thought to thought

Ok I am new to this but here it goes. My husband and I have been together for 20yrs. He is the love of my life. We have been through a thing or two. Ten years ago my mother was hit by a car in NM and killed instantly, we then took over the financial care of my grandmothers care who had Alzheimer. She past away about two years ago. Then about four years ago we started taking care of my aunt who also has Alzheimer. Now I was diagnosed with ADD when I was about nine. I have always had problems in school, ect ect. If things interest me I am the queen... I excel if not - well not at all. Pretty common add stuff.

Now with all that said one would say oh your stressed, grieving yada yada yada. But been there done that my husband and I spend every waking moment together- and hes a bit of a mentalist. He notices everything. Now we are trying to go back to work, he is non add. However he has three friends who are ADD and a wife(me) who is ADD. His plate is kinda full. He has taken a  break recently from his friends ( i think he resents me for not having the patience to deal with them because of me) But heres the thing, my add is in full effect. Since everything in our life as calmed down, I have no schedule no structure. He needs go with the flow- from having so much structure before. But im having a hard tome adjusting.  Just yesterday, we were supposed to go to the bank, we fell asleep watching a movie. He got up before me and started getting ready. I got up and checked the bank hours, now heres where my add kicked in, the bank closed at 4 it was 415. My mind rushed with what else do we need out what else do we need to do - before you know the bank closing is a distant thought. I start getting ready continuing to have the conversation in my head. Then he says hey its almost 5 are we going to make it in time what time do they close---OH shit! I tell him they closed at four-this turns into an argument - not because its small but because it happens all the time. Hes like why didn't you tell me earlier? why did you wait for me to ask? so on and so on- he knows how my head works but sometimes doesn't have the patience for it. I'm trying really hard to get better at not letting my mind wonder, but is hard.

I m not trying to hurt him, I want him to get better, but i don't know how we are going to get through this my add isn't going anywhere.

 

I had a bank related issue

I had a bank related issue with my adhd dh as well --

I signed up for a credit card thru our bank to get a cash reward so I could save money on an item I wanted online. I told dh that since it was one cc card in, there will be one cc card that will go out (deleted). Instead of agreeing the cash reward was a good move, my dh obsessed all day at work that the billing cycle did not match the other credit card's billing cycle I had. He came home and started to micro-manage me quite testily, asking for details of the card number, and chose not to look it up himself. He then went to the bank right before closing and had them change the billing date to match the other card. No big deal to me, but a huge deal for him. But I chose to drop my frustration that was turning to anger and let it go.

It was just the total fixation with the billing cycle and losing track of the incentive and I told him not to take his anger out on me. His anger has nothing to do with me, but his adhd/ocd about the billing cycles not matching up!! I felt frustrated, but I didn't own the burden that he tried to dump on me. It used to make me feel I was in this crazy play, and I didn't know what the lines were and of course, the lines were always the wrong ones or never made sense so it made it worse and worse (hence the arguments).

Anyway, I know you were not as angry as my dh, but it probably seemed to your dh that you had deliberately kept the info about the bank hours from him. I think the only way is for your dh to remain calmer is to split the responsibility. He will be in charge of appointments, looking up hours of operation, putting hours and appointments into his cell phone/planner etc... it may be easier to rely on his own info tracking. And he sets a timer if you both plan to go anywhere and there's a chance you both fall asleep or run late. He does not have the ADHD, so he should be able to handle this. It's like having a timer when one cooks, just in case so nothing burns. You can then take on the other responsibilities like getting the checkbook, account numbers and statements ready. Or at least always have it ready in your purse. And of course, if it's all been a big misfire/miscommunication, there is always another day for the bank. Just letting go of the little things is important. I think then your ADHD won't be so stressed, right?