Tired and Feeling Hopeless

 This is not what I signed up for when I married this man.  I do not know how we got to this place.  Our problems have increased gradually as our children (boys 11 and 15) have grown.  My husband is not only ADD but had a very dysfunctional home life as a child, especially with his mother.  I feel doomed.  He seems to not be able to separate his history from our home life.  I came from a very loving and supportive family.  Yet, we are repeating many of the patterns in his home.  I pay for his mother's sins every day of my life.  He pays little to no attention to me.  There is a double standard in what he expects from me and what I should be allowed to expect from him.  It should be good enough that he is passive, rarely has an opinion and lets me "do whatever I want".  While I appreciate that he does not put pressure on me like other husbands I know of, i.e...wanting a spotless house, expecting meals at a certain time, etc, etc...the passiveness makes me crazy sometimes.  I feel invisible most days.  Parenting our ADD 15 yr old is slowly destroying our marriage.  He thinks I'm neurotic and controlling (his mother was) b/c I worry about the normal things that most mothers worry about.  I never hear anything I do right, only advice on what I should do different.  I lecture too much.  I'm over protective, etc.  I think my husband basically raised himself from 14 on and had few, if any, boundaries to adhere to.  I was not raised this way.  The lack of support I feel is very painful.  If I try to address any of it with him, the defenses are up and it's turned right back around to me.  He is a master at that.  I'm tired of apologizing for how I feel, having needs, etc.  He takes everything as a personal attack on him.  It can never, ever be about me and the fact that I need to feel loved, protected, appreciated, etc.  I cannot remember the last time I really felt any of those things.  Our sex life is non-existent.  Another huge blow to my self-esteem.  He shows no interest.  None.  For the past few years he has had physical problems in that area but has shown no attempt to figure out the problem or talk to a doctor.  So, yet another thing I'm just supposed to deal with and accept.  How do you not take it personally?  I feel completely rejected.  He never tells me I'm beautiful or that he has any attraction to me.  Another area I guess I'm supposed to read his mind.  I have been in counseling for several years b/c of all of this.  He has gone several times.  It has helped at times.  But he doesn't go consistently enough for any it to take hold.  We are at a point now that we are both highly defensive.  We can't talk about anything out without getting into argument.  It is breaking my heart.  I am committed to this man, believe God put us together, but yet I am miserable.  I know he is miserable too.  We just keep hurting each other.  We aren't even speaking at the moment.   I am weary of it all and it breaks my heart for my children.  I did not grow up this way and never imagined this is how we would end up.