I know I'm suppose to be patient and positive, and Lord knows I've been trying, but I'm having huge issues with the emotional over reactions on the part of my ADDer.
They come in bursts and are usually very short lived (as long as I don't engage) and completely out of left field. But when they happen they leave me feeling very sad and like giving up on 'us' completely.
I try very hard not to react to it as I've come to understand that my reaction only diverts focus onto me instead of my partner when he does this. I'd rather let him sit with it and realize how much of an over reaction it was and how wrong it was (and how much of an ass**** he's being!).
The problem is when he does this IT HURTS. It hurts me soo badly no matter how I react or don't react! :((
I can be joking and laughing about something (this just happened) and he snaps about it. I go quiet and withdrawal and that's when his apologies start. And hey! that's great and all, but the problem is... that's where it ends! He doesn't ever look into fixing this emotional problem of his. He doesn't talk to anyone about it or read books about it. We just move on like nothing's ever happened. I'm tired of being treated this way by someone who "loves" me. It's like he thinks it's completely ok and normal to act this way!?!??!?!?! wtf? And yet he admits he doesn't treat anyone else like this but me!
I'm carrying this pain inside me (resentment) and the truth is when he acts like this he looks DISGUSTINGLY UGLY to me! I instantly lose all and any attraction I have for him! I find him repulsive and cruel in that moment. At times I feel 'hate' when he treats me that way. I've never had someone treat me that way and get away with it as often as he does (nearly daily)! It's DRAINING and a self esteem killer! It makes me feel like an emotional punching bag. I told him I'm glad no one sees him snap at me like that because they may even see it as verbally/mentally abusive. It's just wrong. It's wrong to treat someone you love so meaninglessly... and then in the next moment be so apologetic and say, "I love you"!?!? It's just sick and twisted... Like as though nothing ever happened....
And god forbid I have any hurt or upset feelings about how he just acted towards me!!! Woe is me if I express them! WAR HAPPENS! BIGGEST FIGHT EVER!!!
I know I'm not suppose to take his symptoms personally... But what I do take personally is when he does this so often and realizes it's wrong but doesn't seek help to stop it. I take THAT personally!!! Not nice at all...
Makes me question what I'm even doing with a person like this... ADD or not!
And things have been going so well between us... But what I'm starting to realize is that it's because I'm not reacting to his shi**y behaviours-- but the shi**y behavious are still there and not being worked on. It's exactly what he wanted! Me not reacting to his crap symptoms and him not taking responsibility for them! Perfect! not.
I'm not feeling right about this. :( I'm feeling duped.
It seems he's just going along, still acting like a jerk, even though I'm not reacting to it. I don't know how long I can do this for! It's too exhausting! I really need him to take some initiative and get help for his shi**y disposition.
What exactly does he expect from me!?!?!?!?! :'( <----- really though!?!?!?!?
Sorry... I write the same thing nearly every time, but I need to vent and get it out! again! It's the same thing over and over... I just wish he would change!
YES! I said it!!! I WISH HE WOULD CHANGE!!!!!!!!! :'(
I hate this! :'(