Trying to save our marriage, my husband undiagnosed ADHD

To CC

Submitted by Steph on Sun, 03/01/2009 - 06:42

I just had to respond to you. I am very concerned for you and your children. You must insist that your husband see a dr or psychiatrist. This will only help your family. My husband is newly diagnosed with ADHD. I know the abuse you write about all too well I am embarrassed to admit. No meds have helped the abusive side in him yet but we just switched to a new psychiatrist who I hope will help. The ADD meds he has taken have not helped in the lack of focus area all that much and the doc is currently in the "seeking" stage to find out what else is going on too.

In the meantime, do you have a strong support system? You should be worrying about yourself, your child and having things be ready for the new one to join you all. (not worrying about HIM...although that always seems to be the case around here too) Please, take care of yourself right now. God bless and keep us informed.

Best wishes!

Thank you for sharing Steph

Submitted by CC on Thu, 03/05/2009 - 04:20

Thanks a lot for sharing that with me, it really just helps so much to see that other spouses can relate to all this, I really felt I was alone in the world until finding and reading some posts like yours! It has been such a relief just to feel it's not just me (going crazy) but the mind games/blame games and agression is not just our own "secret" problem. I am lacking support in this as my family has taken a step back because of his behaviour that has also happend when they are around, we also live in a different country with no family living near so that makes it harder as well and the feeling of isolation in all this has been quite overwhelming. I have just recieved 2 books I'd ordered, one is Driven to distraction that I'm hoping he'll want to read another is focused on relationship problems which I've started reading myself. As he eyed the books last night he was positive to me getting them and we talked a bit as he read a few words and was a bit amazed about how he could realate to a list of "symptoms" and that made me hopeful that he now would keep an open mind about learning more (together with me) and work together with me to find ways to cope with all this in our marriage. I know I can't expect a "quick fix" but any change towards the better really helps.

Thank you for your kind reply and my very best to you as well

CC we are here for

Submitted by Steph on Thu, 03/05/2009 - 07:40

CC we are here for you. You are not alone. Have you tried counseling on your own to express some of what you are feeling? Its been a life saver for me. I stongly recommend you do so especially without any support system in place. (I don't have anyone either so my counselor is a tremendous help) That is GREAT that your husband is open to reading and learning about ADHD. Mine is mad that I read and learn about it. He blows up with any conversation about it. I just keep reading though and don't tell him about it. I know that its just his denial, insecurities and feelings of being broken that he is not ready to deal with yet. I understand that but need to learn for my own sake.

Keep writing and take care of yourself. Keep us informed!

All my best~ Steph

re: trying to save your marriage

Submitted by optomistic on Sun, 03/01/2009 - 15:55

I hear your tears, and I'am sorry this is happening to you. You are in a difficult situation please don't be afraid for him. Please don't listen to the blame game from him.You need to take care of yourself, your son and that precious little one you are carrying. Being pregnant and stressed out is not good. (I had the experience). If he is making your life so miserable and being abusive please don't stay because you have a child and don't want to see your son without a daddy. Yes that is a hard thing but think of it if you continue in this state of existence what it will do to your children? to you? I finally seperated from my husband (Who has Adhd/Depression and is a alcoholic)after 12 yrs and thought like you how hard it would be on our kids. Really I wish I would have seperated a long time ago.I have 4 children My oldest 17yrs is struggling from emotional damage down to my youngest 7yrs old who has Adhd/Odd. Its harder when the children are older. When they are younger they are more resiliant. I'am not telling you to leave but if he won't stop and get help then please don't let him bring you down with the kids. I speak from experience even if he does get help there are no guarantees that things still won't be rough but getting help is vital for the both of you. Either way its not easy my children are sad at times even though their lives are so much more peaceful. They like the way it is now rather than before.Their lives were much more stressed when he was around. Please take care of yourself stress is a silent killer. Also read about boundaries on this site. learning about boundaries helped me alot on dealing with my husband.There is a lot of useful information on this site so read up on what you can.There are no easy answers , I hope he will get help , your in my prayers.............God bless you!

