Hi all, 

I have posted a few times over the years regarding our various struggles as a couple and for my ADHD husband. We have been together for 17 years.

He was diagnosed in 2009 and started treatment then. Since then he has a tried a few different medications, goes to therapy (albeit inconsistently). Over the last approximately 3 years, things have gotten increasingly worse. I would say worse than before diagnosis and treatment. His mindset is extremely negative, his behaviour is terrible on many respects - argumentative, confrontational, sometimes verbally abusive, spending uncontrollably, complaining and blaming constantly (whatever happens is usually caused by me. "Because you" starts most arguments on his part. Didn't used to be like that. Don't get me wrong, there were issues before he was diagnosed - the diagnosis actually was a "ah ah" moment - giving him/us understanding and hope. But he was not like this. This is not the man I know.

I am overwhelmed, overloaded, hyper stressed, exhausted, crying most days. I have health issues myself and have to manage my stress - was diagnosed with epilepsy just last year and my main trigger is stress. 

Sleep is an issue - he doesn't go to bed. Watches tv, plays video games. Then can't get going in the morning although the first thing he does is get on his phone to play games. He eats crap. I cook a lot and we eat healthy at home. But at work he won't bring his lunch from home and eat junk food with lots of cola. He will have cookies for breakfast, with a cola.  Doesn't exercise.

I have been begging him to talk to his doctor and therapist, there is something seriously wrong here. He is not himself. He says he has.

Yesterday, Christmas day, just the 3 of us with our daughter, I made all meals, cleaned up after meals and gift openings, while he played on his phone. If I ask for help (by the way, i despise the word "help" in a relationship. It implies that it is my job and I need help. I prefer to us "contribution". But yesterday I used "help", I was desperate.). Anyway, when I asked for help, he sounded surprised that I needed help, came to the kitchen for 5 minutes then went back to his phone.

Today, he read me something he wrote. He has realized that he is a burden we would be better off without him. He is incapable of making any changes or progress. He is useless. The way he eats and manages his life, he will probably die young because of it and we will be better off. It's not as if I want to be with him anyway, I am miserable and it's all his fault but he can't do anything about it. He doesn't want to end his life but that is just the way things will continue to be. If only we could just live normally with the way things are.

I can't though, not this way. How can I possibly be loving and caring when I am so overwhelmed and exhausted? Plus, I find extremely hurtful that, after years of me doing everything I can to support him, this is how he feels. Sees nothing positive. If I didn't want us together or saw hope for the future, I wouldn't be here. I want us together, as a family. His response? He knows what is best for me and I am not listening to him. But he's not living or ending his life. Just that is he has a heart attack for example I shouldn't do anything about it. 

I don't know what to do.