Trying to keep my marriage

I am a husbant with ADHS and it is driving a wedge between my family and me.  I have just recently found out that I have this.  Now I am taking meds. for this.  However, my wife seems like it is not helping and the communication is just not there for her eather.  She needs to talk at night and I am normaly tired at the end of the day.  She wants me to sit there and look at her for the whole time.  I can not do this with out getting sleepy eyes as she calls it.  I really do not want this to happen and i try hard but when i start to walk and keep myself awake she gets mad.  I don't know what to do.  Need help and fast marriage is failing fast and I have many onther things to fix but this one would be the best benafit for both of use to fix now.  looking for some guidance on this for i have many other faults but going to do this one at a time and I hope that me now use this site and other people that are going throught this also will not only help me but them also.  

Marriage failing fast

I am guessing that your wife is pushing you to talk because she is feeling the same type of pressure about the marriage that you are feeling, and this is her way of trying to improve things.  However, it would help greatly if she had a better understanding of ADD.  She is setting your conversations up to be very difficult for you, thus decreasing the chances that they will be successful.

Lots of people with ADD do better in conversations if they are walking around.  This is not only because it keeps them awake (as you say) but also because the activity of walking helps them focus their minds better, as well as calm their minds.  Sitting still and looking into someone's eyes is also very hard to do for someone with ADD.

Your wife may want you to look into her eyes because she feels she'll know you are focused on her that way.  Another way to show her you are focused, though, might be for you to try to clarify what she is saying in a healthy back-and-forth, or for you to take notes about things that are very important.  If you ask questions, she will also feel you are involved, and so may feel more comfortable with moving around or looking around.

You might want to try getting a coach or therapist to help you in your discussions.  Someone who is familiar with ADD will be able to reassure your wife that your walking around is helping, not hurting, your conversations.  In addition, using a coach or therapist might be a way of moving the conversations from night time to some other time of day when you are more lively.

If your wife hasn't read much about ADD, suggest she read Delivered from Distraction by Ned Hallowell.  This may help her be a bit more empathetic to your "style".

marriage failing fast

I'm in that boat- due all to add reasons, no of course not.  But these are the things that seem to get emphaxized.  bottom line- I have severe add, my husband on the compulsive side, we have had this same "arguement" in regards to taling at nite.  As a person with add and needs to talk things thru to any extent for resolution- need to remeber to shut up at nite, that is his safety zone.  Sleep analystst will say to leave the bed for sleep to promote better sleep habits- the problems is that he is such a doer that he leaves no time to talk over issues.  Maybe saying something like I know we need to talk about this, right now I will not be able to give it the attention it desrves- what about tomorrow/or somethime that week at breakfast or something.  She knows you care and you mark the date on your calendar and prepareyour self to chat.  (You may want your wife - or friend or alarm etc to remind you of this the nite before\wake up that morning.  whatever your situation dictates

I had the same problem with

I had the same problem with my boyfriend. I would need to talk to him and I would do it at night. He was stressed by it and annoyed because he couldn't deal with me when he was ready to sleep. I was frustrated and hurt because there was something wrong with the relationship and this seemed to be the only time I could get him to stay in one place and talk to me. She needs quality time - you and her talking time. Make it a point to focus her completely for a given amount of time everyday. Being affectionate and understanding of her viewpoint should help. Explain that you simply cannot focus that time of night, but you really want to connect with her again. Arrange for a mutually agreeable time and stick with it - give her all the attention and affection she requires. As long as she gets quality time with you and gets your attention, she probably will be fine at night. Make it a point to kiss her goodnight, say I love you, or something nice like that before you go to bed. It should help her feel better and help her go to sleep. I know that I could stay up late ruminating and depressing myself. A general piece of advice for you (I don't know if it applies, but some people need to hear it): If your partner is upset, the point is to find out what is wrong and fix it. Don't debate over if s/he should be upset or not, or try to prove that you're right. It's not a argument to win. Nobody wins unless you two work it out so that everyone feels okay in the end.

I have the same problem - it

I have the same problem - it just happened again last night. I got home from my second job, and we got into yet another argument that lasted until after midnight. Perhaps there's a marriage therapist in your area who can help. I've tried to find help, but we can't afford a babysitter while we go to sessions, and I can't find a counselor who will come to our house. In the meantime, we just argue back and forth about the same old things. Best of luck to you!