I just need to vent. So, I apologize for bad grammar, spelling, and whatever else.
Quick summary of the relationship: I met my soon-to-be ex-husband in 2009, we moved in together in 2010, and married in 2013. He told me very early in our relationship that he had ADHD, and that he did not take medication because he was in law enforcement and the National Guard. Our relationship was fairly smooth until the end of 2014. Four months after we married, he deployed for 10 months. While he was deployed, we bought a new house together and I got us moved in as much as I could on my own so he could settle in with minimal disruption. I eventually moved out in September of 2016, and he asked for a divorce and began sleeping with another woman within a month.
This woman wound up leaving him in December of 2016 because he was still hung up on me. So, he came to me and asked if we could try counseling with a new therapist. I agreed because even if it didn’t work out between us, I needed to understand my role and my mistakes so I didn’t repeat them in the future with someone else.
So, what happened in detail...
Husband returned home at the end of October 2014, and by that Thanksgiving I was sick with walking pneumonia for almost 2 months. During that time it was very hard for me to do strenuous activity, so most common activities (like walking up stairs) left me breathless and in pain. This put a strain on intimacy in our marriage, and it led to my husband yelling at me about the lack of intimacy and finally adopting the refrain that he would never ask me for sex again. And I say refrain because I began to worry about our marriage and would ask him if we were ok, and he would respond by saying yes, and reminding me that he would not be asking me for sex.
In early 2015 I changed jobs to one much closer to home, giving me a 30-minute commute instead of a 2-hour one. We both thought it would give us more time together, and it did, but with it came more problems. My new job was in a bigger company with more challenging work and more work to do period. I started getting sick again, and was becoming very stressed out, so I told my husband I needed help because I was stressed and felt like I couldn’t keep up with things. He told me he didn’t “see it” and didn’t offer to help more around the house. During this time, though, he started to get really sexually aggressive with me both in and out of the house.
I eventually became so miserable and unhappy that I started to push back and tell him to stop doing things like saying sexually inappropriate things to me in public, or to stop trying to poke at my private areas while driving (both when he was driving, or when I was driving). This started a smear campaign. Suddenly not only was I lying about being stressed, but I was lying about being sick and me asking him to go to the store to pick up medicine was all me acting. He told his family, coworkers, and soldiers in his Guard unit about our marital problems. He told people I was a psychopath and that I had emotional problems, something he is still doing to this day.
And in response, people told him I was cheating on him and he needed to get a lawyer to protect himself. We started couples therapy, but the woman was really irresponsible--she kept confusing my husband and I with another couple, and was sending us emails accusing us of things the other couple had said to her or done to her. So, this obviously didn’t work and I put an end to the therapy.
I was never cheating on him. I was always home on time after work. When I went out with coworkers, I invited him and he even joined on occasion. He spent a lot of time belittling my friendships, so I hadn’t seen or spoken to my 2 close friends since our wedding in 2013. I also kept contact with best friend who had moved to New Zealand 6 years prior to a minimum (we used to chat on skype everyday for an hour to keep up with each other), because he was annoyed that I would want a maintain what he considered a fake friendship. I wound up quitting my degree program because the time I spent on that took too much time away from him and led to fights.
Finally, things got so bad that he stopped contributing to anything around the house and left me to handle it all. I paid the mortgage, and he kept paying utilities, but he stopped doing anything around the house except cutting the lawn. I found another therapist, this time in the nearest major city--they had great reviews and were featured in multiple magazine articles, had a thorough intake process, and had excellent communication. My husband wouldn’t go see her because she was downtown, and accused me of picking someone in the city so he wouldn’t go see her. I gave up when he still accused me of sabotage despite me showing him her credentials and explaining to him that the group she worked with could also help us if we need to do sex therapy or individual therapy.
When I finally moved out, he was begging me to come back after 2 weeks because he couldn’t afford the mortgage, utilities, and take care of himself or the house. I refused, and the fighting got worse until he told me he was filing for divorce. In December 2016 he came back asking if we could at least try therapy again, and I said yes. At which point he admitted he began sleeping with a woman in October 2016--a month after I had moved out--but she left him because he wasn’t over me. I will be honest that this pretty much destroyed any hope of resuscitating the relationship, and I told him that, but we both decided to at least finish the number of therapy sessions the therapist recommended we try.
I did tell him that I didn’t want to rekindle the marriage, and this sent the smear campaign into overdrive. He told me he wanted an amicable divorce, but he set up a double standard for communication--I couldn’t talk about work to him, but he could tell me about his work. I wasn’t allowed to feel sad about the way things went, only he was. I would get texts from him with jabs about me going to turn into a crazy cat lady, or telling me I’m a “stiff cock”. It got old, and I stopped responding whenever he texted. We now haven’t spoken in almost 2 weeks, and it’s nice.
So, in the end, I’m left trying to understand how much of this was due to him having untreated ADHD, and how much of it was just things like incompatibility or inability to resolve conflict effectively. My closeness to the situation makes it hard for me to see all of that, I think. Regardless, for as sad as I am that it went this way, I am glad to be away from him.