Submitted by Libby on 05/04/2018.
My DH has ADD along with Bipolar and possibly OCD. He is not medicated. I have one adult son diagnosed OCD and ADD. Another son diagnosed ADD. Non of this is ever talked about. My adult children watch the interactions between my husband and I and see it as fighting. Only my daughter know my husbands diagnosis. My sons are not really approachable on this topic. They do not realize what causes the chaos. What do you tell your family members about your life as far as mental health issues? How do you or hurt your children with all of this?
I know my son three adult
Submitted by Libby on
I know my son three adult sons see me as the problem and maybe I have been with my lack of acceptance. They really have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.
Personally, I think satan
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
Personally, I think satan loves for us to keep things in the dark. That’s where misunderstandings and miscommunications grow and fester. That doesn’t mean we should shout our problems from the rooftop. I don’t even tell our personal struggles to extended family. However, my husband and I have been very honest about our struggles with our children. We all have strengths and we all have weaknesses. No one is perfect. I think this is somewhat comforting to our kids because they know that they aren’t expected to be perfect. In return, our kids have been open and honest with us about their struggles. I’m sure there’s a point where parents should draw the line and not share too much with their kids. I hope we’ve used good judgement and not crossed that line. Only time will tell.
The key point you made is "My
Submitted by Libby on
The key point you made is "My husband and I". Without my husband speaking too it is nothing but bad mouthing. Honest conversations just do not happen here.
I’m not certain that your
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I’m not certain that your husband should be allowed to make ALL of the decisions in your marriage, especially if he’s lacking good judgement and clear thinking. Your mental health and happiness are equally important to his. If he isn’t willing or able to acknowledge problems, I’m not sure that gives him the right to jeopardize your relationship with your children. As far as ‘bad mouthing’ goes, i think it depends on how you frame the discussion. Your children will probably know whether you’re coming from a place of care and concern or a place of anger and revenge.
All that being said, my children think that my husband hung the moon and think that I’m the mean parent. Like so many others here, I’m mostly the one that’s been in the trenches everyday doing the strict parenting. They don’t think his adhd is that big of a deal and they don’t see how much it has impacted our marriage. They believe that I blow things out of proportion and overreact. I understand where your coming from. I truly hope you’ll find a way to make your needs a priority without causing more problems within your family.
Thank you for your
Submitted by Libby on
Thank you for your understanding.
My oldest son
Submitted by GoingCrazyADHDx2 on
My oldest son feels the same way but he also has ADHD. He holds his father on a pedestal and I'm always the bad guy. My other children who dont have ADHD understand that the fighting is both our faults... in some ways they are right... But how does one cope with this? Being the strict parent, the one to manage every important detail, to have the majority of everything and anything important fall on your plate... Plus manage 4 children... Our family is miserable. I unfortunately dont have the answers but I wish you all the best and just know from the bottom of my heart that you're not alone and my heart goes out to you!!
Adult Children.....
Submitted by c ur self on
We have 4 adult children, she had two boys when we married... (10 years ago) And I had two girls....Only the youngest boy lived with us from age 16 through age 20...They are presently ages (boys..28 & 31)...(Girls 36 & 39)...The youngest boy is diagnosed add...The youngest girl is diagnosed adhd...None at the level of my Wife....And none are in denial, both can freely talk about it...My daughter refuses meds...But she actively manages her behavior and doesn't make excuses...The youngest boy has been on and off of meds, mostly off, he took them in high school at times, and at times over the last few years of college....He recently graduated in Mechanical Engineering....He doesn't make excuses either....
Adult's are just that, adults....Not accountable to us any longer....They also just want one thing for their parents....To see them living a happy life together....But the stark difference in our children is because of who and how they were raised...Also w/ us blood connection is present to some degree as you would imagine, but it doesn't hinder love and relationships....
I have talked openly with all four of the adult children about the problems in our marriage....The boys do not want to talk about it, because it's all they know of their mother, they were forced to live in the hoarded up mess, the outburst and the control....They grew up w/ frivolity and good times being the most important things discussed and pursued....They have taken on the same mind-set....But they are good young men and are learning about responsibility more every year, the hard way;)....But they love their mother, and are (along w/ her sisters and other immediate family members) her biggest enablers...They turn a blind eye or will just verbally chastises her (like a misbehaving puppy) when she over steps or says something disrespectful or rude....It's a very dysfunctional relationship, that can't happen w/ us...Because she will just cower down with them...With me, pointing it out meets defensiveness and she will get as ugly as you want...LOL>....
I wouldn't concern myself w/ the adult children when it comes to boundaries...They may or may not understand, but, you can just tell them if they make a request....Your Father and I must have boundaries due to our huge differences, so we can live as peacefully as possible together on a daily bases....Boundaries protect us both from behaviors we each disagree with....If setting boundaries to protect from abuses and chaos offends your adult children, then their view of life needs to change....Being adults they will have enough to concern themselves with protecting their own peace....
just my thoughts...
My wife's and the son's add plays out as laziness toward responsibilities to a large degree...My daughter's adhd plays out more toward the Hyper.....
