I'm not talking about $$$.
I'll start with TIME ....being diagnosed a few months ago and being 45.Yes very late in life, which I believe I can write about the cost of having ADHD as an adult. I have spent alot of time reading and asking many questions about my disorder. Which has also made me think of all the wasted time in my life. The countless missed opportunities I could have capitalized on if I were more attentive especially to the ones I hold close to me.....my own lil family.
I will never get that back ....ever.
My wife hurting her self-esteem in ways that I could not imagine, this is the woman I LOVE with all my heart .To be upset with her because I blame her for so much.......No.....I am upset with ME .....had I known about my disorder in time I know I wouldn't have hurt our relationship as I had done. I would have gotten control of my behaviors through meds and therapy alot sooner than a few months ago. As with any marriage we went up and down. Looking back a vast portion could have been easily talked out.....but I couldn't because I have very very poor communication skills this I've always known but not why until now. The thoughts racing through my head telling my mouth what say was at best gibberish. Then a question is asked an when I am trying to answer I stammer trying to piece a coherent answer together , I am darn near automatically lying. Especially when memory recall is all jumbled up. I have hearing loss as well which never helps because I am being told that I'm not listening . Often I hear most of what is being said but missing parts of the conversation I get confused or misinterpreted what is being said.Then as most know it usually doesn't get better but worse. I know if I had a mediator or someone to interpret actually what I am saying our relationship would be alot better. Alas , there is none so the situation gets worse over time because nothing is ever really settled.I see and hear the frustration from both sides and when it's done I walk away more hurt and feeling very inadequate. I believe she feels the same .
Withdrawing from everyone at home another waste of time.
Over the last couple months I have had issues at work, chronically late, not paying attention, and not understanding directions. I have a very dangerous job as a high voltage lineman on a government base. I was given ultimatums that if I keep making mistakes I would lose my position. We are not wealthy by no means , we almost live paycheck to paycheck.
We both work, since 2011 I have had 5 jobs , i was fired from 2 and quit 2 , holding on to this one. So I am constantly fearful of losing this one. With that I had really stay on my GAME atleast till someone else screwed up. That took ALL my energy mentally and physically to do. I try to keep work at work and home at home but I couldn't. I did tell her about an altercation between myself and a coworker. Not a big deal just being put down and teased but I handled it in my opinion well. We both walked away better friends for it. There's another issue involving work.....clearances . I was instructed that i needed to go further into explanation of my credit and criminal history. No big deal about the criminal part . Except something that I did when i was 18 . Not bad....I did tell my wife about but I had forgotten some of it and didn't tell her, when she read what it was She accused me of lying. I never lied to her or anyone about it . it turned out to actually be wrong which i had to explain . Sorry got to back up a couple days ....she called me at work and asked if there was something i needed to tell her?
I answered about what? She said i knew. I said about what ?
Then she said I knew and if i didn't want her to know than so be it. Later I found out it was about my incident when I was 18. Told her the truth and she told me I was a liar, of course i got upset and contacted my stepmother to reinforce my side because she was there 25 years ago and still had all the paperwork. That got my wife even more pissed. Thinking me and my stepmother was against her. When in reality all i was doing was trying to prove i wasn't lying. ( which if you read my comment about ADD ers lying you'll get a better picture of why this particular behavior is a HUGE one). All the while having those issues at work and home ......I withdrew to silence and avoidance from her. Only as a way to keep me from going out of my mind. Even with meds my mind still feels like I'm going a 100 mph at night with no lights and in a hurricane.
She left me 3 weeks ago . I feel abandoned and ashamed , hurt, and alone. I regret not chasing after her and just letting her walk away but if I did I felt it would just make it worse. Because I definitely was in no mental shape to try. I LOVE HER WITH ALL MY HEART AND I AM STILL IN LOVE WITH HER.
She knew that i was having med issues trying to get the pdoc to change them , which appt is next week and finding a therapist to help but that's slow too( got one tomorrow can't wait ) took 3 weeks to get one that is ADD adult and relationship certified. I asked her to ask her therapist to see both but they thought it best that i didn't join them. Nor did she ask for a referral to one. REALLY .....I plainly was asking for help and I got nothing. That's why I'm on the internet, youtube and reading books . and in forums looking for help and educating myself on the effects of ADD in a marriage.
More wasted TIME. I was told many times to take care of me and she'll take care of her. It's my issue( problem ) not hers,
I have hearing that for months . I know that I've not been as attentive to anyone lately but I do not get the whole abandoning thing. Especially as we both found out the root cause of so many symptoms. She has her own mental disorders that I will not mention due to the fact that I accept her as she is. Not using that as an excuse to justify myself in an way SHAPE ,FORM or FASHION. Waste of time again to try to do it. It's ME all me and I take credit and responsibility for how our relationship is broken. She has tried to support and encourage me alot. Low energy, sex drive, and sleep apnea.....which now I understand to be side symptoms of my disorder. So we were trying to fix me but it comes out that all them were overlaying symptoms of my ADD also. So I once again have to take full responsibility for my actions .
