I was living in an illusion due to loneliness, and missing the sex that I was use to for thirty years....Now after 10 years in I have many regrets...But, I've worked very hard ( the past 5) to rectify (repent, learn and change) my mistakes....I would never encourage someone to date or marry if they felt like it wasn't right for them...But I don't think you should identify with your X any longer...He quit on you...Don't judge yourself by him...I know that as a fleshly man I will always need correction, intervention, and forgiveness....And not from another human....
Blessings
c
PI
Submitted by Brindle on
I’m not sure why you think you’re not a good person. If it is because you married him... well, lots of us thought we were getting one thing and we got another. But that just means we couldn’t see clearly, not that we purposely chose a poor spouse.
If it is because he chose his parents over you... hon, I don’t think that’s your fault. He abandoned you, essentially. He labeled it something else - even gave it a good name - but he still abandoned you. That wrong lays at his feet.
Women have a tendency to turn inward and blame themselves. “What did I do wrong?” I know I’m not an exception. For years I had so many regrets about marrying him, especially in the father department. I kept telling myself that I had given my poor children a bad father. I mourned that and blamed myself. Was convinced I had injured them. Except I can’t determine what kind of father he is. I finally realized that. So if that’s the kind of thing that’s running through your mind... it really isn’t you, dear.
I wish I could take away the hurt and the self-doubt. I hope you can see your good points tomorrow, in the light of day. I hope you sleep well tonight.
my low self-esteem
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm not planning to kill myself or anything. But I do have low self-esteem. I won't blame my ex for that; I've felt that way since childhood.
I do think, however, that anyone in a relationship with a person with ADHD must have an extremely thick skin to withstand the shaming and blame that seem to be part of mainstream ADHD information and treatment. In my experience, it is common for ADHD experts and professionals to say that the ADHD spouse or partner cannot change and that the non-ADHD spouse or partner is responsible for fixing the problems in the relationship. So I do often feel that I was at fault for not recognizing my ex's ADHD from the get-go, for getting married to him, for not responding appropriately when the ADHD resulted in problems, and for not fixing the problems.
My 2 cents
Submitted by SweetandSour on
I think I feel the same way as PI, Brindle, and others. I don't want to speak for you, but I know what some of your experience has been. Dysfunction brings out dysfunction. This isn't an excuse. We're all capable of dysfunctional behavior, but it is elicited more when you are continuously interacting with someone who is very dysfunctional. You have the experience of seeing yourself act in ways you are ashamed of AND you have the experience of your partner (due to their own dysfunction) reacting in an extreme way to anything you do that can be seen as negative by any stretch of the imagination and minimizing every good and positive thing you do because of their own insecurity. So you end up feeling like you're a bad person. The reality is we're all capable of bad behavior and none of us can control all our responses all the time. It's worse when the person you love doesn't ever give you a break. You feel like you shouldn't ever get angry or behave badly yourself, but in some situations you still do - like when you're dealing with hostility from the person you love - like when you hear so many accusations and so much blaming - so you respond in a way that is unkind or dysfunctional and then you feel ashamed and guilty. And now you think of yourself as (you name it), but: angry, out of control, overly emotional, etc, etc. And you think that's who you are and that you're incapable of having a good relationship with anyone. So... part of the issue is that you don't trust other people anymore - you don't want to get sucked in by a man who seems trustworthy, etc., but turns out not to be. And part of the issue is that you don't trust yourself because you've seen the worst in yourself. We are damaged! I think we can heal and we can love and be functional, but it will take a lot of time and effort and sometimes the momentum and the hope waver. PI and all - forgive yourself and practice compassion for yourself and others - we're all human - bottom line.
NIce Sweet and Sour....
Submitted by c ur self on
This reality is worth way more than 2 cents.....
c
PoisonIvy, same here
Submitted by jennalemone on
I don't trust myself. I spent decades thinking I was a decent person and then I realized that I wasn't a good person and that I misjudged both myself and my husband. It's humiliating and embarrassing.
This is exactly how I feel. Before I was married, I had lots of confidence and trust. I can hardly recognize the person I have become. I feel humiliated and ashamed too. I have contorted myself so much in this marriage to try to get along and make it work. For some reason it helps me to know that I am not the only person who feels this way. Thanks, PI, for this honest and vulnerable writing.
But, C...
Submitted by Brindle on
I don’t think I can even date again, so how would I ever get to the “we are in bed and he’s comforting me” stage?
