Tired of the rollercoaster

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I've been with my husband 17 years.  I feel like it's always been some issue or another.  I feel like I am the only responsible one.  I feel like he can't be trusted with anything significant.  I feel alone.  I feel he has little empathy for what he does to me.  I feel like he has put me through hell and I hate who I am now.  I am an angry, resentful, paranoid person because of his behavior.  This weekend, I found out yet again, he was allowing porn to creep into his life.  He has a sponsor and goes to SAA.  I knew he was starting to look at things again and gave him the opportunity to tell me first.  He didn't.  He knew that was the rule.  I will allow mistakes, but not dishonesty.  I told him my fragile emotions can not withstand that anymore.  He kept looking and I found more.  He didn't try to stop.  He only tries to stop when I find out.  It's the same story, it's my fault and I will stop.  "I should have done more to avoid looking at it again." " I should have told you."  It's the same song and dance.  He has tried and it is less.  He has made progress.  I'll give him that.  However, I can't do this anymore.  How many times more will there be?  How many times will he hide it from me rather than be honest?  How many more times will I hear empty promises?  I'm an empty shell of a person now, because of all the stress.  This isn't fair to me.  I don't think he understands how unfair and what all of this does to me.  I don't think he fully understands what porn has done to him and our relationship.  We are never intimate.  When we are, it's all about him.  I don't know what to think and feel anymore.  I feel like I'm done letting my son see his father ignore me.  I just want to live in peace.  I think I'm realizing he will ever be the husband I need him to be.  I feel alone.  No one understands what this addiction does to me.  My friends think I'm just being too controlling.  All men look at porn.  Ya, would all men choose porn over their marriage?  My hurt runs so deep and no one seems to understand me.  That's the worst part.

Right there with you

Oh Jade21, your post is so similar to what I'm going through, i could have written it.  I don't want anyone to go through the things I've gone through, but i will say it's nice to know i'm not alone in this.  

My 'partner' of nearly 4 years used to use porn 3x a day, would choose to stay home and use porn instead of go to dinner with me, or a movie.  would choose to use porn instead of have sex with me.  would bring porn into our sex life, which wasn't a problem in any of my previous relationships, but the way he did it with me felt so demeaning.  Like he needed it to get off.  Oftentimes he wouldn't be able to finish with me, and did he ever blame porn?  or his addiction to it?  No. it was because i was physically imperfect, and he wasn't attracted to me.  Yes, i'm so sorry i'm not an 18 year old porn star.  Yes, i'm sorry i have some extra poundage.  

I don't have a problem with porn.  I am not prudish and have used porn myself.  However, his addictive use(3x a day until i told him what an issue it was for me), and some of the ways i have felt utterly demeaned in how he has used it with me and without me, and his constant lying about it, is the problem for me.  

I feel disrespected.  Like my feelings are inconsequential.  Since he's told me that he uses porn because i'm not attractive enough, i now feel hurt and i'm struggling with not letting his cruel words and actions make me feel inadequate, but it's incredibly difficult.  I feel like he doesn't respect me enough to be honest with me.  

I've *never* been accused of being controlling, ever, in any relationship.  But me communicating how this makes me feel, and him not, i dunno, 'caring?' enough to make changes, is pushing me closer to a line where something has to happen on his end or I'm going to lose respect for myself.

so sorry

You deserve so much better. I know how hurtful it is when your husband is doing porn and lying about it. My ex was addicted to porn. One day I guess he forgot to erase the history on our home computer and when I saw the websites he was visiting (barely legal teens and so forth) I was disgusted and very hurt. I was pregnant with our child and told him that it was especially painful to find out that he was looking at other women's bodies when I was already not feeling physically attractive. He swore he would never do it again but I caught him looking at the same garbage on the computer just a few months later when I was 9 months pregnant.