Thank you

Submitted by CC on Thu, 03/05/2009 - 04:49

Thank you for sharing your story, I really need to be reminded of the effect this (if it continues the same way) will have on my children. Just as I will focus on the marriage and for me and him learning more about adhd and learning how to cope within our relationship, my main focus will be on my son and baby (coming very soon) and making sure they don't get hurt. Nothing would make me happier than for our family to stay together but at the same time my main responsability is taking care of my children. I don't have the answers but I do feel hopeful at the moment as we have been able to talk about his adhd a bit without him going back into his shell. Time will tell, I will focus on a new baby and trying to pay as much attention as I can to my toddler for him not to feel left out. I'm hoping we can stay on the right track through all this, time will tell.

Thanks for caring, it means so much.

My very best to you and your children.

Baby on the Way

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Tue, 03/03/2009 - 18:09

There is a lot going on here, and I hope that you will find solace in the fact that others at this site are reaching out to you and that you are not alone.

The time around childbirth is an emotional one, and finding out about ADD can be very emotional, and experiencing the things that you are going through with the games your husband seems intent on playing are also emotional. Let me suggest that it will not be a good time to deal with the ADD stuff head on right now - too much going on in your life. Rather, you should focus on you and the impending birth. Make it as joyous a time as you can, get through the post-partum stuff, and get your feet back on the ground. Then you can deal with the larger issues of ADD.

Your husband does need to get an evaluation and start thinking about how to manage his ADD symptoms. This is often a very threatening time for a man with ADD - he wants to deny that anything might be "wrong" with him and he relates getting a diagnosis to being broken. This isn't rational, for even without the diagnosis he still has the characteristics of ADD in any event. The diagnosis is the beginning of the path out of the problems you've been having, is all. He can choose to do with the knowledge what he wants - take meds, don't take meds, see a therapist, don't see a therapist...but at least he'll know. Also, research suggests that 80% of adults with ADD also have other issues that they would benefit dealing with - often anxiety or depression. So he'll learn more than just what might be up with ADD.

Don't hinge whether you stay with him on whether or not he gets diagnosed, however. What matters is that you work through the areas of friction, no matter what their name. In this case it's spurts of anger, a need for proving he's in control (the baby hat incident), and a sense that he's being picked on (which may be correct, I can't tell from your post). Also, from your description it sounds as if he's spending a lot of time blaming others rather than taking responsiblity for himself.

Towards that end, if you want him to take responsibility for himself, then you need to make sure you aren't impinging unknowingly taking it away from him. See my post about boundaries in the favorite posts area.

Also, you mention that you are "afraid that he won't try at all to get diagnosed and just keep making excuses until I just have to pack up and leave". I urge you to let go of these fears for a couple of reasons. First, by attaching his willingness to get a diagnosis to whether or not you stay in the marriage, you raise the stakes for him significantly. My observation is that most of the time this backfires for folks with ADD. The fear of failure runs strong in people with ADD because they've spent so much of their lives listening to people tell them they are a failure. By raising the stakes you lower the chance that he'll want to try and risk failing.

Second, you deceive yourself when you suggest that there are no other alternatives than diagnosis or leaving. There are certainly other alternatives (for example, he could educate himself about ADD and choose to alleviate symptoms without diagnosis). People in the grip of fear tend to make poor decisions, and you don't want to put yourself there needlessly.

Third, without realizing it perhaps, you are moving into confrontational mode. Rather than think "what can we do that would be the right thing for our family?" you are thinking "what can I do that would be the right thing in the face of all of his wrong things"? While this is an understandable reaction, you need to resist it. You take away his ability to affect things in any way other than trying to please you (which is a non-starter as motivation for most men) and you lessen the likelihood that you yourself will be approaching problems from a partnership perspective. (I hope that makes sense...don't take it as criticism - I did exactly the same thing for a while).

Finally, don't assume that you know his motivations. You say he undoes things just to annoy you, but maybe he undoes them because he thinks it's a funny joke or because a different hat caught his distracted eye. He tells you to relax after you respond negatively because it's not a big deal to him - and really, is what hat the child wears really a big deal? Worth getting divorced over? (This is becoming an argument about control - and you're participating in it, too.) People with ADD think differently than those without it and often their motivations are misinterpreted as a result. I intend to write a blog post on this soon, so stay tuned.

