I am functioning on few little sleep and a bazillion thoughts racing through my head...so my apologies if this makes no real sense or is all over the board. Honestly, even trying to put it into a meaningful thought in my head isn't working well for me.
I hope I have made it clear since becoming a member here that I love and respect my husband (ADHDer) tremendously. I hope that my posts have reflected my honest efforts to try and make my marriage something we can both we happy with. I don't ask of him what I don't expect of myself. Honesty. Kindness. Compassion. Forgiveness. Unconditional love. I don't expect perfection, truly I don't.
A little background: We separated last Fall, hit rock bottom (or did we?), and reconciled in Dec of 09 and agreed we'd try again, go to counseling, etc. No ADHD diagnosis at that point, just tired of living like we had the 6 previous years and both wanted better and different. It felt real. It felt like a turning point. It felt like the world had dropped out from under us. In addition, without going into details about it again, it felt like God was saying 'give it one more chance...and I will help you'. It just felt right. The first few months were trial and error...and a little more hell...but we got through it. Around May/June things started to really turn around for us. We rarely fought, and when we did it was over before it began. These few months were everything I had ever imagined we could have in a marriage....aside from getting the ADHD diagnosis, starting counseling, and a few small lingering issues, I was happier and more connected to my husband than I ever dreamed possible. Then he started medication....
Summation of that goes..he started Concerta and from day one he was irritable, argumentative, and everyone was back to walking on egg shells worried that he'd snap and go off on them. My daughter even noticed because it wasn't something he could hide. He was snapping at her too. Went through hell and back for even daring to mention to him that he needed another medication, that one was making him horribly mean...but his actions showed that he cared..because he went and got off of the medication..and that meant the world to me. The 4 days he was off of medication, I once again saw the kind, loving man I thought was gone forever. Then he started Vyvanse. At first it seemed like it was the answer to my prayers. No irritation, no moodiness, and it gave him a lot of energy unlike the concerta which made him a zombie. About a week into the medication, I felt some irritability creeping in, but it seemed almost as if he was aware of it, but was trying desperately to hold back and keep control of it. Last week was week 3. Our pipes froze and burst and it was a dark day, to say the least. We had a disagreement on how to proceed with the clean up (he wanted someone to come in and do it, I felt we could do it ourselves) and when I voiced my opinion ("I wish you and I had discussed it before you called someone to come in") he cussed me out. Complete with two or three "f**k you! Do it yourself!" and he left me, sobbing, in the den cleaning up the mess by myself. My reasoning didn't matter, he wouldn't even let me make a point without screaming at me. He saw my disagreeing with him as me trying to control everything. I guess it would help to explain my logic...the 'mess' in the garage was basically water...and since you literally could not walk through the area where the water was, I couldn't see how anyone could 'clean' up the water. These services don't come to 'clean' for you, they come to remove water from areas that aren't under 4 feet of junk. It made it about 4 feet into our den too...and I tried explaining how humiliated I would be for anyone to see our den...and the carpet was already ruined, so why waste their time to come clean something that is ruined from years of abuse by us and our cats? It wasn't that we sat down and had an adult discussion about it, it was that he called them and had them on the way and when I found out I literally got sick to my stomach, started to cry, he asked why, I told him "I wish we'd have talked about it" and that was all I got out..he went off and cancelled and left. He slept in the den that night...and I went to bed with hives on my body because of all of the stress of the day. I chalked it up to the fact that it was just a very stressful day and I let it go. I thanked him for trying to get it all taken care of, told him I did appreciate that, and all I was asking was for him to see my point on that one issue. We had already done most of the cleaning out and drying of the garage ourselves.
A few things that have really concerned me...last counseling session he told her that he felt like I was trying to control him again. He felt things were regressing. I posted about this..in another thread about the guitar. My only guess is that since I made an issue of him trading it in, told him how hurtful it was to see him letting it go that way after making me feel like such a schmuck so many other times and him refusing to get rid of it, that it made him feel guilty...and he was deflecting the blame on me saying I'm trying to control him to avoid feeling like he needed to apologize for hurting me. I have no other idea why he would say that. He mentioned me telling him we were only spending $20 on each other for Christmas as the example, when I pushed for specifics, but I tried explaining that was not about control it was just simply about us not having $200-$300 extra to spend on each other. With the counselors help, he finally conceded that might not have been the best example...but gave no other specifics. All I ask is specifics...if he feels I'm doing something that I certainly don't want to be doing, I need to have specifics so I know what to correct, right? In the same aspect, I don't want to spend the rest of my life being accused of controlling him everytime we disagree on something. In no way did I try to control that situation other than telling him that it hurt me to see him sneaking and trying to trade it in...I simply expressed my disappointment and got accusations of control in return.
