I'm 40, and I was only diagnosed two weeks ago after our couples therapist (literally in our 2nd session, it was wild), suggested I get tested. It was the absolute first time anyone had even mentioned this as a possibility. Of course looking back it makes sense (sound familiar?)
I saw this as the "good diagnosis" so many of you all have talked about...finally it was the --potential-- answer to a lot of the issues we had been having around communication, dependability, etc. As I've read more about couples in this situation (From Melissa's books as well as GIna Pera's) we are in the same exact spot and fell in the same exact traps as so many who start this journey. When my nose is in those books, I'm filled with hope and optimism when i'm usually filled with dread and frustration and fear. Even Melissa's own story very much mirrors our own.
I've thrown myself into my ADD (inattentive), and given myself over to treatments including making therapy and medication (Wellbutrin, so it's not really kicked in yet) and trying (I think successfully) to start other good habits such as reminders and alarms.
I literally had no idea until 30 days ago that I was NOT a smart, yet chronic underachiever who just had keep trying that little bit harder for elusive gains in organization and dependability.
The massive issue, and difference between the couples in the books and us is that, even though the first few days after diagnosis were good for us as we joked and talked about it, my wife is now so angry that I waited so long to talk to a mental health professional that she isn't sure she can even start the process with me. So it's not that I'm denying my ADHD or am hesitant to start treatments, it's that I waited about 2-3 years from the time she started urging me to see someone for my failing confidence (after our 2nd baby and things really started feeling overwhelming), to the time that I actually went. FWIW I have talked to a therapist for the past YEAR, but even he missed this diagnosis!
The thing is, i don't know why i waited so long either. It sounds so dumb in hindsight, but I really don't know. I guess I just always thought I was so close to being 'good' that it seemed like too big or drastic of a step to take.
From everything in the books, it's a two person committed journey. I know she may be in the grieving phase (and our therapist last night in our follow-up suggested she needs to grieve for the relationship she thought she was getting), but we left our session last night with the task to actually give each other space to work out our issues...for me to start to get a handle on my ADHD in daily life, and for her to work through being angry at me and grieving and then figure out if she wants to start this rebuilding process.
So now I want her to be on this journey so badly and I just have to wait and endure this time where I know my wife is SO angry with me and she grieves and I'm not even sure that at the end of it I'll have a partner ready to go on this road to recovery. Our therapist suggested specfically NOT talking about our issues for the next few weeks, but the only thing i want to do is show her the books, the underlined passages, the part specifically about grieving and tips and how it helps and the hope and optimism.
How will I get through these few weeks (while also working on my own steps forward)...and what if the reward for doing so is a spouse and best friend unwilling to be with me?
why why why did i wait so long and at this point how can I show her it wasn't because i didn't care?!?!