Trying to live with his ADHD + his addiction... HELP.


Approximately 4 months ago (July 9 2010 to be exact) I fell in love with my current partner, he is amazing, extremely intelligent, funny, extremely loving, affectionate and creative, always making cute love letters and sending me thoughtful texts when I'm at work. I thought I had hit the jackpot! I jumped into the whole thing head first, i just knew he was everything i ever wanted in a boyfriend, so as he had a bad rental history he moved into my apartment with me : ) I knew before he moved in with me that he had a problem with using methamphetamine (ice), and made money dealing illegal drugs, he assured me he wanted to stop and was committed to giving up both dealing drugs and using ice to find work as a massage therapist, at this point he had not made me aware of his ADHD, and I had never even heard of it. When he moved in he continued to use methamphetamine and when I asked why he wasn't making an effort to quit he explained he had ADHD, and was using ice to self medicate while he waited for his psychiatrist to prescribe dexamphetamine which he told me is used to help his disorder (previously he had been using dexamphetamine in QLD, where he had been given a script for them, but after moving to NSW was having real difficulty in obtaining again) After he reassured me it was needed for this purpose and not to induce a "high" he further  explained that without the meth or dex his head was in constant chaos and caused him physical pain. Not wanting him to be suffering constantly I agreed I was ok with him to use meth till the dex had been prescribed.

When I asked about his plans to do the massage therapy he said he couldn't afford financially to keep using the ice on that kind of a wage, I agreed as he barely makes much money dealing and does not want to get caught so deals as little as possible.

During the short time of us living together I have noticed things that have REALLY annoyed me such as;

Always being late, and making me late in the process. making a mess and not cleaning it up. being disorganized and not getting things done on time. not paying bills on time, even when I constantly remind him. Missing appointments. Knowing me and him have to both be somewhere at a certain time, recent example we were both invited to a birthday party which started at 6pm, we were both running around together trying to get things done when he said he needed to buy an outfit for the party, and off he went to do it, around 5pm i sent him a text reminding him that the party started in one hour and best hurry home, and sent another text at 5.30pm, when he did arrive home he sat down and started looking around the house, i told him hurry as  you have 20mins to be ready, and he snaped back saying not to rush him or he will become stressed, people with ADHD he said were always late. we were late(as always) to the party. I assumed all these annoying things were due to the use of ice, so i was prepared to let them slide until he received medication.

one mouth ago he received his dexamphetamine tablets but hasn't chosen to take and continued to use ice. I sat down with him and told him ice has to stop, and i don't want drugs in my house. He agreed so I asked him to set a date to quit and to quit. He set the date, so I assumed he would be saving to support himself for when he would no longer need or receive income from selling drugs to support his habbit, or at least be looking for a way to get his massage therapy dream put into action, its not like i haven't made an effort to ask him how is he going to afford to rent the room he needs to do the massage, and what the plan is to advertise, and what if he doesn't get clients for the first couple of weeks, (as he refuses to work for someone else, as I suggested so he could get some clients first) But every time i try to talk to him about it he interprets it as me having no faith he can do it. But to be honest the way he wants to do it is unrealistic and has massive potential for me having to support him financially. I dont believe he is in the position to be so picky with choosing a job.

About 3 days ago I jumped online to discover what ADHD really is like and have since learnt that the things he does he cant help, but yet he dosnt even really care himself about doing things to help. I seem to be already doing everything i can to help, today even I asked what can i do to help this? and he wants me to sit down with him and write out a list and a plan, um..... i really think if he believes lists are going to help then HE needs to find a pen and write one, all i think i should have to do is to remind him to do the things he has written down. To me it seems he is quite happy to be late, he never rushes to do anything to meet dead lines, or as I have suggested buy a daily planer and write things in it so they don't slip his mind. He seems to have an excuse for EVERYTHING! And more often than not its me being blamed for his reasons why the ice hasn't been dealt with sooner, why he is disorganized, I just want to know if it is me? but its not like i even understood how ADHD effected him untill just 3 days ago. And in all honesty I really need some space from him (which i have mentioned to him) , hes always at home unless he runs out for 20mins to do a drug deal and has ONE friend that comes over to my house when they catch up with each other. I'm only given space when im sleeping or at work, which is only 3 nights a week and im hardly alone, its work. I really need help or I am going to have to break up with him.

I'm 22, and he is 34, he has been bankrupt, has no license (lost it due to speeding, which i have read is common for people with ADHD), no savings, no commitments and the hobbies he says he enjoys doing i never see him doing or all involve me in some way , he spends money when he knows he has bills (also read is common ADHD behavior) then has to borrow money from me. Always asks me what im doing and how long i will be. I now understand all these things are just because of his ADHD. Yesterday i told him i wished he had told me what it ment to live with ADHD and he said he wasn't even aware that all these things were part of ADHD. he then said all the annoying things he does will disappear once he starts the medication, and i know that's not true because i also read that the medication just helps with the concentration part of ADHD, he still needs to take an active effort to see a therapist to change his behavior or time management therapist. I dont understand why only just now he realizes, its not like he was diagnosed yesterday he found out 4 years ago, wouldn't the doctor tell him the medication wouldn't fix EVERYTHING and that he would have to do things to help? I feel really stuck. And I really really need help!  i really am in love with him and don't want us to have to end the relationship.