Sept 1 will be my 18 yr anniversary and ALL I can do is keep thinking how can I escape this nightmare? 99% sure my husband is ADHD. He fits all of the typical symptoms (too long to go into). Our 16 yr old daughter has been diagnosed ADHD & she is nearly identical to her father's behavior. My 15 yr old shows tendencies of ADHD but not to the extent of her older sister. So what brings me here? Desperation I guess...I am struggling to hold this household together for the sake of my girls. I have to navigate 3 ADHD personalities and I have to admit I am failing. I am completely alone with no support system. My extended family is gone due to a family blow up & his family has never been in the picture. My friends are all gone because they got tired of my husband refusing to let anyone over or to go out, plus all of my energy goes into keeping my household going, no time for friends.
I feel like I have been through it all with Mike - Lying more times then I care to count the latest HUGE lie was a secret bank account that he was hiding, that took over $40,000 over 4 yrs, which he spent all of. He continues to blame me for HIM doing because if I was not such a nag or tight with money he wouldn't have had to do it. I kicked him out at that time for 8 months, but due to financial reasons & his "act" of changed behavior I allowed him back into the house to reside in a separate bedroom. (nearly 18 months ago) But the "change" did not last, we don't talk ever, his only focus is work & when he is home he is the "leave me alone type". We are in financial trouble because his impulsiveness has him spending on his CC everyday. I have begged, pleaded, yelled, cried every tactic to try to solve our problems. Nothing has worked, partly because he refuses to even acknowledge he might need help & he has this way of ALWAYS making it my fault. I am definitely the "MOTHER" in this relationship, I need it to end. His hyper focus is downloaded movies & books or work. There isn't any room for me or the girls. Any request for him to help with the household or girls is met with resentment and anger, because I am "telling or ordering him" to do it.
I had to quit my job, which was my only financial way out, because my 16yr olds ADHD diagnosis & anxiety issues were coming to a crisis point. So now I am here a year later feeling trapped, alone and with no hope. Oh to make matters worse I am OCD with anxiety issues. (Most of which stem from lack of love and security) The two triggers that an ADHD spouse has the most trouble with. I spend my days trying to hold off all of the ADHD issues of my family by trying to micro-manage their lives. Which I have tried often to stop doing but then the whole household falls apart. Mike expects that since I am not officially working (I run my own business from the home but it gets put to the side because of the family needs) that ALL of this is MY responsibility. I should care for the whole house (a fixer upper & is in serious need of repairs, which I have to do), the bills (make money magically appear out of NO WHERE since he is spending uncontrollably) and handle ALL of the girls needs (micro-manage homework their chores, social calendars etc). He sees his ONLY role is to work because it is such a stressful job the rest of his time is down time. But I am DROWNING, my OCD has me tied up mentally in knots trying to plan the unpredictable nature of my family. I simply can't do it all anymore.
When I consider walking away, I will still have ALL the same issues PLUS NO financial support. Even when he was out of the house I ended up being the "mother" paying bills so he didn't lose his place or working out his schedule so he could visit the girls. He turns EVERYTHING into my fault and with my OCD/anxiety its an easy guilt trip to ride. It is hard to not just walk away from it all & start OVER. Let him raise the girls, deal with the house. But I brought these 2 girls into the world and it is my responsibility to raise them to college. I chant to myself all day long, only 4 more years until my youngest is in college. I can hold on right? I know they won't find success without someone there to help them.
How do you do it? How do you be a 1 man band with all of the responsibilities and none of the support? My oldest son, previous relationship & I was a single mom, was not as hard as this situation. He was my only help but he is now successfully grown, college graduate and set to get married soon. I know there has to be a better way and I hope any non-ADHD spouse can offer some insight or advice. I know Mike is struggling too with the ADHD and the dysfunction of our marriage, however I have no more ideas on how to fix.
Sadly ALL I every wanted was an equal partner in this life to love & who loves me. How do you deal with the loneliness of the ADHD unaffectionate spouse? Or are we just destined to be their "care takers" forever?
Sorry for the long rant but this is the 1st time I have put any of this out there to the world, guess I have 18 yrs of sadness built up.