I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't end up walking out on him if you've exhausted all reasonable avenues to success. But I am suggesting that it's early yet - you've both just found out about the ADD, this is a particularly emotional time for any woman, and you probably need to step back and take a breath. See if you can devise some relaxation techniques to calm your mind and your soul - perhaps deep breathing exercises (the baby will probably like this, too!) and taking a few minutes every day to think about the things in your life (and about your husband) for which you can be grateful. Hopefully these will help you get through this tough time.

Thank you, seeing the positive is what I try to focus on now

Submitted by CC on Wed, 03/04/2009 - 04:47

Won't give up

Thanks for replying, it really helps to get some feedback I've been feeling quite lonely in all of this since it's not really something I can share with most people. What has helped me move on so far is that when my husband does have a moment where he says he's sorry he seems to really mean it, and the few times he's said that it's not me it's him being defensive and therefor mean to cover up and protect himself from possible attack, does help to hear at the time, although it really hurts when it happends again and again with no "memory" of ever having been sorry about the very same behaviour before.

I used to find it easier to "let go" of each incident in the past but since this has been happening around my son and he doesn't stop even when I beg him (not attacking him in any way or arguing) to please stop for the sake of my son he just keeps going putting me down saying things like "just look at you how you act" and it will continue until I break down and he will also follow me around the house doing this which means I get no time or room to calm down at all but have to deal with my son in this state doing my best not to upset him too much. If my husband would learn to leave the house, go into a different room just leave me to calm down (and him) this would spare my son a lot as I could tend to him without him seeing me so upset.

All this, he says himself, is unaccaptable behaviour when we manage to have one of those rare "talks" where I explain to him that although all I want is for our family to stay together and for things to get better, I cannot let my son be effected like this (or the baby coming any day now) and he says he understands that. This gives me some hope that he might be able to accept some "help" in the (hopefully near) future.

It is the "total denial" and blaming me again between the "talks" that takes me (us) 2 steps back every time and all I can do at the moment is just try put it behind me and just live on the moments when he's not so defensive and try not to "trigger" anything. I can see that he's trying at times to not get too aggrevated about every little thing so I will try to focus on the little efforts since at least he is trying. I know I need to get some councelling myself to talk about all this since trying to talk to him just triggers him to get defensive and mean. I'm hoping we can get councelling together as well but that will have to wait.

My husband manages well at work and has a good carrier, it seems to take all his strength to keep up the focus at work and when he arrives home he usually is extremly tired and get annoyed easily, I usually take a step back when he gets home to give him room to breath and to avoid any arguing. I don't mind doing everything around the house, I like being a home maker/ stay at home mom and enjoy keeping our house clean, it can however get hurtful when 9 months pregnant and the unwillingness to help and rather play computer game most of the weekend can be frustrating. I did however "drop" the expectation of having him help around the house a long time ago, realizing it just wouldn't happend and if and when it did it would not even be half done. This I can now understand better while learning about ADHD and let go of some recentment which is a relief. I'm hoping as we both will learn some more I can let go of some more hurt and stress and cope better.

I really want this to work and I do believe him when he says he does too. We both love our son and our unborn baby and I believe his intentions are basically good and I know I can trust him to be a faithful husband which is very important to me just like I know he knows he can trust me the same way.

Thanks for reminding me of seeing the positive, it's sometimes easy to forget.

Regards

RU sure he has ADHD?

Submitted by mn1225 on Wed, 03/04/2009 - 13:03

In your first post, you said that your husband seems to turn it on and off. This doesn't sound like ADHD. Check out the symptoms of ADHD at the Center for Disease Control (http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/symptom.htm). My wife and 7 year old son have been diagnosed with ADHD and neither of them can turn it on or off. The symptoms are always present and even the best medications can't rid them of those symptoms. The medications simply allow them to focus a little better so that they aren't so 'scattered'. It almost sounds like he has some male dominance issues. I know, I've done that to my wife (ashamedly so). If he is creating problems just to start up a conflict, it could be ADHD but it could be that he is trying to exhert controls to continually establish dominance.