Did hyperfocus switch off when he started meds? Did hyperfocus switch off when we disagreed about the guitar? I am certain that in his mind, it IS about me trying to control him...and that terrifies me. No matter how I slice it, it was a huge 'reason' in his mind for his unhappiness in the marriage...and let's face it, that unhappiness ended in an affair.
Is it not about hyperfocus, were the changes real and lasting...and the medications are just screwing things up? I don't know...and this terrifies me.
Our daughter has told me of a couple of times lately when they've been out and he's called me, gotten mad at me, and told her "she makes me so mad when she does that!" and I had no idea he was even mad at me. When he went to get pizza once, he called while on his way to get it. I took a hot bath because I was freezing. When he called I told him I was in the tub...he got off of the phone furious with me because I took a bath. Why? Does he just hate me? I mean why all of the anger towards me all of the sudden?
He had another guitar he's been trying to sell...someone called the other night and he told them he'd already sold id. Explaining later that he just didn't want to sell it to that person, he said it was still in the den and he hadn't sold it. The reason this would upset me is that if he'd have sold it and kept it from me...when we are struggling so badly financially. Also, I worry what he would do with the money. If it were as innocent as buying more guitar stuff, I would almost expect it...but if it were something like buying pills like he did last Spring, then I would probably have no hope for us left at all. I have no reason to believe this other than the fact that the friend I strongly suspect he got the pills from has been calling him a lot lately...but I believe the reason to be that he's recently broken up with his girlfriend and just needs an ear. My eyes and ears are open. This person popping back into the picture brings up a lot of old memories but I don't want to jump to the conclusion that my husband is doing anything wrong when it may be entirely out of his control. Anyway, when I couldn't find the guitar I asked him about it, he immediately knew I was 'accusing' and got mad. It was in the den, just like he said. I told him that I realized that being accused of lying when you aren't must be very hurtful, and I truly felt bad when I did it, asking for him in the meantime to understand that I am only human and that I hoped it could have patience and compassion and that it would get better..HAS gotten better..with time. He stayed mad all day, barely would speak to me last night, and even when I snuggled with him for a while last night, when I went to go to sleep and told him I loved him, he didn't reciprocate. I don't do this to him anymore....I get upset, and I get over it. I TRULY let it go...and he did too....for a while...but not anymore.
I feel like I am losing my footing...I feel like I am losing hope. I have gone over everything 1000 times...am I ever going to be enough? AM I doing something wrong? Is it me? Does he really hate me just as much as he did this time 14 months ago and now that the hyperfocus of losing me has worn off, it is all coming back to him? Is it just the meds? How could I even begin to face that situation again...I can assure you that if I told him I feel the Vyvanse is making him be mean to me, he would put me through hell...I am apparently no longer allowed to have any feelings that don't agree with his.
He apparently had a meltdown of sorts last week...texted me telling me what a failure he feels like he is...and said he saw no reason to keep going. I suggested he see our counselor, talk to her, I just didn't know what to say...but needless to say, it really hurt me to hear him say he felt he had no reason to keep going. He called me a little later, acted like everything was fine. ??? Later, at 11 p.m. when the meds are worn off and he's REALLY cranky and sometimes unreasonable, he brought it up and basically what I heard him saying was that he feels he can't talk to me anymore...that when he tried, I just got upset...so he would just find some other way to deal with his feelings...even saying that he was trying to avoid 'an episode' by sharing his feelings, but he guessed he would just bottle them up...so again, I am paying the price for not being strong enough right now to handle my husband telling me he has no reason to live. I'm so confused. I asked "do I just need to listen? do you just need to SAY IT to feel better? Is that all you need?" He also accused me of making him feel like he was "weird" and like I needed to fix him. I told him I could accept everything about him and would work with him for the rest of our lives, if I had the peace of mind that he would never cheat again...that that was ALL I needed him to fix...the rest we can compromise on...and I love him regardless. Needless to say I ended up cutting the conversation short and going to bed...I felt it was going nowhere good.
My only plan is to make it through the holidays...as best as I can...praying for some mercy from God that he'll give me some answers. I have none. I am terrified that he is going to try and drag our marriage in the ditch. I'm not going there with him again.
Please pray for my marriage...and my family...and my husband.