I have been in therapy for over six months after getting busted for lying to my wife (of nearly 8 years) about my pornography use and nearly ruining my marriage. Again. In therapy, I discovered that I likely have ADD. My therapist seems to think I'm on the cusp, though, and not hyper, and so doesn't want to recommend medication, especially since I haven't used pornography once in over seven months. My physician, as well, is hesitant to prescribe meds since they are a controlled substance I would be taking for the rest of my life.
The problem is that I still get so overwhelmed over such dumb stuff, and I can't really afford for that to be happening, since I need to be rebuilding a marriage right now. Sometimes I feel like I can see myself losing control, and try as I might (and I do, I swear I do) to take responsibility and rectify the situation, it gets all screwed up and WAY worse really quick.
Tonight, for instance, I was supposed to make dinner for my wife while she studied. The recipe was easy enough, and we had all the ingredients, but the house (and especially the kitchen) was a mess, and I quickly became overwhelmed. Knowing that I couldn't really do this, that there wasn't room for me to lose it, I tried to stay cool, to just kind of take it on and keep it together, even thinking, okay, maybe I'll have a beer while I cook, that should help keep everything mellow. But no, and I couldn't even piece it together to explain it now, but we argued, she packed her things up to go to school, I groveled, she got in the car, I texted her that I was done and would be better and please stay, she drove off, and I threw my phone. And broke it.
This is not how I want to be. Duh. And I don't even feel like I know what's going on, and I really don't want to make excuses or hide behind anything, but I feel like this is happening way too often and it's scary and I hate it. Is it ADD? Anxiety? Why do I get so angry? Why can't I get anybody to just medicate me so I can try to rebuild my life and my marriage? I mean, I like my therapist - he's the one who noticed the ADD and had me read Hallowell's book in the first place, so it's confusing.
I guess I'm feeling pretty helpless right now. I don't want to lose my wife - and I want to be a dad someday, but not like this.