Whatever you do, don't give up on your marriage unless it's the absolute last resort. So many divorces occur because a couple is unwilling to let out what they feel. When my wife and I were dating, she always thought that we were going to "break up" just because we had an argument. Don't be afraid of them. Use them and learn from them. Take the the upper hand and use a calm intelligent approach when your husband starts up a conflict. Ask him why he wants to keep the argument going. Remind him, gently, that he has often admitted that he starts them. My wife (yes, the one with the ADHD) has often had to say this to me just to get me to snap out of it or at lease redirect me. Keep reminding him why you chose to marry him in the first place. Let him know that you are there to help him as a partner, not an outsider.

Seek counceling from trusted friends (not just people you associate with), doctors and spiritual leaders. Don't tell your husband that he needs it. He'll only reject the idea. Tell him that you feel it's necessary for your own health but you would really appreciate his company. That will help get his foot in the door. It may be that he'll try to participate. If it turns out that he really does have ADHD, then treat it like you would any other afliction. Tell him that the medication is not an indication of who he his or that he has something fundamentally wrong with him. Tell him that the medication is simply a way to treat a symptom and that you will be there to help him get through the rest of the issues together.

It may be difficult but always take the high road. That way, when there is another argument (and there will be in any marriage), you can discuss what's going on with a clean conscience that you did everything you could to make the situation better rather than worse. Also, if the worst case scenario happens and you still find it necessary to leave him, you will also be able to tell your children that you kept your head up high.

My prayers will be with you.

I know what you mean. My

Submitted by kenya on Fri, 02/12/2010 - 20:49

I know what you mean. My husband is amazing however he too has a short fuse. We have one young child and my pregnancy with him was so stressful. We had just gotten married and were going through many changes all at once, which are hard for anyone, but hard for ADD. I want to have more kids, however have found that since we have been married there has been a lot to work on. For awhile things will be wonderful then if I share my opinion or we disagree, it blows up into a huge argument where we don't talk for days even a week straight at times. I'm always to blame for everything. I have lost some trust. I know my husband is trying too and wants the best for our family, as I do, but I feel like I am putting in a ton of work to only get hurt over and over. Its always the same issues and the emotional abuse is so bad. We tried counseling for him to walk out after awhile even after us doing separate appts. and then tell me it was a waste of money and we can work on this alone. I do not think so.. we need help from an outside source. He has checked on this site once and really liked it but to later in an argument tell me I blame everything on ADD. I think this site is good for both perspectives. i wish you well and your kiddos. Take care of you that is who is the most important! Its nice to share experiences with people and hear about people going through similar experiences. Stay strong, you are a very strong person and I hope the positive outlook helps to make your marriage easier. i know how you feel and I am married to a great man.. we just need support and love no matter what mood our husbands are in.. just as I'm sure they need that from us. wish you well. thanks for sharing your story

medicine

Submitted by optomistic on Thu, 03/05/2009 - 13:57

Melissa you bring out some really good advice. You have a calm way of putting it and I appreciate that especially since at times people can be so stressed in the situation they are in. My husbands sees things so different then I. He definately sees situations more black and white. He would tell me I'am such a good mom and then nitpick on little things that just annoyed me. He would undermine me while I was telling the children something and when I thought he was disciplining too harsh I would say his name just to let him know that hes too harsh and then he would go off on me. I always felt that he was picking on me and he never felt like he did anything right so he would give up. Many times I would not approve things because I do have good judgement not the high IQ scores like he does. When he was young the pysh. said that he is very smart but lacks good judgement and it has been a fraying thing in our marriage. He has done some devistating things that put us on the edge. Like losing $4000.00 in the stock market because he wanted me to believe he could do it but lacked the judgement. He has very low self esteem and since he has done all of these terrible things as I wrote previously he has secluded himself from everyone. He does see the kids which I encourage but he can't drink when he has them or I'll stop the visitations. Last week one day he picked the kids up and he was very grumpy the next day he was so nice to me. He told me he took his meds that day and it helped. BUT he won't stay on the med's. He told me he missed me and I said I don't know what to say except I can never go back to what was. So I'am very happy and am finding myself again. He did tell me that the concerta makes him feel funny and it feels like he is taking coke. There are so many more meds why oh why won't people help themselves. I don't have adhd but I was thrown out of a vehicle 22 yrs ago and since then I have chronic muscle problems. I have been through you name it for theraphy (rehabilitation physical, injections) I excersise etc..) I never took meds on a regular base but I had to about a year ago because I was getting so bad I could barely get out of bed some days. Do I like it that I have to take a couple of different meds NO! does it help YES! So I had to choose what quality of life I wanted. Sometimes we just have to do things even when we don't want to. I thank you for listening. I hope this helps someone or encourages. God Bless!!!

