Trying to save our marriage, my husband undiagnosed ADHD


I'm new to this so I hope I'm doing this right.


I've been with my husband since 2003, we have a 2 year old son and expecting our second child any day now. I'm 36 my husband is 41. I'm feeling such hopelessness and stress at the moment I decided to try sharing in this forum , well not sure why i just have to do something as I don't have any support about this "in real life" so I tried writing down how I feel and what my (our) situation is.  

Just recently my husbands oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication (not sure what) and when he started reading info the psychiatrist had sent him he realized that this is what he has as well. I started reading about this and most of what I've read so far very clearly describes my husbands behavior.

It has been so very difficult and hurtful over the years and it is effecting my 2 year old as he sees me upset when my husband gets in his defensive and quite nasty mood and just wont stop even when I ask him to please don't act that way towards me around our son. It has always been a confusing situation since he really can "turn it on and off" so most people wouldn't have a clue how he behaves when at home after work. It is not always bad but unfortunately the bad really takes over and leaves me feeling emotionally exhausted and unable to take in any of the good any more. I could cope with the "hyper" behavior but the emotional abuse, weather he can help it or not, is taking all my strength to deal with, strength that I now need for my children. I probably should not have stayed this long, and maybe not had a kid (and be pregnant now again) but here I am, willing to make this work still, we both love our son a lot, he loves his dad and It's killing me to think of him not seeing his dad every day, it would break his little heart. Since my husband realized he probably has ADHD he's slipping back into the usual denial and defensive "egg" where he spends most his time. The moments I survive on are when he says he's sorry and then I allow myself to hope (again) because that's all I can do. He usually takes this back and blames me when that moment is gone though. During moments like these he has admitted to this regarding his behavior:

Playing little mind games all the time to confuse and or annoy me, make a gesture that he then denies doing for ex..

Put me down and blame me for something he's done to break me down rather then have me accuse him of what he's done.

Constantly interrupting me because he feels all I'm saying is just nagging. (I usually just try to finish ONE sentence even asking him to just let me finish that sentence then I'm done, but he just can't let me do that) I usually don't try to talk to him much anymore because of this.

He un dos things I've done just to create a situation, to annoy. Example: I put a hat on our son and we're heading out the door then he takes this hat of and puts a different one on for no reason and tells me to relax myself and not be so annoyed over everything when I ask him why he can't just leave the hat on.

He says he'll help clear the table later just cause he knows I'd rather do it then still having dinner on the table in the morning for me to clean up then. (I do 99.9 % of all work around the house)

There's so much more going on but even though these are things he has admitted to doing everything is taken back and blamed on me each time he gets defensive. He has called me ugly names even with my son on his arm, it was then I realized I really need to get away from him unless he really gets some help that stops this abuse.

I'm afraid now that he wont try at all to get diagnosed and just keep making excuses until I just have to pack up and leave and doing so break my sons heart and not let my unborn baby have a dad around. I feel like such a mess but I'm trying to do the right thing for our family.

Not sure what I want to come out of this post I just need to share this somewhere as I can't really do it irl. Is there a chance that things such as his anger issues would be helped with treatment if he hopefully gets there?

Is there any other spouses out there that can relate/share anything?

Any help/advise/sharing at all would be helpful