Hi everyone--new to this forum! My ADD husband and I have been together 5 years, married for 3, and a few months ago after a fight I realized from reading something online that my husband likely had ADD. Fast forward a few weeks to an evaluation and he scored 97% on the inattentiveness scale. He's trying meds and therapy, and yet it feels like things have gotten so much worse for us.
I have PTSD from childhood and chronic illness so I haven't been able to work in 2 years, right as he lost his job as an engineer for 15 months, and then hid credit card debt from me (he seems to think being a man means doing finances even though he's awful at planning). I felt like I had to be supportive during the unemployment, but as he got a new job I found out about the lies and the ADD and I'm so angry and realizing how much of our relationship problems come from his coping mechanisms, likely to deal with the ADD--especially the lying.
He appears meek to the outside world and I'm always the bad guy, but he tries to control everything about my life (my friends, career changes I'm trying to make so I can work again, etc) so that he feels like he's in control of something. He considers chores "a sacrifice" and assumes I'm not as capable as he is because I'm a woman (I have a PhD and am so sick of this attitude!). He spent his whole unemployment interrupting me every 15 minutes because he doesn't seem to be able to manage his time, a behavior he once referred to as codependent himself! (But then doesn't see why I'm angry after being trapped in a house for 15 months with him)
I'm just so angry. Every day is a fight about a stupid lie. I can't trust him at all, because some are stupid and little and some are huge like debt, and it's hard to know which. He's starting to use his ADD as an excuse for all of these coping mechanisms like lying or gaslighting me--it at best is an explanation, but you don't "get" to lie. We've made so many schedules and reminders, I've been reading ADHD books to try to understand and help, but I feel like there's so much built up anger and resentment on my part that there's really nothing left. That devastates him as he doesn't want to divorce, but I don't want the rest of my life to look like this.