wow i submitted a comment

Submitted by jim (not verified) on Sat, 05/23/2009 - 01:50

wow i submitted a comment before i read all the responses- by far this is the best one- very nicely articulated- you should be a therapist

Anger, Frusteration

Submitted by ginettec on Wed, 03/11/2009 - 01:47

CC,

I have been exactly in your same shoes. It doesn't feel good and it's very lonely. Now years later, and not much changing - bad decisions, hurtful remarks to myself and kids....I know your pain. What can you do? You can begin by making it about you instead of him. I know this may sound a little confusing, because women aren't used to doing this, but you need to think of yourself and your children first. Nothing is more important or will ever be more important than this. This is hard to conceive, I know. But I've been there - pregnant and caring for two other children and having to survive through it alone. What a difficult realization. I felt trapped. There is a way out and that is focusing on you. Do what makes you happy, even if its just for a short time every day. Get involved with people who are there to support you. Take a class. Do anything that frees you to be more than what you are now. You are worth more and deserve more. As you become more focused on yourself and your children and less on him - two things will happen....it will either force him to change or not. Either way you will become stronger and he probably won't like that - but that's okay. You just keep doing what makes you happy. Seek a counselor for yourself if he is not interested in going. You can't make him go and you can't make him take medication or stay on it for that matter. Try to resist him putting you in the "mother" role. You are not his mother. The more I did for my husband the more he expected. I too was doing everything...still doing it most things too but I do not do what I used to for him. I've pulled back a lot so that he can feel the sting of consequences. I try to insulate myself and my children as much as I can in the process. I am at the point now that I will either stay and accept things as they are or move on. I still do not know when that will be, but until then I keep working on myself and maximizing who I am. I know how difficult this sounds. When my father told me years ago to do this, I couldn't grasp it - what does that mean, how do you get there etc.... You get there one step at a time. Next week I will be half way to completing coursework towards a Master's degree in education. He has fought me tooth and nail about it. He's even indicated that he's waiting for me to fail. But, I won't. I've done the work and am doing the work and you can too. God has plans for each of us. We may not know what they are at this moment, but they will become apparent as you work with him in his plan for you. You will make it, you're strong and God is by your side.

You say it so wonderfully!

Submitted by kenya on Fri, 02/12/2010 - 21:04

You say it so wonderfully! I'm trying to do what I can for myself. I'm a stay at home mom and my husband works a lot. Finding time for myself isn't always easy. I go out with my mom and grandma to get some time with family and have a lot of fun. I'm trying to create my own tshirt/baby designs. However, I can catch a lot of guilt from my husband about my family seeing our son more than his. Well I'm spending time with my mom as well and don't see that the same. I try every week, which seems like a lot even at that for his mom to spend time with our son. i am pursuing this business for myself and enjoy the art aspect of it. he totally supports it but when we argue tears it down and tells me its a waste of time. We agreed I'd stay home and care for our son, but again in an argument I feel like he resents that I don't work, I feel I've lost respect from him to make decisions about our finances. this has never been an issue but is at this moment. he is making me feel very alone. When we are good, he is an amazing support and seems to say exactly what I feel or what I need and acknowledges how mean he can be. I just need advice on how to handle him in his fits of rage. I've always been a calm person, never fought with anyone, have a teaching degree, and cannot no matter what communicate effectively with my husband when we argue. I've never had this problem and never had anyone make me feel so low and hurt me so much. Makeup is wonderful, like I said he addresses his actions that were hurtful to me and promises to not do that again. I have become to not handle my anger at times, when I try so hard to but when i speak my opinion he attacks me but says I am attacking him. WE have hit a brick wall. Staying home I try to clean and take care of the home and our child, and then in the evenings give myself time alone for me. He has offered and helped with dinner and some cleaning to show that he cares and wants to be there for me, although in this argument now.. tells me he is the one working, he does everything around the house and puts me down. Before when we were dating he had the messiest place, completely disorganized and i have always been the clean, organized, person offering to help him with anything and with his business. So if you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them. you see my pattern, he is totally there for me then throws everything in my face. I tell him he is not supportive, (and I don't mean financially) however he takes it that I don't think he can financially support us, which is totally not the case or what I mean. I constantly compliment him for taking care of our family, but he is not supportive by being there for me one minute, having my back, then later making me feel terrible for feelings or help i may need. Anyways we have move forward some and have also moved back some.. I just need some advice to dealing with my husband and taking care of myself without him making me feel guilty. You said you do not do what you used to for him... what sort of things, maybe this may help. I loved reading what you wrote it was very empowering! thank you

