Tried everything?

Hello, I have been married for 7 years to my INATTENTIVE ADD husband.  He wasn't diagnosed with ADD until after we were married.  He is a really nice guy and is great at playing with the kids BUT.... fill int he blank with all the usual things.  He doesn't pick up, he pays me little attention, our sex life is horrible (he can't "finish the job" and yes, we've been to a dr), he can't remember to do anything, his communication is horrible and he shows no emotions - at all.

I realize I am NOT perfect.  I am a recovering alcoholic and have spent the last 2.5 years in recovery really looking at my part in things.  So here we are.  I've been in therapy for about 10 years.  We tried it together and he either doesn't talk or ''can't'' show up. I've given him numbers/info for therapists, dad's groups, add men's support groups, etc. He never follows through and i am so DONE taking care of him in every way possible. It is like I have FOUR children, not three. I also realize this is a common complaint.

I feel like in the past 2 years especially, I have grown by leaps and bounds and am starting to really enjoy life. I should also say that I have been in AA for almost 3 years now. A lot of my drinking was to just numb out - I guess now that I'm sober I've realized that I'm not all that happy with him. I told him last week how I feel and he said nothing. NOTHING. And he is acting like everything is okay. Our sex life is non existent and it's like he is confident ONLY if I'm a mess. I'm outgoing and always doing things and he is pretty much a home body. I feel like we both need time - him to be on his own FOR ONCE IN HIS LIFE, to realize that I am so very serious about changes being needed, and for him to hopefully gain some confidence (through taking care of himself). Me - to really take inventory of what I want.  right now we are basically roommates.   I love him for sure and can tell him anything.  But right now, I am not even close to being in love with him.  I feel like I've tried.  I am overcome with guilt esp b/c I know so much of this is his ADD.  Please, help!

That being said, he has really hung in there through my recovery and my depression. Side note:  he didn't even know I was an alcoholic and I didn't hide my drinking.   He IS a good playful dad and has a good job. I'm home with the kids right now (3.5, 3.5, 20 months) but am starting up a tutoring business to bring in some income (for a separation?). I know that no one can ultimately tell me what to do, but I guess I would love to hear from others who have separated.Does it really give you perspective to separate? Is there any sort of process I would follow? I've heard that all separating does is keep you apart until you are happier then you get back together to just be in the same exact position. I have three little kids - how would I explain this to them?  Is there anyway to make this decision easier?

I am terrified to separate only to realize I made a mistake (and maybe not get him back) but I am also so terrified of things NEVER changing. I am totally overcome with anxiety right now. Please, any advice would be great.

 

Changes

Hello.  First of all, great job staying sober 2.5 years!  That takes great commitment and strength.  I'm happy your husband was there as support even if not husbandly.  It does sound like you are working very hard on becoming a healthy whole while your husband doesn't really find anything to be wrong and need changing. 

I've never separated so I can't give you any insight.  It might be the spur your husband needs to do the work to identify and solve the relationship issues.  It may give you perspective on what you would miss.  I would hope, however, that it wouldn't need to come to that.  As my Grandmother used to say, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder... For someone else." 

Not enabling and not parenting our spouses are critical to marriages.  I haven't quite figured out how not to do those things consistently, but I have been trying to not jump in to solve things.  Instead turn it around to ask him how he thinks it could have gone better, or how could he have assured that he wouldn't drop the ball.  We have a long way to go. 

Good luck.