My experience has been that dating = hyper focus = not a real picture of life with this man. So how could I ever trust that a man is being real?
My H was tender and sweet with me at first, too. He was also fiercely protective of me at first. But when we got married, I was on my own if I was sick or struggling in any way. It all dropped away as soon as the hyperfocus was over. Once I had an emergency and needed him. It was bad enough that I almost called an ambulance, but instead I asked him to come get me and take me to the hospital. He was angry that I needed him to drop his plans and come help me. But the dating guy? He’d have been there in a flash and been so amazing.
I just don’t know how I can trust that any good and decent man was actually good and decent.
Brin...
Submitted by c ur self on
I agree Brin...The courage to date again, if I ever found myself in that position, would be daunting...But, there are many men and women out there who manage their lives well....IF I ended up alone again, before I would allow myself to date again...I would have to know them very well....Or know someone I trusted a very high degree, who did.....We all have different thoughts of what we want in a partner....For me, it's very important the person is free (free as in not belonging to someone else in God's eyes) to marry...Has a work ethic...Has a good name and character, who lives responsibly alone....I just don't want to have all the difference's to battle that my wife and I have....I want someone who loves a simple life, and don't have so many strong opinions and selfish ideas....Someone who can see the big picture of life, and has a thankful and appreciative heart and spirit..For even the little things....
I would have to know it was right, not just loneliness and lust driving it....
c
I'm dating right now...
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
It takes time. After my experience with my ex I was like "NO WAY"... which was exactly what I needed to do at the time. I was hurt and confused and I had absolutely no business trying to date again right away. I needed to sort things out. So that's what I did... I spent a year and a half contemplating what happened and why, what previous experiences may have led me there, red flags that I didn't see or that I saw but rationalized away... etc etc... and afterwards, I emerged with a much clearer picture of what happened, what I wanted to change going forward, much better boundaries and a more finely tuned awareness around my instincts about problematic people or situations that I had not had before. THEN I considered getting back out there... and if I'm really honest, I also found myself looking at an acquaintance one day like he was a delicious pork chop ... lol... and I was like.. ok, yea, it's time to get out there again. ;-)
It will likely take a long time for someone new to earn my trust.. but I'm ok with that, and if they aren't ok with that then they are not the right person for me. Thank you, next.
"I've got you"
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
This is exactly why I've realized I need to get out. As we age, I will need my person. He will not be there for me. One day a couple of months ago, I was sick in bed... too sick to make dinner for the first time in years. All I asked was that he get a pizza so he and our daughter could eat dinner. "I've got you?" Nope. He stomped around slamming things muttering as loud as he could, "I don't want to be doing this right now." He made a huge, tantrummy show of it before he left. I think in a "normal" relationship, my husband would see I was sick and I wouldn't even need to ask him to get a pizza. He would just do it. Maybe he'd even make a nice dinner and a bowl of soup for me.
I ask for virtually nothing from him. He lives as a single man while I manage the house, our child and more than my share of earning, too. His reaction to taking a half hour off of his laptop to get a pizza was ridiculous but definitely normal for him on the rare occasion I actually need something from him. A stranger would have been more willing to help me out as I sat in bed on antibiotics with a brutal bout of bronchitis. It's proof he won't be there when something serious happens.... if I need a hip replacement or get cancer. He is in life for himself. I am done with that. While I may never find my person, at least if I'm alone I will find other ways to cope.
In reference to the original post, I believe I have done a lot of the grieving for the relationship already. Getting to this point has been at least a ten year journey and horribly painful. I have read a bit about the emotional stages of divorce. Depending on the list you see, the stages include denial, anger/resentment, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Yes, I can say I have moved through most of this (clearly still hanging on to the anger though!) already. I am definitely in the acceptance (that it's over) stage while still in the marriage.
Although I wasn't married...
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
this particular issue (along with the downright abusive anger and blaming) was the ultimate dealbreaker for me.
I could count on my ex to do things like go get a pizza (although really only if I made the suggestion where to go, the decision on what kind to get, the call to place the order and all he had to do was drive there and pay..sigh..so at that point why not just get it myself, heh.. anyway, I digress) and occasionally he would do sweet things without being asked (like a gift or bringing me coffee in the morning) but when it came to the big ticket items that would affect me in old age there was absolutely no way I could rely on him. Financially, emotionally, medical needs, etc. The bitter, resentful, "I don't wanna and F-you for asking" type tantrums were inevitable anytime he was expected to take on responsibility and more often than not, if I didn't give in to his tantrum there would be hell to pay.