Anger, Frustration by ginettec

Submitted by newfdogswife on Sun, 09/26/2010 - 13:07

CC,

There is alot of truth in ginettec's post. I, too was the same way until I realized that the world did not have to revolve around my husband, thanks to Melissa's advice, and I stopped letting him manipulate me into thinking that way. I began doing and thinking for myself again and it has been life changing. I live for myself and my child which has placed us in a much happier state. If my husband joins in, fine, if not, that's fine too. It does take work to make this change but it is well worth it and I know you can do it. God will help!

I just had to respond to your

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 04/16/2009 - 15:19

I just had to respond to your email. I know exactly what you are going through. For a moment I thought I was reading my life. I too am in the same situation. I also have two children. The oldest is not my husbands. And I feel at times he takes his anger out on my oldest son. ( Now my husband has never been physically abusive) But, It still takes a huge toll on you; emationally and mentally, to the point, for me at least becomes physical do to the fact that my nerves are shot. I makes me feel better to know that I am not alone. The worst part about it for me is that his parents believes that he has worked through his childhood ADHD. Which is definately NOT the case. He very much so had adult ADHD. And because they feel this way I feel like I can not go to them for advise or help. For they are in just as much denial as he is. So just like you, I ask myself daily....What's more important, Keeping my family together at the sake of my mental well-being OR Tearing my family apart for some kind of sanity.

Sounds like there is

Submitted by jim (not verified) on Sat, 05/23/2009 - 01:35

Sounds like there is definitely some issues.Communication sounds like a big one. He may need to learn to be nice even if hes right(or atleast thinks hes right) - something i constantly have to battle - Im sorry, I dont think your situation is entirely his fault- The hat part of your story is a perfect example of sweating the small stuff. So what if he switched hats- There might be a logical reason. Its possible he killed a bug with the hat earlier and didnt want to tell u or maybe he just thought it looked gay. Either way, why let it bother you. I mean my god, I wish had your problems... Are your bills paid? is there food in the frig?Is he hitting you or your child? are you? You married him for some damn reason im sure if u work at it you can work on 1 thing at a time.... not chewing your ass in front of the kid probably should be the 1st one.... if either of u got a beef it should be discussed in private. But you gotta listen to his concerns too and give as well as take. Sounds like u need marriage counseling and bring up your adhd concern and let them make recomendations... He may just be hypoglycemic or moody as hell. When you tell him hes adhd he probably remembers some trivial thing u got upset about (like that hat deal) and blows u off. Before you contemplate divorce you better seriously think about some things 1st...how much money do u make. Do you have good family support on your side to watch the kids if u need them too- What if u dont get the kids- or just get one?....whether u have a job or not you will have to pay child support....just like your marriages - divorces never go as planned...

Trying to Save Our Marriage

Submitted by Lynn55 on Wed, 09/15/2010 - 10:09

You're young and so are your children. Get out of this relationship and take care of yourself and your kids as soon as you can. I have been married for over 25 years. Five years ago, my husband was diagnosed with ADHD. I was thrilled! Finally there was a valid medical REASON for the way he acts. Instead of embracing the diagnosis, he ran from it, ignored it and turned his inability to control his anxiety against me. This past January, he moved out and never looked back. His uncontrolled urges have taken him from a married man to an adulterer with no regard to the feelings or reputation of his wife, children or mistress. This is the way we have lived for the past 25 years and it destroyed our marriage. You and your children deserve to be happy. Encourage his recovery but put yourself first. My prayers are with you.

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