C
You have asked a BIG question
Submitted by dvance on
You have asked a BIG question. We have many mental health issues in my family currently and in the past. Alcoholism runs in my family, as does depression and anxiety. Both of my sons know that. My husband is the ADHD person, currently unmedicated. He was deployed for 8 months and came back with a healthy dose of PTSD. My two sons were too young to remember that, but we have talked about it since. Six years ago, when the boys were in 6th grade and 8th grade, my husband up and left. Nervous breakdown, midlife crisis, PTSD returning, I don't really know. He was in an inpatient psych ward for a week before he left. We were both very open with the boys at that time. He saw a counselor for a long time after that. All four of us had to go with him a few times. I saw a counselor for years for anxiety (I would argue anyone who lives with ADHD people--husband and both sons over here--is going to suffer from anxiety) and I continue to take anti-anxiety meds. Both of my boys know that about me. My oldest son (18 now) has issues with drugs and alcohol when he was 16 and was at an inpatient rehab place for 8 weeks. He saw an addiction counselor for a year after that. About two months ago he asked to go back to a counselor and said he may want to get on some anti-depressants. I think that is a good mature thing. We are very very open among the four of us BUT the boys do not see the affects of ADHD on the marriage because they have it too and generally boys are pretty oblivious to what goes on around them, let along between their mom and dad. For example, they would not know that their dad cannot be on our bank accounts because he is lousy with money--that's not appropriate. They don't now that I manage all the bills for the same reason. They don't know that we haven't had sex in years because he is not interested despite my best efforts--that's not appropriate for kids to know. They don't see that when I start a conversation with their dad, he is likely to huff and sigh and make such a production of having to listen to me that I don't bother talking to him much any more. They don't see that when I do try to have a conversation he interrupts with whatever crosses his mind or catches his eye and the original conversation is never returned to. They don't see that when I text him something I may or may not get an answer, so I have mostly given up texting him. They don't see us fighting, but they don't see us talking either. We are rarely in the same room together and we don't do anything as a couple. They don't know about the three other women over the years. My older son often tells me I treat dad terribly, why am I always so mad at him. That used to bother me, it does not any more. My husband avoids being the adult at all costs, so I will be. If making my sons do the right thing makes me the bitch in the house then so be it. I see no shame in seeing counselors, going to support groups, being on meds. Those things are tools, not magic, and they are helpful. If any of us had diabetes, we would take the insulin. I wear contacts, kids see tutors. We all need help with something, we are not all experts at everything. That is how we talk about it in our house. If you broke your arm no one would expect you to set it alone, how can we be expected to manage mental health alone?? We don't manage our physical health alone all the time. What happens when you try to approach your sons? Who diagnosed them? Usually when someone is diagnosed with something there is a plan for follow up care, whether that be meds, counseling, support groups, some combo of those things. It seems a shame not to avail yourselves of resources that are out there. Many of the ADD/ADHD partners on this board are not medicated because they think they are fine. My DH is one of those. He is hard to convince that he needs meds. He holds down a demanding job, helps around the house. But...his last three jobs have only lasted three years--fired from each one. He has no friends, does not go out at all. He has no hobbies, does nothing but work and be home. He does things with our sons, but nothing on his own or with any adult friends. He cannot sustain a conversation with me. He doesn't sleep more than 5 hours a night, waking around 4am and going to play video games or watch you tube videos until 6am when the rest of us start getting up. Those things are more subtle and may not be helped with meds anyway.
All of the diagnosis has been
Submitted by Libby on
All of the diagnosis has been done by a pschiatrist. The son with OCD and ADHD is on meds for the OCD. My other son and DH are not medicated. My son's also think I treat my DH terribly. They think I am angry with him all the time. Why can' they see that he is in fact the one who is livid with me? I am hurt, anxious and disappointed with how things are. I guess that may look like anger sometimes but that is not the underlying feelings. He behaves so evil to me. I feel like I am in junior highschool within my own family. Being bullied and my kids are the bystanders doing nothing.
They will understand some day....
Submitted by c ur self on
Dad my be a fine Dad, but, one day they will understand that didn't make him a husband...Yep, kids like a playmate, they like frivolity, and that is a good thing at appropriate times...But being their buddy can never get ahead of parents responsibilities in teaching, loving and disciplining....The only reason why anyone would think your attempts at love and correction makes you a bitch, is because wise parenting is foreign to them...And teenagers will always hate being made mind...:)...Keep up the good work Mom!
A husband or wife, who stays faithful when their spouse pushes them away, (want make love to them) has more going for them than will power!...I don't think I could do that, I could live alone and do it...But, I refuse to watch her walk around her naked, and not be a wife in that area, which is a huge area in marriage!....
c
Are we the same?
Submitted by GoingCrazyADHDx2 on
I feel like you took EVERYTHING out of my mouth. My husband also has ADHD and I have a son with it as well. Everything you said about your husband rings true 100% with mine! The question is, how do you go on? How long have you been together? I've been with my husband since I was 16 and we've been together 12 years. 4 kids, oldest has ADHD too. ImI also knew to this site but I need like minded people going through similar things to get the real help, advice, strategies to cope or my marriage is ending in divorce very soon!
