Trusting your ADHD husband

My husband has had multiple Internet/phone sexual encounters with multiple women over the course of our seven year relationship. At one point we separated (he moved out) after he moved back in I found out from his son he had been out with a woman (he took the child with him!!) soon after that I became pregnant. Shortly after the baby was born he once again he was sexting and having women calling him again! At that point he agreed to marriage counseling and ADHD treatment. After one month he quit meds and counseling. According to him he didn't need it because he knows he is done with all that and he doesn't want to lose me and our children. He claimed he was addicted to the thrill of getting women to want him and he liked seeing how far they would go to have him. This makes me SICK when I think about it!! I feel like the past 10 months he has been on track and doing good (I keep him on a short leash). The fear that this is going to happen again is tearing me apart! I am back in college and working on my bachelors so I will have something to fall back on if it does. I have two children of my own and I take care of his too, I don't have a job (due to cost of daycare). My husband behaves like a big kid and resents my parenting him. He has put us in debt, he is so messy and unorganized, he is on the verge of losing his drivers license due to a large amount of tickets and wrecks, (we were lucky to find auto insurance). His unfaithfulness and childish behavior have made me less attracted to him. He is loving and always tells me he is attracted to me and wants me forever (even when he was cheating). I want to stay with him (if he stays faithful) but I cant seem to get the feelings I use to have for him back. When you know your adhd husband is impulsive, how do you learn to trust him again? How do you change the mother/child relationship with your adhd husband back into husband/wife relationship? -- P.S he will not take meds.

What a situation. So sorry to

What a situation. So sorry to read about it. Normally, I'd probably comment that it takes patience, teamwork, that he should obviously commit to therapy and meds.
You know, the things you say when there's a good chance that the person is likely to change.

You don't know me, so please take what I write with a large grain of salt. Only do what you feel comfortable with, and take care of yourself and your kids.

My immediate gut reaction when I read this was simply to say: "Leave him. Just leave him. He's not going to change."

But it's not that simple, is it? You have to pay for daycare, and you're kind of stuck for a while.

So what I'd recommend is this. (Again, take this with a grain of salt. I'm not a counsellor or therapist, but I am the wife of an ADDer.) Find a way, if you can, to get back into the job market. Or go to school part-time to train for a job you'll enjoy. Are there student grants or loans you can access? Look for a job that matches your needs, pays reasonably well, and that you can train for in a short time. Or start a low-overhead business that matches your interests and talents.

While you're doing that, make every effort to encourage your SO to seek therapy and go on meds. Do this so that if you leave, you'll know you tried really hard. And maybe he'll surprise you. Sometimes people do if they know what they might lose.

Once you're in a better financial position, make the decision to stay or leave based on what he has sown with his behaviours.

Wishing you the best of luck! Stay strong.

Same Problem

Very sorry to hear of your situation :(  I can relate.  I had the same problem with my husband (we are now separated and going through a divorce--we were married 11 years).  Early in our marriage my husband was really into online porn--I'd catch him on the computer at 3 am all the time--It always bothered me and we'd fight about it early on, but then it kind of became a joke.  Five years into our marriage I found out he'd been having an affair with someone at work.  I was devastated-- we had a 6 month old and 2 yr old at home... I was a stay-at-home mom;  I felt totally trapped.  I stayed because I didn't want my kids growing up in daycare and I was afraid to have to make it on my own, but in all honesty, I never looked at him the same after that.  He had been my 'hero'-- it crushed me...  We went to counseling, but it didn't help very much.  He blamed me for his affair because he wasn't getting enough attention and he never really took full responsibility for what he had done. 

I did not trust him AT ALL.  But gradually (and I mean very gradually), I started to trust him again.  To be quite honest, it took years before I completely trusted him and felt he wouldn't ever jeopardize our family again.  Well, a year and a half ago I went to grab for my cell and grabbed his by accident..... you can tell where this is going.....  He had been having 'online/texting affairs' with multiple women--including the one from the first time.  Honestly, I never saw it coming.  He said it was just "a fantasy", and that he would never have acted on it.  But in the emails he kept asking when they could meet, so really the only reason he hadn't acted on it was because I caught him. 

When I went to a marriage counselor to see about saving my marriage (b/c at that point all the pieces came together and I finally figured out that ADHD explained a lot of problems in my marriage--I've read that cheating has nothing to do with ADHD, but there is definitely something going on with the impulsivity), she told me, "My advice to you is to leave him.  He isn't going to change."  I was pretty shocked.  I tried to get him to see a doctor which he finally did, but unfortunately, it was the wrong doctor.  My husband was unwilling to do anything after that. (And he refused the idea of meds as well.)

So, basically, everything's a mess.  He financially ruined us, the only child support I get is garnished from his wages, the kids and I will soon be forced to move out of our house into an apartment b/c he wasn't paying the mortgage and the home is going into foreclosure, and this is only one of MANY debts he's left us with, oh, yah, including my student loan from 11 years ago which I now 'get back' since he put it on forbearance for so many years.

My advice--if he won't seek some type of treatment, get your degree and GET OUT. 

Good Luck--

Me too!!!

My husband can't control himself.  He is always looking on craigslist and backpage for escorts.  They end up emailing and/or having phone sex.  I want to believe he hasn't been physical with anyone but how am I supposed to believe he hasn't?  What do you guys think?  It would be stupid not to think so but when I ask him he cries and says he would never do that to me. 

We are separated now.  Part of me hopes he will change but I think its temporary.  I think not having me around makes him miss me but once he gets me back things will slowly go back to the way they were.  My husband also doesn't take meds.

I wonder about the trust thing too but what they are doing to us is a BIG deal.  They can be jeopardizing our health and future.  I'm scared.  I wish I had an answer for you. 

Sounds familiar.

I have 3 little kids and feel very stuck in our relationship as well, I did leave and we reconciled, but most often I feel like I had probably been better off staying away.  I have just become so numb to the fact that he has to look at porn at any available moment, on the computer, TV, Blackberry, etc.  He doesn't do a very good job of hiding it, like looking at it in the bathroom at 3am, but I can hear it over a really loud and sensitive baby monitor 2 rooms away.  I don't expect a partner to NOT look at it, but it's very hurtful when it is a constant, none of the women he searches for look anything like me, and we have no sex life.  Not sure if he has cheated on me, but I wouldn't put it past him.  Oh, and he hasn't had a drivers liscence for years because of accidents and other tickets he forgot to pay. 

 

Anyways, without a full-on thread hijack, I just want to tell you that I know how you feel.  I just have no good answers.  Good luck hon.