I've been with my husband 17 years. I feel like it's always been some issue or another. I feel like I am the only responsible one. I feel like he can't be trusted with anything significant. I feel alone. I feel he has little empathy for what he does to me. I feel like he has put me through hell and I hate who I am now. I am an angry, resentful, paranoid person because of his behavior. This weekend, I found out yet again, he was allowing porn to creep into his life. He has a sponsor and goes to SAA. I knew he was starting to look at things again and gave him the opportunity to tell me first. He didn't. He knew that was the rule. I will allow mistakes, but not dishonesty. I told him my fragile emotions can not withstand that anymore. He kept looking and I found more. He didn't try to stop. He only tries to stop when I find out. It's the same story, it's my fault and I will stop. "I should have done more to avoid looking at it again." " I should have told you." It's the same song and dance. He has tried and it is less. He has made progress. I'll give him that. However, I can't do this anymore. How many times more will there be? How many times will he hide it from me rather than be honest? How many more times will I hear empty promises? I'm an empty shell of a person now, because of all the stress. This isn't fair to me. I don't think he understands how unfair and what all of this does to me. I don't think he fully understands what porn has done to him and our relationship. We are never intimate. When we are, it's all about him. I don't know what to think and feel anymore. I feel like I'm done letting my son see his father ignore me. I just want to live in peace. I think I'm realizing he will ever be the husband I need him to be. I feel alone. No one understands what this addiction does to me. My friends think I'm just being too controlling. All men look at porn. Ya, would all men choose porn over their marriage? My hurt runs so deep and no one seems to understand me. That's the worst part.
Submitted by jade21 on 02/13/2017.