How do I go on??? Some days
Submitted by dvance on
How do I go on??? Some days I don't know! But joking aside...I have been with my DH since I was 21. We got married when I was 25, he was 27. We are 47 and 49 now, 23 years of marriage. The first 4 before our first son was born were fine-we both worked full time, it's just the two of you, you're stupid in love, it's all fine. Our first son was an easy baby, I stayed home with him, even that wasn't terrible. Two years later, our second son was born. He was NOT an easy baby-colicky, heart issue, speech and motor delays, hearing issues, vision issues, five surgeries before he was two. Even still, I was home, everything I had went into the two of them. We were flat broke, but I don't remember fighting. I had lots of mom friends, we were all in the thick of little kids, you know? When the youngest one went to kindergarten, I returned to teaching. At that point I had been home for 7 years. Looking back, staying home that long was a mistake financially. The older one was diagnosed with ADHD but did well on meds and is super smart, so he did fine in grade school. The younger one, not so much. He is an Asperger's guy and school is really not his thing. He will be 17 in July, finishing up his junior year in high school and still needs a LOT of managing by me, way more than would be appropriate for a regular 17 year old. Along the way, DH has been deployed, stationed in another state, moved out for 6 months, been fired four times, had various health issues of varying degrees of seriousness. All of those things have meant he has been either physically not here or emotionally not here or both. Which meant I had to manage things. Add the ADHD and I REALLY had to manage things. I am super organized and very productive, so that worked fine for a while. Over time I got tired of being Julie the Cruise Director for our lives. My teaching career has advanced-I am now the Assistant Principal at my school and I do many leadership-type things for the Archdiocese as well. I feel like my world has gotten bigger, his has stayed the same. I cannot point to one big event that ruined things, but many little things add up. His financial irresponsibility, his inability to keep a job longer than 3 years, his lack of consistency with discipline, the way he frames things to the boys as "your mom wants you to..." rather than telling them this is the way a real man behaves, his lack of friends or hobbies of his own, his lack of taking care of himself--he gets headaches because his glasses prescription is out of date--we have vision insurance, our eye doc is two blocks from our house and they have Saturday hours. How much easier could it be? He has problems with his knees. Again, we have insurance. Go to the doctor. But no-the martyr game is really strong with him. He has virtually no memory or he doesn't care enough to hang on to information I give him. The past six years have been the worst. Three other women that I know of have been involved. It has been pretty painful, but I have let go of pretty much all expectations. That helps. If something needs doing, just do it. You know you will end up doing it anyway. I don't have that many strategies per se, just do what needs to be done. Some days I feel super productive and on top of things, some days I want to pack it all in. I will say-I take a fair amount of time for myself. I go to dinner with a friend in the city (Chicago) every two weeks, I have a subscription to the opera with another friend. I love my job. I guess that would be my biggest piece of advice--take time for yourself. Really--the house will not fall in. How old are your kids? I have things I demand my kids do and I make them follow through. That helps too. DH will not make them do stuff. That's on him. I will and by now they know that. They will look right at him and tell him no when he asks them to do something. They would not tell me no. Lower your standards. Get a lot of sleep. Go out with friends. Decide what things you can let go and what things you just cannot. Tell your kids those things. I have found if I ask only a few things of them and I tell them, look--I don't know why but these three things really bug me so don't do them, that helps. At the moment I am not willing to pick up and leave, so I have to figure out how to not lose my mind staying. I keep my opinions to myself a LOT. I am not his mother, what he does or how he acts in the outside world I cannot help.
I don't know if any of that is helpful. Ask me more questions if you need to and keep reading on here. Lots of us have many many years of coping under are belts and are happy to share!!!
The Truth Will Set You Free
Submitted by phatmama on
Dvance,You nailed it. Excellent analysis of things that are appropriate to share versus those that are not. As for sharing diagnosis within the nuclear family--YES YES YES. If you don't, you are helping to gaslight your kids in thinking that dysfunctional is normal or that talking about mental health issues openly and honestly is shameful and inappropriate. The heck with that. The stigma around MH has been around far too long and needs to go away. I have always told my kids that I have a mood disorder and/or probably ADHD and that DH has Anxiety and ADHD. It helps explain behaviors and situations that would other wise just be entirely too confusing and overwhelming. I think it is far easier to accept that adults behave badly because they have a disorder than they are mean and hateful and don't care enough about the family to do better. Mental illness is when you try harder but still can't hit the mark because SOMETHING IS TRULY WRONG. If you can fix it just by trying, it is a bad habit or a personality attribute and not truly a mental illness. I can't tell you how many times over the years I have hated myself for not being able to control my temper and have tried and tried and tried with no success at all. Then, 20 years ago or thereabouts, I started taking Prozac and WOW--I didn't have to try at all anymore. I was mellow for the first time in my life! When I think of all the years I wasted trying to fix myself, I could weep. I have explained this to my children so they understand the difference between just being a jerk and having a disability that is bigger than your best intentions. Kids get that and facts are comforting. In the absence of facts, uninformed young minds will make up far worse to explain a warped reality and those false paradigms can wreak havoc on them for the rest of their lives. It is the truth that sets us free--all of us.