Those who divorced your adhd spouse

Did you have emotional resolution or closure before you divorced or after?  Did you only grieve for the relationship and the loss of hope?  Or did you grieve the loss who the specific person you lost?  What else were your losses?

We are not divorcing in the foreseeable future but the topic has come up over the course of our marriage, and it has been more seriously considered at various times. 

I’ve done a lot of heavy grieving over the years.  He doesn’t just have adhd going on - he has also become an unkind and bitter person.  So if he isn’t ignoring the kids and I and living for his hobbies, then he’s stressful and has mean comments to make. 

Whenever divorce has seriously been on the table, I used to feel a loss of him - but not anymore. The him I’ve lived with the past however many years is so hard to live with and so neglectful of the family that I think I’ve already grieved the loss of him over the years.  

Right now, divorce is being brought up again (by him), and the only tears I have are for the concept of losing the marriage itself and the loss of a certain kind of future.  Edited to add: I do care about him and for him.  It’s just that the relationship with the him that I love... that guy is either gone or very deeply hidden.  And the ongoing pain and neglect has killed so many things.

I’m not even sure he can ever follow through on his talk of divorce. He never has before. Thinking back... the last long term and significant goal that took real commitment and hard work to reach that  I can remember him achieving was, oh, 15+ years ago.  

I don’t think he is capable of long term love, the daily effort and the sharing of himself. I think he’s a broken and fragile man on the inside who just has nothing to give to real relationship.  Falling in love- that was easy for him. It’s fun, feels good, and you don’t have to work to invest yourself. But the long term stuff where he has to support the people in his life and be there... he not only doesn’t have the skills, but he also doesn’t want to do the hard work of it. I think that’s why he has no friends, is losing/has lost  the hearts of his family, and has poor relationships with his extended family.  He can’t give.  It is a combo of very out of control adhd symptoms (including the big emotional ones) and hiding from growth.

So if we do divorce, eventually, I’m not sure how much closure I would need. Seems like it has built into my experience already.