I've mentioned before that during our final argument he refused to pick up the phone, answer a text or otherwise deal with anything like an adult for three months. When I called him out on his uncooperative behavior he basically told me to go to hell and it was then that it finally hit me that if I was in any sort of danger or trouble during one of his episodes I was completely on my own. He simply did not care.
To tie this in to the original thread - I think that was what gave me closure in the long run. I had done nothing to warrant being treated with such hateful contempt. I just could not ignore that particular fact and continue to put myself in harms way. I absolutely grieved the loss of love and the life that I thought we were going to have together. I spent many nights in tears and walked around in a daze for a very long time. Our relationship was not 100% bad 100% of the time...some of it was amazing... and I struggled to sort through the confusion of it all. But even though there were good times, it wasn't the whole picture. So, in order to get any sort of healing my thoughts kept coming back to the undeniable nature of reality. It all really spoke for itself. I just had to listen and accept it and convince myself that I would be ok. That I could write my own story going forward.
I had a good therapist to help me, joined a support group (both this one and elsewhere), did a lot of self care (massages, walks outside, healthy food, stayed away from alcohol for the most part, made myself go out with friends even though I didn't want to, etc.) and I wrote a lot.. about my feelings around my relationship, my feelings around the expectations that society places on women especially and around tolerating bad behavior in relationships (romantic, family or otherwise), about the evidence that something was really amiss with my ex's behavior, and even now...two years later, I still find myself processing things occasionally.
I am still angry at him, but I'm fine with that. I'm not one who believes you have to forgive in order to move on. Quite the contrary. I can take those feelings and use it for growth.
I hope that's helpful.
Yes. Yes!
Submitted by Brindle on
Like so many of us, DH and I can go along pretty civilly for a few weeks and then something happens and he acts like a petulant teenager and I am reminded for the one millionth time that I do not have a PERSON who HAS ME. I have a person who has himself when push comes to shove, whose default setting is self protection-lie, hide, rationalize, avoid, joke, be sarcastic, deflect, blame. I want an adult who is secure enough to manage himself and handle being in a partnership with another adult as an equal.
This is it!! Whose default is self-protection and avoidance.
I wanted someone to be my person, too. I wanted someone who didn’t see my needs as something to hide from.
My marital problems started
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My marital problems started when our children were still at home. I was concerned about how things would go once they were both in college, but I committed myself to being positive and trying to use that time to repair my relationship with my husband.
Here's what actually happened: with the agreement and support of mental health practitioners, my husband arranged to work for his parents "temporarily," at their home 150 miles away. He left for that job two days after we dropped off our younger child for her first year of college. H said several times that he didn't want our marriage to end, but I think he killed it by refusing to try to heal it. I'm still sad and angry about that.
PI...Just based on his actions....It looks like a plan....
Submitted by c ur self on
Words can be formed and spoken to serve many purposes, sadly the truth isn't always the priority of those purposes....It's so easy to fail to see the working out of a person's actions, when we are emotionally attached, and have feelings that are counter to those actions...I'm not judging your X, but, just hearing from you over the years, his actions (lack of investment and commitment) make their own statements...Just like mine (all people) does....We hear from people on this site, who for one reason or the other (usually hopelessness, based on past experiences in the relationship) create marriage escape plans in their hearts and minds....No one can ever know if he was waiting for the last child to start college, to walk away from his marriage....But, whether it was coincidence or a planned move, the reality of it all had the same effect on you.....
c
H said several times that he
Submitted by Brindle on
H said several times that he didn't want our marriage to end, but I think he killed it by refusing to try to heal it.
Yes. Same here.
Although...
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
CaliforniaGirl,
I identify with your post... When you said: "I had done nothing to warrant being treated with such hateful contempt.", that was my Ex completely.
I agree with you that I don't have to forgive him in order to "Move on". I have learned much about myself as a result of my failed marriage. I've been divorced going on 8 years, and some things still trigger me.
Divorce
Submitted by Alone on
Wow just reading your post let’s me know I’m not crazy. I feel the same way!!! You may love and care about them but when they show no love or caring back you just feel so empty. What kind of effort does it take to do something nice for someone else? I have tried to be a good wife and Mom. The giving tree( me) has no more left to give!!! There are no more branches left . Just a stump. Thanks for your post.