Like I keep saying a lot of wasted TIME. I don't blame her for leaving the situation. I truly do not. I hope and pray that we can reconcile our relationship. I know the person she is . If i could only get her to accompany me to therapy I believe it would shed alot of light on both of our behaviors.
Well there you go ....i put it out there. So please if you agree or disagree all your comments and suggestions will be accepted with an open mind and heart. I do this to help me .....SO PLEASE HELP this man that doesn't have much TIME to waste.
Thank you for reading,
lineman, I read your first
Submitted by Bou (not verified) on
lineman, I read your first post in another thread, and thought, wow, he's doing his darndest to look at things as they are, and tell the truth about what he sees in himself. And just read this post. i had the same reaction.
yes, I'm praying for the two of you. I hope you two do get some time with a good therapist. My guess is that you need someone with more than superficial knowledge from clinical practice about ADHD and about your wife's challenges.
A guess about your situation from the side of the person in our relation without ADHD? Therapist or no, you need to listen to what your wife says her problems are in the relation. your problems arent hers. she has her own. My partner, who has a quick mind, tends to jump the gun and presume after I've started to talk that he knows my mind and I'd say about 80% of the time his conclusions are what he thinks, and he's 'way off regarding guessing my needs, thoughts, etc. Believe me, he's not a mind reader! And it frustrates the sox off of me that he so often interrupts my first sentence to tell me what i'm thinking or to tell me he doesnt need to hear the rest of my sentence...and he's so very often 'way off. I think this is often an ADHD thing. maybe his, not yours, but if you two are separated there is something you need to learn from her, not from this website, if you're going to do things that matter to her enough to try again with you
let her talk, listen all the way through, make sure you understood her, if she's talking about her problems in the relation. If she doesnt have the habit of expressing herself, or if you interrupt her or tell her what she's thinking often, you're going to have to be patient, because she's going to be taking risks to tell you whats really in her heart
I know she needs to hear you on some things and believe and trust them. I know. There are two sides to the split and one of them is yours. but there's her side too, and only she can tell her problems and needs.
With the help of a good therapist, I hope, but whatever you do dont waste time with a therapist who doesnt listen to both of you and who is unable to coach with some real knowledge of ADHD and of her challenges.
very best,
Bou
Thank you ,Bou and Mellissa
Submitted by lineman1010 on
Lineman, go for it. : )
Submitted by Bou (not verified) on
Lineman, go for it.
: )
for Lineman
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
My heart goes out to you, and I hear your pain. I also agree with the poster who said that you sound as if you are trying to confront the issues that your ADHD has brought to you. As you do so, you will certainly experience more grief and regret. Rather than get angry, allow yourself to both feel that grief and forgive yourself your past. You didn't know, and you did the best you could do. Now, of course, it's time to move on and do differently.
I would argue, for example, that reading up on ADHD and what you can do about it is NOT wasted time. ADHD is one of the most treatable issues you can have...learning more about it is critical to moving away from having it run your life. Statistically, you have a very good chance of getting your symptoms under control IF you take managing the ADHD seriously (including lying, BTW, which is not a symptom, but which is common...see this post and those that will follow). Go to my online treatment guide for some information about effective treatment for adult ADHDand make SURE to download the free chapters on treatment of adult ADHD. READ THEM!!
Perhaps you can make a list for yourself of the disrespectful things you've done to your wife (never mind the disrespect she has shown you - that's for later). Then start making a plan to move away from those behaviors.
Don't wait for someone else to set you up with a doctor. Find someone yourself. You can look at my referrals page; put your zip code into the PsychologyToday.com therapist finder (make sure to search for ADHD expertise!); or Google "adult ADHD treatment" with the name of your town or area. If it's too overwhelming a task, contact Nancie Kohlenberger (the coauthor of my second book) who works as a ADHD individual and marriage consultant by phone and Skype (as I do). She is listed on the referrals page in CA. Depending upon your specific issues, you might also wish to consider an ADHD coach (see bottom of the referrals page.)
If you want your wife to seriously consider getting back together again, you will need to actively be able to show her that you have a plan, that you are executing it, and that you are making progress. Thinking about doing something, or feeling sorry for yourself, aren't going to move her much. You must take concrete action, over time, that produces results.
If you feel deep love for her still, it is possible (no guarantees on this) that somewhere inside she also feels love for you. At the moment you probably won't be able to influence her much...except through improving the management of your ADHD. So that's the direction to head in. And, if you wish to learn more about what went on between you that led to her walking out, consider reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage (or downloading the audiobook from this site.)
Best of luck in moving ahead.