Tomorrow is Another Day

This has happened many times.  We have a heavy conversation usually about something he did or didn't do.  I am emotional, loud, insistent, strong.  I have said I can't go on like this anymore and give some suggestions about giving ourselves both some breathing room and both be able to get our needs met in a way other than us beating ourselves up trying so hard.  He ususally says things are OK to him but "whatever". In the morning, I am distraught with the work ahead of looking for other living arrangements and the conversations and professionals that will have to be included in the untangling of our mismatch.  He is always gone in the morning so I am left with the deed alone or to wait to discuss this further.  When he does breeze in he makes no attempts at talking EVER until I am the first one to start the ball rolling.  It can take DAYS or WEEKS ---- he will NEVER be the first one to speak.  No matter what I say, he will say something unrelated like, "Do we have ice cream?" or "I took the garbage out." or "What did your sister say on the phone?"  Sometimes we laugh at how angry we both are/were.  He forgets/is not concerned/didn't hear me/denies/distracts/I don't know what he does but he has not been sick to death about our conversation like I have been.  Here is what I have learned about that.  You don't have to worry too much about your actions/words to them because an ADDer is ready and willing to forgive and forget.  Not because they owe you some forgiveness as you have forgiven so much (because they don't keep a record of past behavior) but because they did not spend a long time in the dark trenches of unhappiness and fear that you did.  They moved on from the conversation immediately after it was over and are already thinking of other non-related things.  I sometimes wonder how it came to be that we stayed married so long.  One of the reasons is that he did not let my angry trantrum words forever stick in his head like I have his actions and words in my head.   I have a LOOOOOONG laundry list of his past transgressions.  His brain doesn't carry things like that around - there is no room for that so he uses humor and denial to reflect it all.  Again, pardon me for expressing what I THINK is going on in his mind and feel free to correct me.  He doesn't share feelings or thoughts so I am trying to guess what is going on in his mind.  It has seemed he just doesn't care.  Now I know that he can't.  He must self-preserve using his tools of denial, distraction and delusion.

Not entirely the same, but

Not entirely the same, but related, I think:  I acknowledge, with much shame and regret, that I have not treated my ADHD spouse well in some ways.  I am really dealing with my negative feelings about myself because of this past bad behavior, and I'm trying to behave differently on a consistent basis.  I believe that my ADHD spouse has also not treated me well in some ways.  But I have learned that if I talk about such things, he feels SO guilty and and remorseful that he cannot act constructively and so my bringing them up messes him up to the extent that he cannot act rationally.  Therefore, all responsibility for improving behavior rests with me, and none rests with my husband.

simliar?

Although I am treating my ADHD I still have great shame and regret for my actions. I feel like I am doing better each day and have less bad behavior, but its still there and like you I am trying to behave differently on a constant basis. I know my girl acts in ways that aren’t the best but I see that its my actions that she is reacted to and if we had a big bank of loving feelings one bad thing might be okay but she has a bank of memories of all the bad things I have done. When I tried to address her changing or acting differently as a reaction to my actions she feels that now she has to work and change to deal with me instead of me fixing myself.

How to Untangle

How do you do it?  How do you untangle yourself for your own sanity from a spouse who does not work or talk to you?  I would like to split amicably but to split, I would have to what, have a van to move his things?  unlawful, ugly and not my style.  Move out myself and have papers served on him?  The house needs to be sold.  He can't keep it up/maintain it or arrange that...and won't. Live together until a divorce is finale while I get the house ready and contact a realtor and give him papers that he may or may not sign?  He does and says nothing.  However his verbal skills are good when laughing and talking with others.  He is in sales.  He turns facts around and deludes himself to be the good guy. He denies we have a problem and when I try to talk over my needs and sadness, he ignores me and then forgets it and assumes that I will take care of everything. I have been married alone all these years.  Now, I realize I don't know how to get divorced alone - or if I can even do that without him signing something - which he says he won't.  His spirits are good.  He is constantly laughing and says I should lighten up. I can't understand how he can be so jolly when I am so sad.  That alone makes me think there are other women in his life. There are piles of overdue bills (for his own business) he doesn't take care of or sign. The telephone company has disconnected his business line.  He owes them over $2000.   I need a financial advisor and a legal advisor that I can trust - I don't know people in those areas. I worked part time for over 20 years when the kids were young so I don't have much Social Security for my retirement years...half of what he will get.  He has made no contribution to retirement money since 1985.  I have some but would have to give half to him.   Something needs to be done here as he is spiraling out of control (and denying it) with his lack of attention to ANYTHING other than crossword puzzles, smoking cigars, chatting, drinking beer and doing home projects.  He lies to me daily about where he is and what he is doing.  I feel screwed if I do something and screwed if I don't.  Any ideas?

Start with a lawyer

Jenna-

If you have definitely made up your mind that you want to proceed with a divorce, you need to get legal help. Check for organizations in your area that may offer free or reduced-fee consultations based on income level (I have no idea what you guys make, so maybe this wouldn't be an option). Try to get recommendations from family or friends--it's better to start this process with a professional whom you trust to lead the way.

If you've really reached this point, you need to act out of self-preservation. You can't be concerned with what he may say about you or how friends might see you. Just continue to show nothing but respect, to yourself and to him, throughout this process--that way, if he does say anything negative about you, it will be clear to everyone that he's not being truthful.

But if you're not 100% sure about the divorce, seek counseling (sorry, haven't read all your other posts so not sure whether you've already been down this path). If he won't go with you, go alone.  Use those sessions for whatever you need--reconnect with your own happiness, make up your mind, find ways to prevent his behaviors from affecting you--a qualified counselor should be able to help you pinpoint whatever it is you need and help you chart a plan to achieve it.

I feel for you--I know what it's like to be married but feel mostly alone. I am still hopeful that my DH and I will be able to find our way back to being happy together, but I've also set boundaries in terms of how much sacrifice I'm willing to make. And if we reach that line, I'll have to look into ways to proceed with "untangling" too.