Today I am not Ok.

Today, I hurt.  This month marks the 6th anniversary of my first husbands death, the first anniversary of my mothers death, the 18th anniversary of my first wedding date, and the absolute purge of my current marriage.


(I removed most of this, because I wrote it in the heat of being so upset.  I said things that were harsh and that I know are not true about my husband, and I said things out of hurt and anger.)


That said, my heart still is heavy, and my brain is fried.  I know I was fighting my instincts here, and I have decided to follow my heart, and NOT follow my normal Vulcan like logic.  I have to show love, even when it is not returned or will be returned, because it is who I am.  And I am committed to living authentically - and that means making decisions not in the heat of anger and/or hurt - but making them with the best intentions for the one I love most in the world.  I have learned that from so many of you here. (especially you C-  though I have often wondered HOW you manage!)  I am unable to shut down my heart, and I cannot turn off my love.


He is leaving, and i will be OK - but I will be BETTER than OK if I react with love.  Even if he leaves here and we never speak again.  I know that I will have acted in love.  And he has never had that before - not even with his oldest friends.


The truth is my husband on the inside is the man I love most in the world.  Who he truly is, underneath this ill fitting mask of his.  And he need to be able to leanr and KNOW deep down inside what I already know - that he is capable, and has the ability to make it.  I want him to have the best chance, so I am offering to let him stay until he has the money to honestly get his own place.  He needs to finally, stand on his own two feet and NOT live on anyone elses success.  Most people do this when they are young, he never did.  Now is his chance to do this and find his own wings.  I do this to show love, because love isnt dependent on what you recieve, love is giving.  And I choose love.