Real quick, I am the one with ADD, was diagnosed in 2010 and started medication, seeing someone professionally and making the necessary changes for myself. During this time, my wife the non-add spouse started to take care of herself, establish her support system and ensure that she/we do not go back to what we were. Before ADD I could not understand or figure out why she was what I thought "running away" from me/us? Why she was not talking to me, why she stopped all physical and emotional contact with me. I was frustrated, confused, pissed and everything else you can think of. Yes, I also did almost everything that a ADD person would do without knowing it like it has been posted on this website. We both are responsible for this marriage falling apart. So in Oct we started a "in-house" separation, where after the kids went to bed (around 7ish) I would go downstairs and she would stay upstairs and our evenings were our alone time. It did bring us some peace and some understanding but she was still not communicating with me. I was at my wits end, ready to wave the white flag and start the divorce procedure. Then I was introduced to a link about "healing separation" and how instead of couples shooting from the hip or going to a lawyer, this link gave structure on how to handle a separation. I sent this to her and a few days later she said she liked this so we set a date and talked. So Dec 12, 2010 we talked and agreed on the separation and what we both wanted, so I asked her to write everything down so we could sign it and be held accountable for what we agreed to. She said she would, then a week went by and nothing but I did notice that my wife started to be the mean cold person she has been for the last 3-4 months. Could not understand until yesterday when I finally asked her what was going on.
She tried on a dress for her office party and asked me what I thought about the dress. I said she looked amazing and beautiful and that I liked the dress so she said she would wear it. I sent her the following e-mail the day after..."I need to tell you that last night was one of the 1st nights in a long time that you have taken my breath away! I have not "seen" you through my eyes for a long time like I did last night, when you had that dress on. It was a good feeling, it was good to say WOW and have my breath taken away by you. You looked very beautiful in that dress!"
The next night, one of her friends came over and talked her into another dress that she said she did not want to wear. So I was disappointed that she chose the other dress, but now I understand why she did.
Yesterday, Sunday, was supposed to be family time and it turned out that it was not, she said that she/we did not have conceret plans to have Sunday, the whole day, as family day. Granted, I was supposed to work Sat nigh (11p - 7a) but I was cancelled so that threw a wrench into the day but was pissed that she chose to be away. We talked a bit more which is when I found out why she reverted back to her "old" self. She said the email I sent was too much too soon and that she went back into her walls because she could not handle what I sent. Told her that I was just happy that after 4-5 months of being treated like crap that she would actually ask me what I thought, what I would like for her to wear that I just excited and happy. I did apologize for being "happy and excited" and that I would not show her next time. We also talked about money, schedules and other stuff, She also said she is looking for a therapist but has had no luck in finding one and does not want to get out the phone book and call. I am going to suggest some sites for her, ADHD sites/resources so she can use them if she wants.
Guess we are back at square 1, which I thought we were at least on square 3, but 1 is better than -1. I am also going to write down everything we talked about during our separation talk so that we know what to expect for the next 4 months.
So my reactions, I did not think it was too much too soon, just wanted to show her that her decision to include me made me feel very happy and very excited, but looking back, was it too much too soon? Need some advice on my reaction, do I need to hold it in, just smile and say she looks nice and be happy with that? Did I hyperfocus on that she asked me what I thought and took it too far?