Tired of crying...I'm thinking of giving up.

As I sit here, I'm actually crying. The last two weeks..everything changed. Before these two weeks, we were so happy...

I've written a topic here before: "how to cope with my adhd boyfriend". I don't even think or feel now, that his adhd has anything to do with how he's treating me. A few weeks ago, it were really going great. So great, that if I now think about it in camparison to how things were last week and this week, I start to cry. He called me frequently, even when he was busy. I got random texts. He made jokes, he were loving. Then I went to visit him (we have a long distance relationship) for the first time in 3 weeks. That weekend were wonderful. He were by my side the whole time. We were away with a bunch of friend. We didn't argue once. We were just both so happy to see each other again. We even gave out tips to our other friends who were also in a LDR because they admired how we do it. And then I went back home....and everything changed...He didnt call, make jokes, send random texts...his messages were short, giving nothing away of how he felt. I asked him whats going on... he says "nothing, i'm just tired after the weekend". But each day followed like that. I tried to keep things light and fun when we talked...over a phone call, he didnt have anything to say to me...

I thought that it's going to get better..the past weekend he came home and everything were fine at the beginning...but then he just said somethings that were quite hurtful...but he was joking..but i couldn't help to wonder if there's some truth in.. the rest of the weekend I were very quiet...I wanted to talk to him and ask what he meant with what he said, but I was afraid..because he gets mad when I doubt him...but i cannot help it if says things in a jokingly manner, but then that joke had to start at some point of serious thinking?

When he went back to where he studies, we had a tiff right before he left...so he left when we were mad at each other... then the rest of the day nd the following day we didnt speak...It really bothered me, so then I called him to talk things out...We actually did, and he again told me he loves me, but we should tallk to each other when something bothers us and he would try not to get mad..

But now he has exams...so he studies almost whole day, so we barely talk. I'm not going to see him for the next two weeks. From yesterday, he doesn'y have to stydy untill sunday he said, so I though and hoped that we can just have random, fun conversations again...but I was wrong. Yes, I know he were really tired so he went to sleep really early last night, and only woke up at about 11:30 this morning...so again I thought, "okay now we can talk for a bit". But he decided he's going to watch movie whole day...and when he watches movie, that's the only thing he can focus on... BUT. I understand, he's tired from studying, and now that he has the chance, he just want to do nothing and have time for himself. But how do I tell my heart to understand that? like, we had a really short text convo, but it's again as if he's not interested in me..beacuse I will ask him things, tell him things just to speak to him...he just don't do it...not even a "how's your day going?" like two weeks ago. Usually he had something to say after my message...now nothing.. I'm the one trying. And I have this feeling he doesn't care even that we talk so little now.. he doesn't care that he's not going to see me for the next two or three weeks... I don't know if he's just so comfortable in our relationship, that he doesn't realize, he still actually got a girlfriend that would like a bit of recognition. I now feel that he won't even care if I just walk away and leave him. Because I'm beginning to think that's the only thing left for me to do. I have put so much in this relationship. But now I feel I have to fight for some of his time and attention...and I know I'm worth more. 

Should I go, or should I just cry some more and stick with him until I don't love him anymore :( 

 

Well of the two options,

Well of the two options, neither sounds very appealing. I'm concerned that you look at it that way. That if you stay, you won't be happy. That sounds like resignation with no hope, and in that case you probably should just leave. But we can't give you advice per se (at least I'm not comfortable with it). Pretty much everyone says dating an ADHDer is awesome because they are so attentive. The ignoring part starts with marriage. If he's already ignoring you, that might be your sign. I've been married to my ADHD husband for over five years now. The first couple of years were awful. Things have started rebounding the last year and half or so. But there are still weeks where he's exhausted and/or working all the time and there's a disconnect. He recently started a new job and is working out the notice on his old one, so all he works and sleeps, and if we happen to be at the same place at the same time, then we might talk, but nothing too involved. Yes, I feel disconnected from him, but I'm having to hang with it because all I've wanted for the past few years was for him to have a good job again and now he has one.

If your boyfriend is truly caught up with exams, then I think it's plausible for him to want to watch a movie or read a book or hang out with friends on his down days. When my hubby has been super stressed out about something, he has a tendency to go off and do things on his own, sometimes neglecting me in the process. But i deal with it. I love him and that's the reality of living with him sometimes. 

Over all, I learned that ADHD and long distance don't mix. When we were dating and living near each other, my hubby couldn't get enough of me. When I moved an hour away, things changed drastically. After we were married and weren't living together, things were bad. ADHDers rarely have the capacity to focus on things that aren't right in front of them. So that might explain why he's so great when you're together and not so great when you're a part. Plus they often have a hard time focusing on multiple things at one time--which might explain why he's so focused on his exams right now, even on the days that he's off.

So give him some time to finish and then make your decision. You obviously don't want to make the wrong one.

ADHD perspective

Coming from someone that suffers from ADHD and is actively involved in treatment and medication:

I know it's very hard to put yourself in his shoes, especially when you are most likely carrying some hurt, anger, and resentment from your experiences and disappointments with him. Try to consider that he is overwhelmed right now due to having to focus on exams. Most ADHD individuals have a very tough time buckling down for school work and it takes them twice as much time as a non-ADHD individual to get that information to sink in enough to do well in school. Add the fact that often, even if they know the content well, the added pressure of the timed exam can cause negative results. Try to keep in mind that he is most likely under alot of stress due to the school work and the best thing you can do to help him through it, which in turn will make him want to spend time with you, is being understanding and trying to give him a little space to focus during study time, and to decompress afterwards. ADHD individuals are well known for needing some "alone time" to catch up on their thoughts, calm their thoughts, and refocus.

 

Take some time to read this article as well if you haven't already:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/edward-m-hallowell-md/what-adhd-feels-like_b_1627463.html

Good luck to you whatever you decide. I know that it hurts to be in your position. I've hated myself for knowing that I've put my wife in the position you are in the past. We all feel that way, whether we are good at expressing it or not.