And after one month separated hes in the open relationship he asked for with someone else. We've been married for 14 years. Both of us had traumatic experiences in our early childhoods which were especially difficult due to family alcoholism. Being with him was like a breath of fresh air after home life. They say you should live independently before marrying and now I think they're right.
We muddled on for the first decade though we both did things we weren't proud of. I committed to him though I got the sense he just didn't know what to do with himself. He wanted me and two kids and had kept full time jobs. Seemed to be a functional young adult. It did seem odd that there were things he completely avoided like porn but I thought it was sweet. Later I found he would lose the capability to distance himself from being compulsive with it and other ADHD associated activities.
He got laid off from a long time job and started working in a bar. We both drank a fair amount until I was working and going to school several years ago. Then he started to drink heavily and I did at rare family functions. I get it now, the feeling of abandonment and jealousy that I knew what I wanted out of life and was getting it. Being privileged in neurotypical brain structures...having focus. And I took on the bills, shopping, all other paperwork. Wasn't worth a fight or it not getting done.
We have our child and the kid is really hyperactive. It seems to be a real struggle for the husband, especially due to his sleep schedule, and he lashes out at me. I make do like I always have, asking for little, though I do snap back these days instead of retreating into myself and crying like I used to. Eventually his parenting gets better, the kid stops teething as bad, my only issues are the lack of income or scaling expenses down to match what we have, the drinking and the weird communication style. The intense and random interests I could deal with until they cost actual money or opportunity. It got to the point where I was literally calling him to the table every night for dinner while I minded our child.
I go to this training and it's like a bolt of lightning. Shoot, this is the thing in our relationship and now that I know his quirks aren't willful and I learned some techniques it's like a new lease on the marriage. ADHD, yeah he conveniently missed an appointment in high school where it was predicted to be diagnosed. When he got crushed under looking at the big picture and not getting the sort of structure from school and the family and was floundering. He calls it depression and he has been referring to feeling it again since last year.
A week after the training he said something that sparked his introspection that I had mentioned made him want to come clean. He's had several girlfriends in this marriage unbeknownst to me. The spark is far past gone. And it is somewhat true and I was really working on my libido as self improvement. But we have an infant. And he hasn't exactly tried to romance me or help me find time for us. His time is devoted to finding a hit of dopamine without me. 90% of the time that includes booze and I've yet to find too many things that turn me off as fast.
He doesn't want counseling. He doesn't want monogamy. It's have his cake and eat it too or nothing. So naturally I tell him it's over. He could have spoken up about his discontent before making that decision and his heavy drinking hasn't helped with being a decent person. He's considering being polyamorous as his identity now. The truth is we were playing house and it was a house of cards that fell so fast once he got laid off. It's really a difficult purgatory we are in now where he's said some really nasty stuff to me in anger because I choose to leave but he's also appearing to be somewhat considerate given the circumstances. I need to use some of that innate focus I have and file for divorce. One thing I'm quite sure of is he won't beat me to the punch.