Trying to figure things out

Finding this site has helped open my eyes to many things.  I feel as if I can understand my husband better and that I am not alone in my feelings of being lost.  My husband is yet to be officially diagnosed though we both know that he suffers with ADHD.  I have known this since we started dating 15 years ago.  I was very good at dealing with it, or ignoring the issues possibly, until our son came along 4 years ago.  Since having to divide my time between him and our son, my frustration has grown by leaps and bounds.  In the last 2 years we have both hurt each other by turning to other people for emotional reasons (no physical infidelity occurred).  Since then he has became hyper focused on me.  He loves me with all his being and I know this but have become so aggravated with the guilt trips if I decide to go somewhere with my mother or have the desire to actually go to bed alone early.  For the first 10 yrs of our marriage we worked so much that our social life was us and us alone.  I look back now and realize that I gave up my friendships and now am giving up even more (including time with my mother and alone time) to keep him from pouting and making me feel bad for wanting to go somewhere he was not.  I love my husband and think that we can work through things eventually but right now I am emotionally exhausted.  Last summer he talked about marriage counseling but has since taken the option off of the table.  He will tell me that he is very happy but the need for "a talk" every few months tells me that he certainly is not.  I have been weighing the option of a temporary separation while we seek counseling but any time this topic is discussed even generically, he emphatically states that if we were to separate then it's over.  This is not what I want at least not without us trying counseling.  But I do feel that I need time alone to work on myself and to get a better perspective on our marriage.  I don't know how to do this without destroying him.  The anger, frustration and resentment I feel towards him is beginning to outweigh the love I feel and all of that coupled with the guilt I have for even considering a separation is making me a wreck.    

I am in the same boat as you.

I am in the same boat as you. Only i have only been with mine husband for three years now. He will tell me to go out with my friends but then when I arrive home at midnight he is not speaking to me the next day or angry with me for not texting him or coming home before he went to bed??? But I was not given the instructions to text or to come home early. I was only told to go out with my friends so I did. I have just started to ignore him when he goes on about anything. I just ask him to stop controlling me and let me live a life also. I also had to explain to him that we do not and should not be together all the time.... its not healthy.. and if I spend to much time with him I find his ADHD makes me crazy. It's best to get away for a day or a evening. He too also suggested counseling but that's only cause I packed up and moved out on him last summer. He begged me back crying. So I told him he had to agree to do counseling. However, now ... typical of ADHDer's .. he doesn't have a problem its me. I get this alot. We don't have children together so it's is probably easier for me to just go out. If he comes home in a temper about something or worried about something that happened at work ..... which generally means I don't exist and that will be all he can focus on......I leave the house go for a coffee or a walk. I have told him straight out that there are times when I need to just get away too. Take a break with your exhausted emotions. Sounds like he loves you and if you just be kind and loving about it he may not feel so angry about it. I always tell my husband.. " i love you lots honey but right now I just do not want to be here and I want to give you time to yourself too".. when I return I make sure to ask if he feels better and I tell him again that i love him. Hope this helps?