I had been using this site to express anger and vent believing that I needed a place to rid myself of my frustrations and hurt. A test* was done by psychiatrists who studied if venting is helpful in this way. They found that venting and sharing venting makes the anger increase, not subside. Hmmmmm....so they say Frued was wrong.
"Ranting may be an indulgence that weakens one’s ability to cope effectively with one’s emotions. In summary, doing nothing at all is a more effective way of dealing with anger compared to hitting a pillow, or posting rants on the internet. Perhaps better yet though would be to learn to use one’s anger constructively rather than mindlessly trying to blow it off."
They tested a different way to "write out" anger in this way: Describe your anger feelings clearly, specifying what you are angry about; explain your angry reaction instead of just venting; and state what you wish to be done to help you feel less angry."
Here goes:
Describe your anger feelings clearly: I want to throw things and hear the crash. I want to scream and lash out. Frustration makes me want to sit and have a tantrum like a baby. I am constantly on guard and anxious for the next disappointment...for the chair to be pulled from under me. I am frustrated having learned from experience that a saboteur will throw rocks in the paths of my creative labors and dreams. The life partner/lover turned into the one who is wrecking things, ruining things that I have been working for and creating. These two things don't match - feels like betrayal. So the joys that used to come from happy anticipation are now just recipes for disappointment and more information to tell me to stop trying - stop living. The anger hurts my chest and my upper back because I am holding my muscles taut there like I am carrying a heavy burden that has become so heavy that I am not able to move or enjoy myself. I disgust myself for the compromises I made. I mourn my self and the life I didn't live. I am ashamed of myself to myself for believing that I didn't matter as much as the marriage and family for whom I sacrificed my self.
What are you angry about?: I feel "let down" and betrayed in that I thought that working hard, giving and caring were good ways to be and were all about love. I was taught that sharing and caring are good things. That mode of operation and thinking is not working for me - my world view is not working as I thought it should. The more I give, the less I have. Karma is not supposed to work that way. I feel stupid for believing in love and karma but I don't want to give it up because then, in my mind's eye, the world is an ugly place and we are just greedy vicious animals. I want love in my life. It feels like there is something I am not understanding about how love works and it makes me feel lonely and afraid. When I was young, and had total faith in God, I felt much better. People around me now mock religion and my faith is questioned by me. I don't know what I believe anymore.
Explain my angry reaction instead of just venting: I am confused about the world and my place in it and frustrated in my need for love. I am afraid to be so alone. I feel foolish and am ashamed that I don't know better how to live and be happy and be beloved. I feel ashamed and stupid to have worked for a "pipe dream" for my entire life. I don't want to be a needy person. I don't like myself this way.
What do I wish to be done to help me feel less angry: Pray and meditate better in a joyful way helping me to accept that the world is not always fair or pleasant...that the world does not have to go "my way". Stop expecting love to come from someone who cannot or does not want to love me. Find love in new places.Make it my quest to stop working so hard to find happiness where happiness has not been found in the past. Make my life's work to find peace and joy for my self. I wish I could let go of my old beliefs that make me feel like a failure/bad person/irresponsible/unloving person/bad mother/bad grandmother if I give up on my marriage. I wish I could take a leap of faith that finances would work themselves out if I give up on my marriage. I wish my life would be filled with lots of good people around me who want to connect and grow with me. I wish that I was able to receive love. I wish that my love was recognized and appreciated. I wish there were lots of people around me daily who I admire and trust... people who motivate and inspire my heart and soul. I wish I was able to let go.
This makes sense. I invite you to write in your own responses to these questions.
*Mark Goulston. "Internet Ranting and the Myth of Catharsis" Psychology today.
Thanks for sharing this and
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
Thanks for sharing this and for your deep thoughts.
I hope you are able to find more peace soon and that your wishes become attainable.
Well all do what feels best for us and healthiest for us in a situation like this. My sister didn't think it was healthy or a good idea for me to be posting on this forum after my untreated/un-dx ADHD BF abandoned the relationship. She felt it would just keep me wallowing instead of moving forward. But I knew it was what I needed..to be able to share with others who understood..to be able to learn more and understand more myself, even though my relationship was taken from me and ADHD was no longer something I was directly involved with. I sense that soon I will not come around here very often anymore...but the venting, learning, and sharing, have been helpful in my journey forward on my own.
I agree
Submitted by jennalemon on
The site has been a great gift to me. I might be crazy or depressed now if I didn't know what was going on. It is a place to learn about what ADD/ADHD looks like from both sides. I have been venting so long. I thought venting was necessary for mental health. With the information about venting and/or writing out what I am actually FEELING and what I WANT, maybe I will be more constructive in my writings. I also invite people to use the questions from my original post to help themselves figure out what their core issues are in their anger and frustrations....that was my intention with the original post.
According to our own bent. . . . . .
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
jennalemon,
I fully believe the job of any counselor, psychiatrist, pastor, friend, is to offer suggestions and alternatives. We can try them, and then decide for ourselves what works and what doesn't.
Trying a different way to deal with stress is always a good thing. There is no one answer that fits us all.
Sometimes there is an absolute need for an immediate release. I take many a 'study results' with a grain of salt. I am not discounting everything across the board. As we learn better, so we do better. It takes a great amount of time and energy to get to the point where we can take so much effort to dissect and discern everything.
I discovered this forum about 2 years ago. It has been enlightening to discover I am not alone in my struggles; that marriages affected by unaddressed/undiagnosed ADHD can follow almost the exact same pattern to destruction - if there is not an intervention of some sort.
As with any marriage - affected by ADHD or not - there is just not a perfect answer that works the same way for everyone.
As to the venting - some days I want to just get it out and get over it. Built up pressure is a time bomb waiting to explode.
I clearly see a train wreck at the end of the track my marriage is currently traveling. I worked very hard to make sure I got on a different track. The hardest thing for me to accomplish is to accept/realize/understand that my spouse may not take the other route with me. Clearly it is still a very difficult place to be. . . . . . . . . . .I WANT my marriage to remain intact. I WANT to grow old together. I WANT to be a good example of sticking together through thick and thin. I WANT to be victorious. I DO NOT want to be an example of how to stay together and be miserable.
I do believe in the whole concept of trying different -not harder. Watching my spouse do the same thing over and over, yet harder and harder is very difficult to witness. Makes me cry right along with him - but for totally different reasons.